Archive for April, 2010

After 40 years, two landmarks will be dismantled. A county mourns as petty neighbors celebrate.

Travelers on I-85 north of Atlanta (by the Jimmy Carter Boulevard exit), have been treated to the Great Gwinnett Twin Towers for over three decades. These glorious water towers serve as a beacon to the universe with their simple declarative statements: “GWINNETT IS GREAT” and “SUCCESS LIVES HERE.” Well, water tower fans, scuttlebutt has it that soon the towers are coming down. As a proud resident (a Gwinnetian) I am saddened at the thought.

Driving is boring. Most billboards are ugly and suck. Mother Nature can get repetitive on a long drive (she’s prettty stingy with her Grand Canyons, Niagra Falls, Badlands or Big Surs). Thus, roadside attractions like water towers with pithy thought-proving messages are greatly appreciated. Think about this philosophical question–– is Gwinnett great because Success lives here, or does Success live here because Gwinnett is great? Those are two distinct perspectives are worthy of serious brain wrestling. Yet, soon these majestic towers will soon be gone.

Many in neighboring counties think our towers are boastful. These envious people are happy to see these cherished monuments become memories, but I beg to differ. Gwinnett is great, but that doesn’t diminish our county cousins. I mean, look–– Fulton is fine, DeKalb is decent, Cobb is common, Barrow is bewildering, Hall is helpful, Walton is wistful, Forsyth is funky and Cherokee is cheery.

Now, imagine for a moment you are Success— where would you live?

Gwinnett. Where water towers always speak truth, Gwinnetians are masters of the universe and Success can be seen mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters or washing the car on Saturdays.

Fair thee well, wise water towers. I shall spout waterworks for you long after you’ve gone.

Run the red light at your own peril, lead-foot.... this monkey means business!

Some cities are placing cameras on light poles and snapping pictures of cars running red lights to issue citations by mail. Then some cities are playing for keeps.

Austin, Texas is employing trained monkeys to ‘man’ light poles for keeping law-breaking drivers in line. If a motorist runs a red light, the monkey leaps onto the car and scrambles its way inside the vehicle to gouge the driver’s eyes out and spray the interior with urine.

“Some people think this watch-monkey program is a bit extreme,” said Officer Terry Inklurd, “but if people just obey the traffic signals, there won’t be any issues. You’ll be able to keep your vision and not have your car smell like monkey pee–– which has an awful stench. Not even those pine tree air fresheners can mask monkey musk.”

NBC is rumored to be developing a new series called “Law & Order: Traffic Monkey Division.”

It’s looking like strike eight in the love department for Larry King. Rumors have surfaced that the 76-year old gab show host and his 50-year old bride, singer Shawn Southwick, are soon to be divorcing, making it Larry’s eighth failed marriage to seven women. Why is the couple breaking up? Allegedly, Larry was getting all Tiger Woodsy with his sister-in-law, Shannon Engemann, while wifey-poo may have been rounding the bases with their son’s little league coach. Yow!

Old dog learns new tricks, wife to wave bye-bye in car-car.

In a Lint Screen exclusive, we reveal the searing confrontation that took place in the King household on April 15th when Larry sat waiting at the kitchen table as wife Shawn entered the house from the garage.

