Archive for November, 2010

What do you get when you cross The Situation with Bristol Palin?

Absolutely nothing!

The two pop culture icons appear together in a compellingly persuasive new PSA all about safe sex that has proven so effective, people no longer feel the need to have sex.

Population experts fear the human race may soon become extinct as a result.

Imagine you’ve spent a distinguished career as a respected journalist, and you finally get a shot to appear in a feature film alongside Bob Schieffer and Chris Matthews and HARRISON FORD!

You’d be thinking, I’m golden, I got me some cinematic gold dust to sprinkle on my career.

Unfortunately, the movie is a miserable mess called Morning Glory, the dreaded romantic comedy that has neither believable romance or laughable comedy. Yes, it’s that catnip called a date movie that every male attends knowing in the back of his mind that it will be disappointing, but holding optimistic hope that he may be fooled.

No such luck here. This sucker never gets airborne.

The plot is this: a perky producer played by Rachel McAdams is fired from her job working for a morning show in New Jersey. She’s down, she’s out, even her mom loses faith in her dream. Wah wah wahhhhhh.

But you can’t keep a dreamer down. No, she gets an interview with the lowest ranked morning show on a national network– staffed with a dysfunctional crew and egomaniacal anchors, including an ex-Miss Arizona beauty queen played by Diane Keaton. Rachel gets hired as executive producer by boss man Jeff Goldblum. Hooray for the goodness and dreaming!

The perky producer begins shaking things up. She fires one anchor (leaving Diane Keaton in her role) and hires a new anchor, a curmudgeonly legendary newsman who has a network contract that says he HAS to take any job offered. This guy is played by a sleepwalking Harrison Ford.

Now imagine what sort of wacky hijinks might ensue with a lightweight female anchor (Keaton) and a heavyweight newsman anchor (Ford) who despise each other. I guarantee anything you imagined is better and funnier than what writer Aline Brosh McKenna imagined in her screenplay.

The entire film is plodding, poorly directed and paced by Roger Michell, and ultimately as satisfying as having a popcorn kernel wedged between two teeth. I had that dreaded condition during my screening and it did distract me a bit from the pain of viewing this hateful little film.

The scene with Morley, Bob, Chris and Harrison is one in which the pompous newsman is on a bender and out with his newsmen pals, and his perky producer comes to make him behave.

A pity Morley Safer had to be a part of such an embarrassing mess. He may want to go to a war zone to make himself feel better and atone for appearing in Morning Glory.

As for you, considered yourself fairly warned.

The American air-traveling public was upset enough over enhanced TSA pat-down checks and body scans, but now its ire is on full boil with new ‘extra security candid photos’ being enacted in airports nationwide.

Select travelers are taken into a private security areas where they are asked to disrobe, and in some cases wear revealing costumes, so that they can be photographed by TSA shutterbugs.

“I can’t believe what they did,” said Mandy Ginhuttin, a 28-year old mechanical engineer who was recently subjected to the new enhanced security check at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport in Atlanta.

“The TSA guard escorted me to an area that was about the size of a department store dressing room. I was instructed to disrobe and change into a revealing teddy outfit, from Victoria’s Secret, I think. I asked why, and they said it was a top secret security procedure. I did what they said, I was terrified. Then, some sleazy photographer came in and took a couple dozen pictures. He was saying rude things like, ‘Oh yeah, baby, that’s it– make love to the lens, that’s the stuff. Yeah, baby– I’m going to make you a star, sugar, a TSA star!’ After about ten minutes of posing, he told me I did great and I was cleared, I could get clothed and catch my flight. He said I might receive a follow-up call to take part in a video security project he was doing. He said that the film was being shot in some motel close to the airport. Frankly, it all seems pretty sleazy, not to mention suspicious.”

Another woman, Juanita Vesquez, reported she was asked to don a tight-fitting nurse’s uniform for her photo session. “They told me that apparently a lot of terrorists were dressing in costumes and uniforms and that with my cooperation, they could build some sort of database. It didn’t make much sense to me, but they said I had to either do that or be subjected to an oil rub-down private security check with Yanni music playing in the background. That really creeped me out, so I decided to do the dress-up thing. I had a choice to wear either a nurse uniform, a Catholic school girl outfit or a cheerleader get-up. I think the whole thing was shady, and an incredible invasion of my privacy!”

When asked about the new security procedure, TSA employees were mum but offered to give this reporter a pat-down with iron pipes if he didn’t move his big mouth along quickly.

