Archive for February, 2010

Why have you brought yourself to this? Standing on the corner, waving a sign to get attention; prostituting freedom to sell income tax services.

The Lady takes to the streets. The shame of it all...

You join the huddled masses of other mascots: the wiener in a bun, dancing taco dude, the purple gorilla, twirling condo sale sign guy and all the many mascots pimping their wares.

May this economy recover quickly so that Lady Liberty can get off the street corners and back to being a beacon of freedom, carrying the torch of everlasting dignity and respectfulness. Amen.

To avoid confusion, the President and V. P. had name plates, but no name tags. Fame is sweet!

Today’s health care summit held at Blair House, across the street from The White House, was a resounding success as democratic and republican lawmakers came together to spitball some ideas of how to deal with rising health care costs.

The spirited conversation included republican leaders challenging the criticism that they had “no ideas” for reducing the cost of healthcare. “I think we should pass legislation outlawing bad health. Let’s nip this whole problem in the bud,” demanded a republican senator. “If people didn’t get sick, they wouldn’t need health care. Problem solved!” The senator dropped to the floor and spun like a top on his back.

Another republican senator expressed outrage of being branded enemies of progress. “The dems keep saying we are the party of ‘no.’ Are we the party of no? N-O, no! We are not the party of no. Never have been. No, no, no, no!”

A democratic congressman began an impassioned speech in favor of the House healthcare bill. He lifted the 1,990- page document to punctuate his point, screamed in agony “I’ve ripped a groin muscle!” and toppled over hitting his head on a table. Politicians from both parties huddled around their wounded compatriot. “Thank goodness we have a terrific healthcare system,” one lawmaker was heard to say. “Someone should call an ambulance. A solid gold one.”

Another lawmaker shouted, “Hey, you guys want to grab a steak and lobster dinner, maybe get some Johnnie Walker Blue– I’ve got a passel of lobbyists waiting outside with platinum AmEx cards at the ready!”

With that, the room emptied as the injured politician bled. A coyote howled in the distance.

Uncle Sam wants financial reform for himself, but not his citizens. That's different!

The U.S. government is angry as hornets who’ve been pestered by telemarketers during their favorite TV show, thanks to China getting as greedy as a U.S. credit card company.

When U.S. bill payers opened their monthly credit statement from China, they discovered that the Chinese had moved up their payment date and substantially raised their interest rate, just like U.S. banks have been doing to credit card holders for a long time.

“I can’t believe China would do this,” said Jason Burbbinger, head checkbook handler of the United States government. “China loaned us a bunch of money and we thought we had a good rate locked-up with an easy, convenient payment schedule. But now they’re getting all credit card company on our butts– arbitrarily moving up payment dates, jacking-up interest rates to nose bleed heights and acting like a violent bookie on a meth bender beating the vig out of a deadbeat. On top of everything else, they’re raising our credit limit. How are we supposed to resist that kind of temptation? I’m not saying we need financial reform for Americans– bank lobbyists would never allow that– but we certainly need financial reform for how other countries treat America. It just ain’t right, I tells ya, just ain’t right at all!”

With that Mr. Bubbinger began sobbing uncontrollably into a handkerchief, a handkerchief made in China.

Recently I saw two films from masters: Martin Scorsese’s Shutter Island and Joel and Ethan Coen’s A Serious Man. While I can’t gush over either film as being in the canon of their best work, both movies are essential viewing for fans.

Shutter Island is very good. A solid ‘B’ that unfortunately feels like a ‘C’ because it comes from master Marty. In fact, if I didn’t know it was Scorsese, I wouldn’t have guessed it. The plot is interesting and the acting’s superb–Leo D. delivers, yet again, as does Ben Kingsley. But the visuals are uneven. Scorsese is a man of unique vision and typically his films have a look that is distinctive. In this case, there are some scenes that look too soundstagey. These visuals can take you out of the story, which is too bad. Although this is not one of his better films, it’s still worth spending some time in the dark with it. Just munch popcorn and go along for the spooky, mysterious ride.

