Tue 27 Jul 2010
Now that BP has officially decided to dump CEO Tony Hayward almost 100 days following the Deepwater Horizon catastrophic oil spill, the British executive is updating his resume and preparing to attack the job market.
Asked what his particular strengths are, Hayward became reflective then gushed, “I suppose my strongest suit is my ability to connect with people. I understand human nature and how commoners think. I am unique in my chameleon-like dexterity to adapt to the thinking process of neanderthals and serve up whatever drivel will appease the masses. It’s a gift, actually, my uncanny knack for relating to the lower classes.”
“I’m also quite gifted at cutting costs. I can size up any business quickly and immediately see where the fat lies, then make the tough decisions to trim away the fat leaving nothing but lean, muscular profits. For example, I’d be a perfect CEO for British Airways. I suspect they waste hundreds of millions of pounds on silly things like maintenance and servicing aircraft. I’d see to it that the company shored-up its operations and eliminated expenses like routine maintenance in favor of only fixing things when they fail. This would take the saved expenses directly to the bottom line where they would blossom into sweet, beautiful, magnificent profits. I could do the same thing for just about any business. Nuclear power plants? No need for costly inspections, simply stay the course and keep your fingers crossed. If things go all squiffy, then fix it. But why turn profits into expenses before you have to? It’s not terribly good business. It’s this kind of innovative thinking, along with a firm philosophy of paying good money for lobbyists and politicians, that make me a premier executive any company would be lucky to have at the helm!”
Mr. Hayward will be available for new employment opportunities in October.