Wed 31 Dec 2008
In a stunning development, the year 2008, Rod Blagojevich, Father Time and Bernard Madoff have all been arrested and charged with trying to alter the state of the universe and the natural order of things.
In early December, the year 2008 became depressed that it would soon be coming to an end. Sources close to 2008 report that associates of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich contacted 2008 and offered it a way to extend its life beyond December 31.
Allegedly, 2008 was told that if it paid $20 billion, Blagojevich would get the aged year “an immortality seat” so that it would not have to die on December 31st and give way to 2009. Blagojevich was caught on FBI recordings assuring 2008, “You wanna live forever, like those f****** dancers in that f****** film, ‘Fame’? Then pay me the m***** f****** money, now! F***, I love to say f***!”
While 2008 gathered the required capital for the bribe, Blagojevich reached out to Father Time. In recorded conversations, Blagojevich offered Father Time “a cool f****** billion” if he’d just forget 2009 for another year and let 2008 keep on going. Father Time stroked his beard slowly and said that was asking a lot. Blagojevich upped the ante to “$3 f****** billion.” Father Time stroked his beard while combing Blagojevich’s hair, and the deal was done.
2008 did as instructed and paid the $20 billion in unmarked $5 and $100 bills to Blagojevich. “Don’t worry,” Blagojevich reassured the wrinkly year, “we’re gonna get you a f****** re-do! F*** 2009! 2008 is getting another f****** at bat!”
Blagojevich took his $20 billion and doled out $3 billion to Father Time. Blago asked Father Time what he was going to do with his fortune (not relaying how much money he had made on the scheme). “Oh,” said Father Time, “I’m going to invest it and let time make my money lots more money.”
“F******-A,” said Blagojevich, “that sound f****** great. Deal me in.” Both men met separately with uber-investor Bernard Madoff and placed all their bribe money into his hedge fund with assurances they couldn’t lose a dime.
“I know what I’m doing,” said Madoff. “Your money’s safe, sound and will grow like gangbusters. You just can’t lose– I’m the magic man, I am, I am!” Madoff said as he danced about wheelbarrows filled with cash and fluffed bills into the air.
Then the hammer came down, hard. On December 12, Madoff was arrested after admitting he was running a Ponzi scheme and had been bilking investors out of billions for years.
When Father Time learned of the scam, he thought he had been set up by Blagojevich and Madoff, so he lifted his suspension of time. The year 2008 looked in the mirror and began seeing a lot more wrinkles, a receding hairline and he felt achy all over.
Blagojevich became agitated after he heard the news of Madoff’s arrest. “F****** f*** f*** f***!” he said to an associate in FBI recordings, “I hate gettin’ f****** played like a f****** chump!”
It appears 2009 will arrive at 12:00 EST tonight as scheduled.