Archive for August, 2010

A low pressure blast from the past, still on the job in many restrooms. It's so yesterday.

If you’re one of those people who washes his/her hands after going to the bathroom (and we all sincerely hope that you are), you may have noticed a revolution of modernity in public restrooms.

It’s not electric eye-triggered soap dispensers and water facets– which are typically spotty in performance, or robotic toilet tissue dispensers “May I assist in wiping, please, master?”

No, the real revolution is in hand drying.

Yes, hand drying.

It used to be that the Globe Hand Dryer was the pinnacle of hot air-blowing technology, but now it has been blown to the sidelines by a beast that calls itself Xlerator.

This baby blows air like a politician on the campaign trail.

The marvel comes in white and hi tech brushed aluminum and expels air like an F-15 engine that’s riled to rip some serious stratosphere.

If you’ve encountered the Xlerator, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Place your wet hands beneath its nozzle and watch as your skin and flesh do their best to stay attached to your skeleton. While the old World Dryer purred with a kitten’s warm breath, Xlerator roars like a ferocious lion. It devours wetness.

This baby means business and wet hands don’t stand a chance. “Get dry, bitches! DRY!”

Xlerator is one of the true wonders of the 21st century. It’s what George Jetson might use to dry his hands.

We’ll assume Rosie may have helped him with the toilet tissue duties.

Sometimes the future ain’t so pretty.

Is this proof of clean waters in the Gulf of Mexico, or proof of a massive Presidential cover-up?!

BP has found a new scapegoat for the April 20 Deepwater Horizon catastrophic explosion and oil spill–– President Barack Obama.

Capitalizing on Obama’s slide in approval ratings, a BP company spokesperson said anonymously that the President’s recent swim in the Gulf with his daughter Sasha may have been a clever ploy to divert attention away from Obama’s culpability in being responsible for the oil spill.

“Look, I’m not saying President Obama did cause the oil spill,” said the spokesperson, “but I am saying that his swimming in the gulf to prove that it’s clean is exactly the sort of stunt someone who did mastermind the horrific oil spill would have done to cover-up his dirty tracks. I mean, come on, everyone knows how smart the President is–– isn’t this just the kind of brilliant ploy you’d expect from a diabolical genius? And to make your cute daughter an accomplice, well, that is just sheer Alex Trebeck-kind-of-smart. Let’s face it, we’re not even sure if Obama is even a citizen of the U.S.A. or if he’s an Islamic terrorist or an insurance salesman–– who knows what evilness he’s capable of!”

The spokesperson said BP would honor its commitment of $20 billion for cleaning up the oil spill. “We’re just good folks going a good job, and we’re more than happy to help people because we think people who need people are, well, the luckiest people in the world. And we’ll protect these people from the Obama monster.”

A gun offers protection and makes a dandy bookmark.

In Georgia, like many states, we seek protection against the devil and his kin.

So, I’m happy to report we recently passed laws to make it legal to take your firearms with you to church. This means you can keep your sidearm close at hand as you rifle through the Good Book.

It’s about time.

Some say places of worship should be quiet, contemplative and peace-loving, but that’s just the way Satan likes to bait his hook. You’re sitting there with hands folded in prayer and SHAZAM, here comes some nutcase with an AK-47 who wants to kill everyone because his 8-track player broke while he was listening to Black Oak Arkansas or he thinks Glenn Beck told him to extract justice any way he sees fit. Well, Churchie McPeacie, there you are–– an easy target. You’re a sitting duck in a pew about to be bullet fodder!

But if you’re packing heat, you can take that evil-filled varmint down toot-sweet and get back to asking God to go easy on the sixth commandment because it was self defense, after all. While you’re at it, you might ask if He’d givith you a few number tips for the PowerBall lottery, or some pony picks in an upcoming race.

Pass the collection plate and pass the ammo, Sister!

Guns in places of worship make perfect sense in these crazy times. But please, remember that silence is golden and also remember the golden rule.

Kindly refrain from firing your guns into the ceiling when services are complete. It sends a bad signal.

A buddy film where the buddies hate each other. Sweet.

This summer, the temperatures have averaged two degrees cooler than hell, so everyone is looking for reasons to get out of the heat and into the cool. Here’s two flicks worth the money to get you into your nearby air conditioned cineplex: The Other Guys and Scott Pilgrim vs The World.

Both of these movies are extremes, meaning you’ll love them or hate them. This is as art should be.

If you like your comedy silly, sophomoric and played straighter than an arrow lying on the Nebraska plains, The Other Guys fits the bill.

