Archive for September, 2010

Dismantling Greatness is hard to witness through teary eyes

Here in God’s Country, we like to say “If you can’t trust a water tower, who can you trust?”

Well, tragedy is slowly striking Gwinnett County as a group of terrorists disassemble one of the greatest roadside attractions in our free land: the Twin Towers of Gwinnett Greatness.

For over three decades, these I-85 icons have proclaimed two confident statements to curious eyes: GWINNETT IS GREAT and SUCCESS LIVES HERE.

For residents of Gwinnett, these were comforting words. For those not lucky enough to live here, the words were truth that stings and gives the ol’ one-two bruising combo to the ego.

But now the glorious Twin Gwinnett Towers are being taken down, I assume by evil terrorists from other jealous counties. I feel the greatness of Gwinnett flickering and wonder if perhaps Success is packing its bags. I certainly hope not, Success was a great neighbor (really has a beautiful lawn and landscaping, plus was always happy to pick up the mail and newspapers for vacationing neighbors).

The Towers are falling, The Towers are falling–– woe is all of us!

Stephen Colbert, the alleged funnyman and host of The Colbert Report on Comedy Central, was invited to testify before Congress on Friday about how working as a migrant worker on farms isn’t as much fun as you’d think it would be and at the end of his talk he said that the workers (many of whom are illegal immigrants) deserve better treatment but throughout his testimony is was like he was cracking wise and not being serious enough kowtowing to Congress and what in God’s name is he up to anyway making our politicians look stupid because if he mocks them he mocks us for we are the people who elected those righteous people to be our people in Washington and what kind of sicko whackjob tries to make fools of the very people who represent we the people anyway?!

A very dangerous man, this Stephen Cobert, very dangerous indeed!

Jobs prepares for an enormous change as Wall Street holds its collective bad breath.

Steven P. Jobs, the iconic co-founder of Apple Computers, is rumored to be contemplating a major new direction for Apple in the upcoming weeks.

Sources close to the iron-fisted leader whisper that rumors of a new initiative are true: Jobs will be changing his uniform from a black mock turtleneck and blue jeans to something “with a lot more flair and pizazz!”

Jobs has worn the same uniform of a mock black turtleneck and jeans ever since he was a child, and many financial analysts believe this fashion consistency has been a critical component of Apple’s enormous success.

“Sure Apple makes cool computers and stuff,” said a high powered trader who demanded anonymity, “but what people are really buying is Steve’s consistent look. Depending on what he changes to, I think the stock price could get hammered.”

Many Wall Streeters believe if Jobs makes a change to a denim shirt with black khakis, the stock price will slip initially but could come back. “But if Jobs goes crazy with, say, a plaid shirt and white parachute linen pants, all bets are off. Expect the stock to crater.”

Many fear even worse fashion outlooks. One wild rumor making the rounds is that Jobs will opt for Hawaiian shirts, Capri pants, black satin pumps and porkpie hats. “If that happens, I don’t care what kind of i-Crap you’re making– no one’s buying!”

A little memory aid is a good thing.

There’s an alarming trend in America’s restaurants: the uber-waiters and waitresses who take orders without writing them down.

They cock their heads as people recite their complex orders of “a garden salad with no cucumbers or onions, extra tomatoes, light ranch dressing on the side and a meatloaf platter, light on the tomato sauce, sub fries for mashed potatoes– oh, and could I get spinach instead of green beans?”

Later, the server brings a veggie soup and a meatloaf sandwich with onion rings.

There is no shame in writing things down, wait-people. The diners of America will not mock you for resorting to visual aids to remember our persnickety orders. In fact, we feel good about it. Writing the order down is reassuring and comforting. We do not give you extra credit or extra tips for not writing it down. No one expects you to be a memory expert, honestly. If you were, you wouldn’t be taking orders from swine like us.

Thanks. I feel better. Please refrain from spitting in my food.

Kids to be cast into fires of hell-- where they belong!

Gainesville, Florida Rev. Terry Jones has decided not to hold a public burning of copies of the Quran, the central religious text of Islam, on the ninth anniversary of 9-11. Instead, he now wants to burn copies of the classic textbook reader series “Dick and Jane.”

“I’ve got the world’s attention and I’ve got to make a statement of some sort,” said the pastor mopping his brow with a silk kerchief. “I guess a lot of folks were upset I was going to torch the Quran, but I don’t think anyone will be upset when I send those promiscuous characters Dick and Jane straight into the fires of hell!”

Rev. Jones says the books, many of which were mainstays of American education for well over 50 years, infiltrated young minds and turned them against all that is good and wholesome.

“These books are disgusting. Dick galavants about in short pants, chasing after Jane, wearing her revealing short dresses and highly shined shoes,” said the irate preacherman. “These demented characters include a young innocent named Sally and introduce Spot the Dog and Puff the Cat. Who knows what sort of disgusting beastiality ensued! And what of Tim the Teddy Bear? I know what people do with stuffed animals. All these illicit shenanigans occur under the approving eyes of the ultra liberal promiscuous parents, referred to Mother and Father. What sort of parents are these?! Is it any wonder the kids who read these subversive texts grew up to become beatniks, hippies, slackers, grungers and other Satanic cretins who only care about smoking reefer cigarettes, shooting the heroin powder and getting whacked-out on the goofballs and bennies!”

The preacher grew suddenly pensive. “I’ve got to burn something, I’ve got lots of matches.”

Tiger tries recalling the women of his championship seasons

Recently divorced golf legend Tiger Woods is on the prowl for some old female companionship.

A man who claims he knows Tiger very, very well and swears that he is not a liar, reports that the megastar golfer is frustrated with both his golf game and his love life. “When Tiger was married, he had ladies stashed all over the tour and his golf game was never better. Now, he’s divorced, been trying to be a good two-shoes and having troubles on the course. So, Tiger’s decided to start trying to remember which extracurricular woman he was with at which tournament–– because obviously she was his ‘lucky lady’ and that will help him to find his golfing groove. If he can just get back into his old routine, he’s confident he can get back into his winning ways and his march towards the record books as the greatest golfer ever, if not the greatest lovin’ golfer ever!”

When asked about Tiger’s swing, the confidant became agitated. “Of course Tiger swings. What, have you been in a cave the past year?! Cripes a-loo, you must be an idiot!”

Journalists are not uncaring robots. This reporter wept silently and walked away.