Sat 29 Nov 2008
Every year it’s a traditional Thanksgiving news story: the official Presidential pardon of one lucky turkey.
It’s a photo-op that newspapers and broadcast stations feast upon; a little sorbet to clear the ravenous appetite of the 24-hour news cycle. But this little news-nothing is NOT what it seems!!!!!!!!!!!(wait, let me add a few more exclamation points for emphasis) !!!!!!! (I’ll boldface and italicize them, too) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get a load of this everyone: turkeys are our real leaders, and have been calling the shots in these United States for a long, long time.
It was no accident that Ben Franklin proposed the humble turkey as our national bird… he was ruled by an old tom turkey named Samuel.
When the eagle was named the national symbol instead, Samuel the turkey had Franklin banished to France as punishment. But the turkey uprising had taken firm root, and the clever beasts would not be deterred in their insatiable lust for power. Let eagles have the glory of being a patriotic ‘symbol’; turkeys would seize the real power– ruling our country!
For years, turkeys tried unsuccessfully to get a foothold in the corridors of political power. Six turkeys worked together beneath a large overcoat and tried to pass themselves off as Martin Van Buren at his inauguration, but the plot failed when they could not produce a hand to place on the Bible for the swearing-in ceremony. Years later, scandal arose when it was revealed Millard Fillmore’s Secretary of State was in fact a smooth-gobbling turkey wearing an ascot. The turkey was quickly removed from office and replaced with a human. But before long, a real power move was finally made inside the White House.
An ambitious turkey named Daniel persuaded Abraham Lincoln’s son, Tad, to make a plea to the old man to spare his life before Thanksgiving. Tad made his case and his dad agreed. Daniel the turkey was spared. Daniel saw his opening, and the political pull of turkeys have gotten stronger ever since.
Over the next decades, turkey insiders began working Washington hard. Clever turkeys formed K-Street lobbying firms and began greasing the inside track of American politics. Turkeys were bipartisan, funneling cash, sexual favors, and giblets to whatever political party was in power. By the time Harry S. Truman was in office, the turkey cabal was in full evil control of Washington, DC. Ever since, every president has made the pardoning of a turkey an annual event.
The turkey receiving the presidential pardon is typically the Grand Gobbler, top dog, fatcat, head cheese. Said turkey will occupy the Oval Office and tell the President exactly what to do. A quick look at some legislation that has been quietly passed over the years proves the power of this ingenious poultry breed.
Did you know turkeys are not subject to ANY income taxes whatsoever? A turkey making $450 million a year pays $0 in taxes, a regular wealthy American could pay upwards of $6,200!
Turkeys are legally permitted to carry nuclear weapons and may smoke openly in public places.
Like some sort of brazen foreign diplomat, turkeys may park their cars wherever they like– even in handicap spots or way past the painted dividing line.
Turkeys cannot be tried for manslaughter, gambling, libel, arson, kidnapping, piracy, child abuse, fraud, aggressive panhandling, perjury, drunk driving, squatting, speeding, graffiti, sabotage, bank robbery, spitting in public places, jaywalking, embezzlement (note to self: NEVER EVER hire a turkey to handle any finances, no matter how impressive the resume), trespassing, petty larceny or sexual harassment. In fact, by law you cannot issue a restraining order against a turkey.
In short, turkeys are virtually immune from our judicial system. Talk about powerful lobbyists!
The true disgrace is that turkeys openly flaunt their immense power and iron-fisted control of the country by staging the farcical annual ‘pardoning’ by the President. It all seems so cute and innocent, but at its core is evilness and unholy not goodness.
So why do these leader turkeys permit the senseless slaughter of millions of their compatriots every Thanksgiving? Well, they like the taste of turkey gravy. They also think that since millions of their own die, no one will suspect that the leader turkeys are really calling the shots. Typically after the Presidential photo-op, the “pardoned turkey”, the prez and key cabinet officials convene in the Oval Office where the Top Tom gives the human leaders their marching orders.
Recently, a few brave turkeys were promised witness relocation and protection by the FBI if they came forward and gave sworn testament to the inner workings of the insidious turkey cabal. The turkeys were told they’d have their stories told on TV to Sarah Palin. Alas, when the cameras began to roll, the turkeys were silenced in the background as Ms. Palin held court on other subjects she deemed more important.
Now that you know the true story of turkey power in America, those Thanksgiving leftovers have never tasted better.