Archive for July, 2010

If you’ve ever poked around the ol’ Lint Screen, you may have come across a section called ‘About da Blog.’ Much like any good mission statement, this page clearly sets forth the Raison d’être (French for ‘Raisin Bran’) of this intellectual public forum. This page also includes a request for pictures of squirrels dressed as blacksmiths, for no other reason than I had never seen one and thought the rest of humanity might enjoy rodents dressed as metallurgical artisans.

Lo and behold, a few pictures came forward, and now the world can see these wonders. Now, one of the masters of squirrel art has forged beyond blacksmithing to ‘squirrel dentistry.’ Mr. Scott Day, a young man looking to make a name in the marketing world, recently shared the following image for me and for you.

Open wide, rinse, spit, enjoy.

Click and enjoy the wonders of rodent dentistry.

Now that BP has officially decided to dump CEO Tony Hayward almost 100 days following the Deepwater Horizon catastrophic oil spill, the British executive is updating his resume and preparing to attack the job market.

Like a chess master, Hayward contemplates his next move.

“I reckon the world will be my oyster,” said a confident Hayward sipping champagne from a 24-Karat solid gold jewel-encrusted chalice on his yacht, “and I plan to slurp it down my gullet and spit out a perfect pearl.”

Asked what his particular strengths are, Hayward became reflective then gushed, “I suppose my strongest suit is my ability to connect with people. I understand human nature and how commoners think. I am unique in my chameleon-like dexterity to adapt to the thinking process of neanderthals and serve up whatever drivel will appease the masses. It’s a gift, actually, my uncanny knack for relating to the lower classes.”

“I’m also quite gifted at cutting costs. I can size up any business quickly and immediately see where the fat lies, then make the tough decisions to trim away the fat leaving nothing but lean, muscular profits. For example, I’d be a perfect CEO for British Airways. I suspect they waste hundreds of millions of pounds on silly things like maintenance and servicing aircraft. I’d see to it that the company shored-up its operations and eliminated expenses like routine maintenance in favor of only fixing things when they fail. This would take the saved expenses directly to the bottom line where they would blossom into sweet, beautiful, magnificent profits. I could do the same thing for just about any business. Nuclear power plants? No need for costly inspections, simply stay the course and keep your fingers crossed. If things go all squiffy, then fix it. But why turn profits into expenses before you have to? It’s not terribly good business. It’s this kind of innovative thinking, along with a firm philosophy of paying good money for lobbyists and politicians, that make me a premier executive any company would be lucky to have at the helm!”

Mr. Hayward will be available for new employment opportunities in October.

I play James Lipton to an advertising superstar. Classy set, isn't it?


Back in November of 2007, I had the pleasure of interviewing Alex Bogusky at the Variety Playhouse in Atlanta. I was El Presidente of the Atlanta Ad Club, and Alex was booked to talk with us. Rather than have a lecture, I wanted to interview him like James Lipton interviews megastars on “Inside The Actors Studio.” Alex liked the idea and was terrific. We packed the house with over 350 people, by far the largest AAC event in recent history, and Alex generously shared his wisdom and insights. It was an inspiring evening and afterward Alex bolted to catch a private plane and fly to Seattle. The agency was pitching Microsoft the next day. They did and they won. Just another day for CP+B.

The communications world was jolted recently when Alex Bogusky, creative Wunderkind of Crispin Porter + Bogusky, announced he was leaving the ad world to pursue other interests.

He wants to do more do-gooder types of things– helping people and what have you. He had received his money from selling to MDC and decided he’d had enough of the adworld. His ex- agency still handles Burger King and Domino’s Pizza and Alex was becoming more vocal about touchy subjects like advertising to children and selling foods that are hardly healthy. He took his ball and left the playground. Good for him; it’s admirable to want to help others, and everyone is curious to see what he does next.

In an industry where there are few interesting people, few visionaries/iconoclasts/leaders, Alex Bogusky stood out. He was controversial at times, but always sincere and passionate. The work, love it or hate it, changed many of the rules of how people communicated with people.

Best wishes, Alex, you were a great guest and voice for our industry.

BP may have a better fix.

Former V.P. Dick Cheney, age 69, received a HeartMate II LVAD (left ventricular assist device) last week and reportedly is recovering well. But officials at BP think they can help Cheney even more.

“After the tremendous success we’ve achieved fixing pesky oil leaks, we sincerely believe we can help the former vice president with his ticker,” said a BP company spokesperson. “Mr. Cheney’s had a world of trouble with his heart, but we’re confident we can help him. After all, look at how we saved the Gulf of Mexico after God erupted that enormous oil spill! Which, by the way, we’re determined to clean up and make right, not because it’s our fault, but because that’s just the kind of swell janes and joes we are!”

The official refused to explain exactly what BP officials had in mind to fix Cheney’s heart, he only said, “It might take some experimenting with innovative techniques or drilling alternate pumping resources, but we feel pretty confident we can make it right. It’s what we do!”

BP's on top of the world!

Now that it looks like the BP Deepwater Horizon leak may finally be capped after 85 days, BP executives are crowing about their brilliance.

“We’re number one!” bragged one executive proudly as he wagged his index finger into this reporter’s face. “We kicked this leak’s butt from here to kingdom come, and you want to know why? I’ll tell you why, you pathetic ink-monkey– because we’re the best there ever was!”

“You can’t keep BP down,” said another executive, we’re always going to rise to the surface like some viscous liquid. It’s just in our DNA.”

“Now that we’ve fixed that little snafu,” said another BP bigwig, “we can get on to rolling the dice and finding some more bubblin’ crude– oil that is, black gold, Texas tea!”

“I’ll tell you one thing,” said an agitated executive, “I’m sick and tired of the media and politicians making us out to the heavies here. It’s not like we put the oil in the ground. Hell’s bells, all we do is take it out of the ground and put it in people’s tanks. We don’t ask for much in return, just some record profits and a little gratitude. Now get out the way, there’s some Macallan Scotch and Montecristos calling my name!”

The Lint Screen staff gets scooped like Baskin Robbins! Ouch.

The headlines recently blasted the news that free agent LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers (‘King James’ to his mother and friends) had decided to go to the Miami Heat. It was big news, but not quite as big as the news that the esteemed benchmark for journalistic integrity, The Lint Screen, had gotten the story wrong.

We reported that LeBron was not going pro, but was going back to high school— to play at Ursuline High, a Catholic school in Youngstown, Ohio. We had this juicy tidbit on very good authority: an inside source and trusted member of LeBron’s inner circle, someone who personally knew the cousin of a guy who has a brother-in-law who knows a guy who lives next door to the apartment of the guy who delivers pizzas to LeBron’s house when the big man’s having parties. As sources go, this ironclad source was platinum.

Alas, it was not and the entire staff of The Lint Screen apologizes to anyone who may have been hurt by our inaccurate reporting, especially those who had bet big in Vegas on Ursuline going unbeaten in its 2010-2011 season. Sorry, we won’t let boners like this ever happen again! But we did just hear LeBron may be starting QB for the Dolphins. More on this later, if it pans out…