Obama may soon be growing brush to clear some brush.

In an attempt to bolster his sagging approval ratings, President Barack Obama is reportedly giving serious consideration to buying a ranch.

An anonymous source in Obama’s secret inner circle called “The Whispering Shadows of Secrecy And Skullduggery” said the story is absolutely true during a clandestine meeting with this journalist at a popular Washington, D.C. restaurant.

“Obama’s been in Washington a couple years now,” said the source, “and he just can’t crack that darn bipartisan political nut. I mean, the democrats got hammered in the last elections. We need a huge ‘Hail Mary’ play, and the President thinks he’s got one.”

The source quickly darted his eyes around the restaurant nervously, then hurridly applied gum spirits and a fake Van dyke beard to his face. He spoke in angel kiss-soft hushed whisper.

Reagan puts in a good day's work.

“The President is an astute student of history and he’s been studying common traits of popular presidents of recent times. He believes he’s cracked the code for gaining favor with the American public: brush clearing.”

The antsy man quickly reached into his suit jacket pocket and put on a pair of dark granny sunglasses. He continued his whispering but affected a Romanian accent.

“Look, Ronald Reagan was an actor before he got into politics, right? So he naturally understood the importance of set design, wardrobe, props– the whole enchilada. What’s he do when approval ratings sag? He spends some time on a ranch clearing brush and voila, his popularity skyrockets! Genius, sheer genius!”

The nervous source quickly donned an orange leather fedora hat with a long peacock feather propped out of the brim, darted his eyes about the room and continued in a whisper.

W. knew the importance of clearing brush.

“Now fast forward to George W. Bush’s two-term presidency. W. had his ranch near Crawford, Texas. He made 77 trips there over his eight years as president and spent all or part of 490 days there. That’s a lot of brush clearing, but he did it gladly to get out of the Washington bubble. Obama’s finally getting the message: the public likes a president who can clear him some brush!”

The unnamed source quickly dove beneath the table and continued. “Once Obama gets his ranch, raises some brush and then clears same brush, well, look out. He’ll be a lock for a second term.”

With that, the Washington insider began crawling in a serpentine pattern across the restaurant floor toward the door and vanished into the street, sticking this reporter with the check.

Washington insiders definitely know how to play hardball.

Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting some more for laughs to arrive. Will they ever come?

I can’t recall if it was Gene Siskel or Roger Ebert who came up with ‘beware three or more writers rule’, but he was very wise.

The rules is simple: if a screenplay has three or more people listed in the credit, you’ve got an early warning sign it’s going to be a bad movie. Well, Due Date has four people credited as writers. Four writers, including director Todd Phillips, who should be ashamed for bringing this project to fruition.

Then again, there’s no excuse for talented actors like Robert Downey, Jr. and Zach Galifianakis to get involved with a script this bad unless they are illiterate or really hard up for cash.

The premise of the film is pretty simple: it’s Planes, Trains & Automobiles with some wacky plot twists and a cute dog thrown in for good measure (cute dogs are Hollywood’s catnip for guffaws). Whereas PT&A was fresh and funny, this film is stale and barely amusing.

If you saw the trailer, save your money. You’ve seen the best parts of the film. If you’re a diehard Downey, Jr. or Galifianakis fan, wait for the video. If moviegoers waste good hard-earned cash on claptrap like this, Hollywood will keep serving us more.

It’s time to send a message. I’ve done my part.

I feel like watching Planes, Trains & Automobiles again.

You want 'em, we got 'em-- PORK BRAINS!

The statistical analysis department here at The Lint Screen recently issued a 146-page report detailing the most popular key words that have attracted readers to this site.

According to the number crunchers, here’s the catnip for curious eyeballs:
moon
lost
Swedish Bikini Team
job hunting
X-ray porn
cute kitten
oilade
fab four
lonely

These key words are the cheese that attracts the most people on our planet to this hub of intelligencia and good taste.

So, the marketing department of The Lint Screen suggested we do a posting that combined all these power players in one entry. Like a dream team playing its greatest hits, if you will.

Here we are. And just for good measure, the creative department (usually lazy no-goodniks with feet propped on desktops and heads nestled in clouds) wanted to add something new: pork brains (who knows, maybe these two words will attract new readers to Lint).

Feel free to poke around the key words above and see what’s the most popular Lint to date. Please come again because we may be cooking up some more pork brains with the culinary department here at Lint.

Pork brain pastries, perhaps?