LK: Shawn, welcome, it’s great to see you. Come have a seat, let’s talk.
SS: Larry, is my sister here?
LK: No, no she isn’t. Why do you ask, babycakes?
SS: I smell that whorish French perfume she always wears. You’re not wearing it, are you?
LK: Of course not, sugarlips. Let’s talk about your day, snoogums. If you could describe your day in one word, would it be ‘magnificent’ or ‘wondrously fabulous.’
SS: Larry, why’s there lipstick on your forehead and neck?
LK: Remarkable your powers of perception, love-dove. I swear, you could be a C.S.I. agent with your observational skills. Let me just say here and now, that you are, without a doubt, the most incredibly beautiful woman on planet Earth. In fact, you make all other women look like garbage. They’re festering, stinking trash, compared to you. They are not worthy to be in the same gender with one as beautifully captivating as you, buttercup, and…
SS: Larry, what’s that on your arm?
LK: My arm?
SS: Yes– look, that!
LK: I shouldn’t be showing so much flesh. Between the sexy suspenders and my alluring flesh, I could be accused of babe-baiting. Let me roll down this shirt cuff. The shirt’s a Geoffrey Beene wrinkle free pinpoint, which is 60% cotton for comfort and 40% Polyester for easy care. There’s no better value for quality…
SS: Oh no you don’t– you’re not coving that up. Roll the sleeve up so I can see…
LK: What is it about the words ‘shirt sleeves’ that’s so fun to say? Have two words ever been made more for each other: shirt, sleeve— it’s like a poem. I love them!
SS: Give me your arm– aha! Just as I suspected, it’s a tattoo.
LK: Is it just me or is everyone getting ink these days?
SS: You have a tattoo that says “I heart sleeping with Shannon.” Larry, are you having an affair with my sister?
LK: For my money, there is no jealousy quite like sibling rivalry. It drives siblings crazy…
SS: You are, aren’t you?! You’re sleeping with Shannon! You smell like her, you’re wearing her lipstick and you have a tattoo with her name.
LK: In my opinion, the concept of ‘innocent until proven guilty’ is the backbone of our democracy and it’s what makes America great, and the country I’m proud to call home.
SS: Unbelievable. Larry, how could you?
LK: Well, look at the time. I’m afraid this day is done and I’d like to thank you for spending some time with me. I hope you’ll join me again tomorrow when my guest will be…

Everyone's sharing the good word of The Lint Screen. It's the fun thing to do!

Yesterday, The Lint Screen received its 100,000th hit.

In 22 months, over 100,000 people (or roaming spam-spewing computers) have come by and collected Lint. Four months ago, I started using ClustrMaps (on the home page) to track the countries of origin for hits. To date, 134 different countries have found their way here. Hello, Ethiopia, Isle of Man, Mauritius, Singapore, Poland, Chile, Australia, Pakistan and 126 others– glad to have you!

100,000 hits pretty much ensures that The Lint Screen is possibly the planet’s most popular website with the words “Lint”, “Screen” and “The” in its title.

It couldn’t have happened without you, dear reader. Thanks for your grazing eyeballs.

Here are a few observations after 195 posts.

1. Satire is an alien concept to many. Much of what I’ve written is satire. It’s sarcastic, ironic, silly smartass stuff that lampoons many of the follies of people in our modern times. But, I’m sad to say, many people have no satirical sense of humor. Too many take everything at face value. It’s a reflection of our times, I’m afraid, when The National Enquirer (which was up for a Pulitzer Prize) and The Daily Show With Jon Stewart do a better job of reporting the news than alleged news outlets do. Unfortunately, traditional media is so riddled with biased points of view and spoon-fed talking points, the masses are lulled into complacency and a diet of information that furnishes the mental attic of their comfortable preconceived beliefs. They take the perspective that if it’s in the media it must be true. No, sometimes there is intentional satire, not reality. Many times I strive for a skewed view that may bring focus to the ridiculousness of a situation. Things are not just black or white, not just politically left or right. Sometimes exposing the extremes shows we need to keep our eyes and minds open. Keep collecting Lint, we’ll work it out and maybe have some laughs along the way.

2. It’s more fun when others play. Writing is a lonely profession. There’s you, the voice in your head and your fingers trying to keep up with its dictation. When you publish something, you’re pitching words into the void. Feedback is always appreciated at The Lint Screen. It doesn’t matter if it’s praise or criticism (although praise tends to go over better in the writer’s room), commentary makes the blogging process a dialogue, and dialogue is always good. Come, talk, share, play, enjoy.

