Archive for January, 2010

Yes, I know traditional advertising is supposed to be dead.

Yes, I know 76% of people say they don’t trust or believe advertising (but I don’t believe them– no one wants to admit his/her opinion can be swayed by anything).

Yes, I know the consumer is king/queen/ruler of their media universe.

But for God’s sake, will advertisers please cut it out with the gonzo guerrilla tactics, lame product placements, ham-fisted promo/entertainment integration and convoluted tie-ins?!

Using gospel music to sell Disney movies, praise be!

I recently went to a Gospel Brunch at The House of Blues in Houston. The singers began pimping the new Disney movie “The Princess & The Frog” with free tickets and movie paraphenalia. It was like the gospel music was interrupting a big Disney commercial.

Give me some of that old time traditional advertising–– I’m sick of the loopy promotional tie-ins everywhere. Especially sports.

It’s just a matter of time until we’ll be watching a football game and hear commentators saying things like, “Anderson fumbles the ball and it’s another costly turnover. You know, Pepperidge Farm Turnovers never let you down with their delicious fruit fillings and flaky pastry crusts. Ummm, that’s some good eating on a hungry morning! Pepperidge Farm Turnovers, umm yum!”

“And there’s the two minute warning. You know, in less than two minutes you can easily compare affordable Progressive Insurance rates with four competitors. Sweet sassafras, could it get any easier to save yourself some money on insurance?!”

“It’s the Ford Focus third down. Third and three yards…”

“There’s the snap–and Snapper mowers keep any lawn looking beautiful– the hand-off to Wilson, who gains four yards. If you want to keep your yard crabgrass-free, Ortho Weed-B-Gone does the job quickly and easily. Kill that crabgrass dead!”

Look, just because you can put a promotional message somewhere doesn’t mean you should put a promotional message there.

Brothers and sisters, can I get an “Amen” on this. (The previous “Amen” was brought to you by Disney’s The Princess & The Frog, showing at a theatre near you.)

Millions of Americans are upset because their New Year’s resolutions have failed already, not even one full week into 2010.

“I swore I was going to drop 140 pounds,” said 295 pound Paul Obsurlk of Destin, Florida, “but I stepped on the scale today and I’ve gained three pounds. It’s just not right and I blame Obama!”

Proof that his government failed him.

Kim Wrallings of Beechgrove, Tennessee vowed to quit smoking on New Year’s eve, but she lit-up shortly after waking on New Year’s day. “It was like I was totally helpless,” she said lighting a cigarette off the burning ember of the one she had been smoking. “All Obama talked about when he was running was ‘hope’ and I was hoping to quit. I feel betrayed, and when I feel betrayed I smoke even more,” the angry woman said flicking her lighted butt into this reporter’s face.

In Nampa, Idaho, Will Benttonfir blames the federal government for his failure to become a marathon runner. “I swore I’d run a marathon in 2010, but when I went out on January 1 and ran to the end of the block, I threw my cookies into a neighbor’s mailbox. I’m not up for 26 miles of that kind of pain and misery. Frankly I expected more from Washington. A lot more.”

Paul Flaxmoor of Manlius, New York also blames politicians for his woes. “I was going to be a big lottery winner and get out of the hellhole of a job I’ve got. But I haven’t won diddly-squat and I’m and really disappointed in our elected officials.”

When asked how much money Flaxmoor had spent on lottery tickets, the 61-year old salesman became livid. “Tickets? What do you mean ‘tickets?’ Don’t go talking to me about technicalities!” With that, the angry man slugged this reporter in the gut.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the 23-year old Nigerian terrorist who tried blowing up a Detroit-bound airliner on Christmas day, has received a fruit basket from a newfound fan: Tiger Woods.

A sweet little something for terror dude from his new fan.

Woods is appreciative to the terrorist wannabe for grabbing headlines and diverting attention away from Tiger’s numerous sexcapade scandals that have dominated the 24-hour news cycle since Thanksgiving.

“Tiger is a generous man,” said a spokesperson who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retribution and broken limbs. “He needed someone to take the heat off him and this pants-on-fire dude fit the bill perfectly. Tiger’s hoping he gets all the spotlights and ink he can stand.”

In addition to the lovely fruit basket (complete with pears, apples, oranges and other fancy fruits– plus little Dove chocolates), Tiger included an autographed 8″ x 10″ glossy along with some very candid shots of a few of his lady friends.

“Tiger is a extremely generous man,” the silent spokesperson said. “Please don’t tell him I said anything. Please!”