Inside my body are two state of the art titanium hips. Medical science claims I could get 15, 20, maybe even 25 years of wear out of each hip (your actual mileage may vary).

Whatever performance I get from my fake hips, I can’t do anything post-surgery without the aid of some amazing gizmos. Yes, I’ve got technology galore inside my body, but just get a load of some of the advanced technologies I have to help me cope with everyday life.

While this contraption doesn’t look like much, it is an invaluable tool to someone who cannot bend over for fear of dislocating his new hip. Note the hook on one end– a brilliant design to hoist one’s loungewear up over foot, leg and on to waist landing area. Ummm, elastic hold me tightly– who needs a belt with you to comfort me?

Note the other end with a clever tamping device. Use it to take pants off, or reach and lift something up with the opposite side.

A stick has never been so useful, so essential, so absolutely crucial!

Imagine for just a moment you cannot bend over, yet you enjoy wearing socks– especially on your feet. You might think this an impossible task: putting socks on naked feet without bending over, but it CAN be done, Buster Brown!

With a clever design and advanced engineering that borders on magic, the incredible Sock Put-Er-Onner (my name) is perhaps the greatest invention of all time (it makes sliced bread look like a crappy invention– try getting a sock on with a slice of bread, it can’t be done!).

The Sock Put-Er-Onner is a hard plastic half-tube. You place your sock over it, put your foot in the sock and tube, grab both ends of the rope–with comfy soft spongy handles– pull upwards, and SHAZAM, you’re socked and stylin’ faster than you can say, “Hey, is the house on fire? Where’s all that smoke coming from, and what’s with those flames?!”

Eat your heart-out MacGyver, you’ve never done anything this inventive.

When you’re recouping after major surgery, you quickly come to an ugly truth: no matter what you want, it’s not close by.

No worries, not with the technological wonder I call The Picker-Upper. It lets your hand play like it’s operating one of those claw machines as you grab the trigger, approach the wanted object, squeeze it firmly but gently, grab and hoist the object back your way.

It’s invaluable for grabbing the TV remote, the phone, a bowling ball– whatever it is you want that you cannot bend over to get. I am so skilled with this device I’ve actually picked up a corn flake and a Cheerio and brought them back unharmed. You’ll want to test your skills, your dexterity as The Picker Upper makes grabbing things an exciting new sport.

These incredibly amazing devices are what make painful surgery worth it. Go ahead, schedule your procedure and get to work on your recouping games. It’s all we’ve got until we get better.