The Lint Screen

The Lint Screen has learned that authorities have apprehended a suspect in the gruesome killings of 246 people in the quiet social gaming community of Farmville.

The unnamed suspect had been staying at a Deep Discounter Inn in the nearby town of Shadyville. In an early morning raid Friday, the suspect was taken into custody after having been given a thorough police beating and a good talking-to.

Farmville Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton refused commenting on the case against the suspect except to say that “he could take a punch” and “he seems pretty guilty to me.”

“The no goodnik has lawyered-up, which means he’s probably guilty as sin,” said Chief Weatherton as he iced-down his fists. “We think we’ve definitely got our man. We can’t be spending all our time looking for a killer. We want to shut this case as quickly as we can and get back to farming and earning farm coins. This is an open and shut case as far as I’m concerned. If we have to slap the scales of justice upside his head to get a confession, we will.”

The social network gaming community is devastated by the tragic news that a horrific gravesite containing 246 bodies has been discovered in the peaceful and cooperative community of Farmville.

“It’s the worst thing anyone here could imagine” said Farmville Mayor, Winslow “Winky-Dinky” Spitoomber. “Murder really isn’t part of our social fabric. We’re usually a very peaceful, helpful community looking to build together with a common purpose. Now that this awful event has happened, we’re probably going to have some trouble attracting visitors. The value of farm coins could plummet and we may be headed toward a death spiral. But we still have one of the best climates on the internet.”

Medical examiners report the bodies had been hung, bludgeoned by blunt objects, shot, had their throats slit, axed to death and run over by a tractor. Police have identified most of the bodies as “migrant workers, drifters, sidewinders, short order cooks, human resources professionals, hair care stylists, insurance salespeople and dental technicians.”

“At this time,” reported Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton, “we have no suspect, but lots of hunches and twitchy feelings. We believe the person or persons who did these gruesome acts is not normal and may have some anger management issues. In my professional opinion, it’s a pickle. A true blue pickle of a pickle!”