3. Arianna Huffington hates me. I have been banned from commenting on The Huffington Post. Why? Because I often pimp some Lint piece that’s relevant to the story HuffPost is publishing. Some sites don’t allow this, some do. The Huffington Post used to allow me to pimp, but now Arianna and her goon squad are giving me the high-hat. Ironically, I learned this technique for pimping my blog from reading The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging. Arianna, make nice and let’s build some fences between Lint and Huff.

4. Don’t make fun of Susan Boyle and expect to get away with it. One of the most controversial specks of Lint was one I did when the Susan Boyle story first caught fire. I thought it was funny, many did not. Read the comments for a great time.

5. Wisdom works, too. Sometimes I’ll write something that isn’t entertainment or about monkeys or blacksmithing squirrels. It is something flecked with pearls of wisdom about things like job hunting, freelancing, the great Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in The World campaign, the legend of The Swedish Bikini Team for Old Milwaukee or my 19-part series on hip replacements (read them sequentially to enjoy a ride through surgery and recovery– my pain equals your reading pleasure). These things get good commentary and pass around. That warms me like my hand in a bucket of warm water at night.

6. Random is hard. From its inception, The Lint Screen was designed to be random in subject matter. This is a recipe for failure in the blogging world. Experts say that one should position oneself as an expert on a subject and use your blog as the bully pulpit to pontificate and build your empire. It sounded boring to me. So, Lint is intentionally random. The hope was people might like the voice and come back to hear it from time to time. It seems to be working– you’re here and maybe you’ll tell some friends and family about it. Sharing Lint is greatly appreciated. It’s the only way The Lint Screen will spread to all nations.

Thanks for reading and please dive deeper into the archives for interesting Lints you may have missed. Oh, and if you’re a CMO with an ad budget of $100 million (more, or less), please call on Ames Scullin O’Haire. We’ll be happy to help.

The angry protestors across America are being counted in their vocal protest of the U.S. Census that is underway nationwide.

Count 'em-- two barrels!

“I don’t see no reason no government needs to know nothing about me and my family,” said a visibly agitated E. Granger Bycross of Alamo, Georgia. “Taint none of their business how many kittens I got in my litter. They come to my house to cipher, I’ll let ’em count two– double barrels of buckshot!”

Count on Chester Wheelie to not be counted by U.S. Census.

Chester Wheelie of Keene, New Hampshire, is also one angry American. “We answer that census, next thing you know the federal government will be sending radio waves to infect our brains making us gover-zombies, begging to pay more taxes, have more socialist entitlement programs and requesting Fluoride in our drinking water. I ain’t falling for it! You can tell the government to keep their greedy hands off my Social Security and Medicare checks, what’s mine is mine. End of discussion.”

Helen Wilmunk of Ainsworth, South Dakota refuses to complete her census form because she thinks many of the questions are too difficult to answer.

“They want to know how many people we got living here. Well, there’s me and Darrel, and the kids, Stinky, Bubba and Weasel– but we also got six dogs and three cats who are like kin to us, and sometimes those dogs sleep outside. Now how we supposed to answer that trick question? It’s like those math books in school asking about two trains leaving Chicago going different speeds and we’re supposed to figure out when the dadgum trains will arrive in St. Louis. Well, I wouldn’t answer those trick questions either because don’t no one take trains these days. They’d just fly or drive!”

Stinky, Bubba & Weasel are tough to categorize.

And Jerry Fuddmork of Bald Knob, Arkansas is refusing to answer his census on the basis of what is done with the information. “The government says they need to know all this personal information so they can plan for schools, libraries, roads and other social services. Well, I don’t cotton to such socialistic notions. I don’t want my tax money going to build some road for illegal aliens to drive on. And schools and libraries are just a complete waste of money, what with so much you can learn on the television. Why, if I wanted to be a doctor, all I got to do is watch ‘House’— that lanky guy with the limp is cagey as can be. Ain’t no school going to teach you how to be like House– he’s the rascal you want to learn from, not some stupid school!”