In one tidy package you have the quintessential spoof of the buddy cop film genre. The opening car chase alone is worth the price of admission with Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne (don’t call me ‘The Rock’) Johnson in hot pursuit. But this is just the appetizer.

Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg play partners, the twist is Wahlberg detests Ferrell. Their captain is Michael Keaton (remember when he used to be bigger than Tom Hanks?). Keaton is terrific. I’d forgotten how great his comic sensibilities are and it’s nice to see him back trotting his comedic chops.

Ferrell is pretty subdued for Ferrell– his character is an accountant. The real gem is Wahlberg who plays it so straight one wonders if his face was epoxied to keep from busting a gut.

I’m not saying anything else except if you’re looking for a nice diversion from your Mensa meetings, this is it.

Love is never as easy as you'd think it would be, is it?

As for Scott Pilgrim vs The World, well, it failed miserably in its opening weekend and Hollywood insiders are predicting this could be one of the great bombs of recent history. What a pity if it turns out to be true.

This film directed by Edgar Wright (Shaun of The Dead and Hot Fuzz) is completely fresh. I’m not familiar with the graphic novel comic books the film is based on, and I generally don’t care for geek fare, but this movie entertained me throughout. The graphics, the writing, the music, the risks it takes are all bold. I imagine the sensibilities will be too much for some people and that they’ll leave after the first 20 minutes. Bye bye.

But if you’re intrigued, if you’re looking for something out of the norm, this is the cheese.

Yes, Micael Cera plays the typical Michael Cera role, but he makes sense for this character. He’s a slacker bassist in a band and has been searching for love and coming up snake eyes for a long time. He confused, complex, sincere and insincere– just like a real live human being.

The movie’s got action, adventure, a great soundtrack, laughs, terrific effects, Canadian cityscapes and angst galore.

If this bombs at the box office, I suspect it will kill on DVD. See it while you can on the big screen. It’s well worth coming out of the heat to see.

See both films. They’re a couple of the better movies so far this year.

Ten months after painful hip replacement surgery (read all about it in a revealing 19-part series in the ‘Hip Replacements’ category of The Lint Screen), post production has finally been completed on the sequel to “The Beard”, a stunning new art film entitled “Le Hair de Hip” exploring one man’s dilemma with another man’s facial hair.

Grab the Milk Duds and enjoy the film. Be sure to stay through the credits, give your review and share this little video like corn on the cob at a fiddle competition.

The happy loving couple done got hitched real good!

I suppose it was kind of a big deal to be one of “Triple-A” guests invited to attend Chelsea Clinton’s fab $3 million wedding to Marc Mezvinsky, but if you’re invited you can’t exactly give the ol’ ‘hi-hat’, especially if you’re an F.O.B. and F.O.H.

So, off to Rhinebeck, New York we went.

For a wedding gift, we weren’t sure where the couple was registered so we went with the failsafe gift every newlywed couple needs and loves: an Oster Waffle Iron. As an added bonus, we gave a mouse pad with a cute illustration of a pelican and the clever saying “Who wants fish for supper? I do!”

Cute, meet practical! You just can’t go wrong with the classics.

Here are seven observations about the Clinton affair, er, Clinton daughter wedding.

1. The ceremony was beautiful. The happy couple exchanged vows that included some lyrics from Air Supply songs, Dr. Phil books and helpful tips from Chilton Auto Repair Manuals.

2. Some of the guests in attendance were surprising: Mike Score from Flock of Seagulls, Burt Reynolds, Mary Cheney, Jack Klugman, Eminem, The San Diego Chicken, Marion Barry, James Gandolfini, Paula Dean, Sarah Palin, Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin, Jon “Bowzer” Bauman from Sha Na Na, Donald Sutherland, Seve Ballesteros and Ron Popeil.

3. I think $3 million would get you better fare than rigatoni and meatballs, tossed salad, green beans and steamship round beef with mini rolls. The Pepperidge Farm cookies were a nice touch though.

4. Having a cash bar seemed a little tight-fisted also. I suppose most of the $3 million went into wedding planning. Those people are pricey.

5. The cake was magnificent; I’m thinking Duncan Hines at the least. Only problem was that the decorator couldn’t spell and wrote Congradulations instead of Happy Wedding Day, Y’all!”

6. It may have been the wildest hokey-pokey and chicken dances I’ve ever seen. That Bill Clinton can cut him some rug, and Hillary doing the limbo– classic!

7. A good time was had by all, except Ron Popeil. Apparently he wasn’t the only one giving a Showtime Rotisserie for a wedding gift.