A professor searches for answers to life's problems. Oy vey.

I confess a huge crush on the writing and filmmaking of brothers Coen. It doesn’t matter what they do, I will see it. While I didn’t get to see A Serious Man in the theatre (it wasn’t around long or on many screens), I did get the DVD delivered by Netflix with the help of postal workers. I liked the film a lot.

The buzz is that this film is very autobiographical: a Jewish family in the midwest, a son preparing for his bar mitzvah and a cast of quirky characters inhabiting groovy 1967 times. To bastardize DDB’s famous Levy’s Bread campaign, you don’t have to be Jewish to love this film, you just have to like plots that are not laid out to easily connect the dots for you. And to me, that was the purpose of the film– what’s it all mean? Like faith, whatever you want it to mean.

The characters are interesting, the action compelling and the mixture of drama to humor enjoyable. To make it easy for lusting eyeballs, the gorgeous cinematography of Roger Deakins never disappoints. For your ears, there’s a very compelling soundtrack by Carter Burwell mixed in with those kooky 60’s rock and roll tunes. And the acting, it’s all first rate with great performances by Michael Stuhlbarg as the physics professor looking for answers to life’s eternal questions, Fred Melamed, Aaron Wolff, Adam Arkin, Richard Kind and many more bringing home a quirky tale that’s well told, such as it’s told.

Tiger bares his soul to all.

In a Lint Screen exclusive, we have obtained the transcript for the news conference being held by Tiger Woods later today, three months after his admission of infidelity.

“Hello, and thank you for coming here today, and what a beautiful day it is. I remember when I was a kid, I loved a warm, sunny day. I’d lie out in the yard and look up the sky and watch the clouds go by. Some clouds had interesting shapes. I’ll never forget, I once saw a cloud shaped like a walrus. It had tusks and everything. ‘Tusks’ is a funny word, isn’t it? Anyway, if the clouds didn’t have interesting shapes, I’d like to imagine the clouds were strands of cotton candy. We have any cotton candy fans out there?! I’m with you. I love cotton candy, especially the blue kind. You know, I’ve been think about this for three months now and I’ve got to say, blue might just be my favorite color. Seriously. I mean, sure, I love green, but there’s something just a bit more calming about blue. You know, the sky, the water, my Porsche– all beautiful and all blue. There, I said it. Blue is my favorite color, followed by green then maybe red, but, you know, the more I’ve think about it, I’ve got to say red is a very distant third. In fact, scratch red. I don’t think you should hold me to three colors. I’m just going blue, number one… green, number two. But blue’s the clear winner. No doubt. But if I didn’t have blue as a choice, I’d take green in a heartbeat. Green’s cool, but I just prefer blue, that’s all I’m saying. Anyway, thanks for coming and please, no questions. No questions, thank you very much.”

Curling losses can put your heart and wallet on ice.

Yeah, right, so tonight I lost ten boxes of ziti betting on team USA in curling against the Swiss in the Winter Olympics, and I’m still steaming.

I mean, come on, we had the game in the bag and blew it!

I was in a sports bar with some fans watching on TV and here’s what I heard:
“Nice rock. Does your wife curl?”
“I haven’t seen a stone toss so lame since Brian Jones got das boot by Mick Jagger.”
“You call that sweeping? Gimme a break, I’ve seen better sweeps in the pet food aisle at WalMart!”
“Broom like you mean it! Own the house, own the house!”
“Dudes, this game’s just like shuffleboard, and none of you are drinking! How you expect to play to win if you’re not drinking? Pop a cold one, for crying out loud!”
“Sweeper’s got a rubber arm, sweeper’s got a rubber arm…”
“Hey, man, they’re Swiss. Kick their neutral ass!

So it went. A disgruntled and disappointed crowd, and a crying me– a man who took it in the heart and the bank account. Curling is cruel, so very cruel.