Do Tiger's new texts prove he's Hubby of The Year? Could be. The guy's a gem!

Tiger Woods has been combatting a flurry of bad press concerning the explicit text messages he allegedly sent porn star Joslyn James over a nine week period last year during their alleged torrid sexual affair. In a surprising development, just before the Masters Golf Tournament, someone in Tiger’s inner circle of confidants has leaked a new set of texts allegedly sent by Mr. Woods to an unnamed person that may prove the world’s greatest golfer is a lovesick husband devoted to his wife– not some perv creepazoid. The anonymous source said Tiger would be greatly upset if these texts were made public, but, the associate feels the truth is more important than Tiger’s fragile feelings.

Here are the newly released texts.

Tiger:Sent: 1:06 PM 8/4/2009:
Been thinking a lot about breakfast cereals. Think I like Frosted Flakes best– could be the whole Tiger feeling bro-love for Tony The Tiger LOL Froot Loops is a close second.

Tiger:Sent: 1:07 PM 8/4/2009:
Changed my mind. Froot Loops is da bomb. Frosted Flakes make my teeth hurt. Too sweet!

Tiger:Sent: 1:08 PM 8/4/2009:
Who am I kidding? I mix Frosted Flakes WITH Froot Loops. I call it “Tiger’s Tony The Tiger Froot Loopty-Doo Mash-Up!”

Tiger:Sent: 2:03 PM 8/4/2009:
I love my wife so much;-) I would never ever cheat on her. EVER!

Tiger:Sent: 8:16 PM 8/5/2009:
Cantalope or honeydew for morning melon? Cantalope for me. But not if it’s too ripe. If it’s mushy, it’s in the garbage. Tiger don’t play that. End of discussion.

Tiger:Sent: 10:06 AM 8/10/2009:
I sure do love my wife a whole bunch. Gonna send her flowers, candy, box of diamonds and a luxury SUV with premium sound system. Maybe even a crate of Omaha Steaks!

Tiger:Sent: 7:06 AM 8/14/2009:
Was thinking about that guy Marconi who invented the radio, and how close his name was to ‘macaroni’, but he didn’t invent THAT cuz everyone knows it was done by Yankee Doodle Dandy sticking a feather in his hat and everything. Hey, I love my wife!

Tiger:Sent: 5:43 PM 8/16/2009:
Before I putt, I like to think about how much my wife means to me:-} Man, I love that woman! Makes me wanna write poetry…

Tiger:Sent: 9:11 PM 8/20/2009:
Fidelity is important in sound systems and marriage. I’m as true fidelity to my wife as possible, and that ‘sounds’ like the key to a long, successful, divorce-free marriage{:-)

Tiger:Sent: 2:41 AM 8/23/2009:
Having trouble sleeping. Miss my wife. Sting was right– the bed’s too big without her. I love my cupcake so much it hurts when I’m not with her:-)(

Tiger:Sent: 10:36 PM 8/28/2009:
Played golf today and found three balls– almost new!!! I love when that happens, but not as much as I love my wife:-)

Tiger:Sent: 7:12 PM 9/2/2009:
Forgiveness is the most important quality anyone can have, and I married a woman who is rich in forgiveness. It’s what makes her so lovable to me– her ability to forgive anything I may do no matter what! She’s got a huge forgiving heart and I really love her ;-})

Tiger:Sent: 10:30 PM 9/8/2009:
I hope no one EVER reads these text messages… they’re kind of embarrassing cuz they make me sound pretty head over heels for my terrific wife who I love so much. But what the heck, I am! I love my wife, love my wife, love my wife and that’s the TRUTH!

Tiger:Sent: 7:51 PM 9/14/2009:
Did I mention I love my wife? I do, I really do and would NEVER chase skanks because I want to stay married to my wonderful wife and not go through an expensive, messy divorce. These texts are on the level. Seriously– straight up on the level.