Archive for April, 2011

Unfortunately, by order of the Queen, all limbs must not be put in, put out, or shaken all about.

To the disappointment of all who will attend the gala reception following the Royal Wedding tomorrow of Prince William and Kate de la Common Folks, Queen Elizabeth II has declared there will be no dancing of the traditional wedding reception favorite, “The Hokey Pokey.”

A spokesman for the reigning monarch issued the following statement this morning. “While the Queen loves a good festive dance, she believes that ‘the putting of a left foot in and the putting of a left foot out and the putting of a left foot back in and shaking it all about’ is not in keeping with the solemn occasion of this Royal union. She regrets the ill feelings any may harbor by this decision, but she believes it is in the best interest of the Monarchy.”

Although the news was met with disappointment and grief, the Queen has decided that “The Chicken Dance” and “The Electric Slide” will be permitted at the reception.

“The Queen loves the silliness of people flapping their arms like chicken wings,” said the spokesman as he polished his monocle. He also reminded the press corps, “If you are attending the reception, please remember to bring a covered dish– Swedish meatballs, pigs in a blanket and noodle casseroles are always popular and welcomed. Also, please do remember the dress code is ‘swanky.’ No denim, cut-offs or tank tops, please.”

The greatest president ever? Did you have to even ask?

Now that the “long version” of President Barack Obama’s birth certificate has been made public, celebrity head o’ hair Donald Trump is demanding new proof of Obama’s citizenship.

Citizenship in the human race!

The Donald is now claiming that the President may not be a human being, he may be an alien from another planet!

“Look,” Trump told reporters while breaking ripe cantelopes with a polo mallet, “I’m an incredibly successful, charismatic natural born leader. Certainly the most intelligent human ever conceived. People want me to be President. I get that– they’d be nuts not to want me. Now Obama, he’s the leader of the free world–– why won’t he go on air and bare his belly for all the world to see that he was born of woman. I mean, come on, what’s he trying to hide? His showing his belly button would give some proof that he’s not an alien sent here to destroy civilization and eat our children, kill our seniors and bankrupt our society. What’s he trying to hide, anyway? Mr. President, just lift your shirt, bare the button and be done with it.”

“I’d make a great President,” Trump said. “The best ever. Lincoln’d be crap compared to me.”

It's a stunner, she is; the bride will stride in pride!

Along with the rest of the world’s media, reporters from The Lint Screen have been swarming the streets of London looking for scoop on the upcoming matrimony of Prince William to Kate The Commoner, and we’ve unearthed a scoop that would give Ben & Jerry a hernia.

We have an exclusive sneak peek at Kate’s wedding dress!!!!

Oh, she’s a beaut, she is– all pretty in pink with a bell shape to make Kate’s legs ring-a-ling-a-ding down the aisle of Westminster Abbey. This breathtaking gown has lacy accents and enough class to fill both Oxford and Cambridge!

We suspect William’s knees will turn to soft toffee pudding when he catches a good gander at his mate all pretty in pink, ready for a dance and a drink. Terrence Ogden Nigel Cuppenstunce, a noted British fashion designer, says the dress is surprising in a number of ways.

“Kate eschewed the boring canvas of white or off-white in favor of some vibrancy and life. I love the poofy scoopage around her neck, and the long satin gloves add a certain swankiness that is, how you say– beautitific! Oh, this is a dress for the ages and I am quite literally breathless in anticipation.” With that, the elderly designer collapsed to the ground clutching his chest and gasping for sweet life.

William, you’re one lucky dog!

I got the perfect wedding gift, but no one to give it to!

Amazingly, I was not invited to the wedding of young Prince William to Commoner Kate.

Apparently Queenie-poo will never forgive me for “the macaroni salad incident” that happened when I met the Queen Mum in 2004. It was a joke, but let’s face it– The Royals have never been known for their senses of humor (or “humour” as they say across the pond).

I suppose I should be happy I don’t have to spring for pricey airfare or ask for a cot in Buckingham Palace. I do feel like I got stuck with a great wedding gift I bought for the happy couple. Now I’m either going to have to use it myself, or re-gift it to another marrying couple.

It’s unbelievable how unforgiving some people can be.

Beware what you write on the internets, weisenheimers!

In a bold move, the Internet Police have stepped up prosecution of laugh out-loud (LOL) violations.

“We’re going to nip this problem in the old budarooski,” said IP Chief Randy McTaversh. “For far too long we’ve allowed polite smiles, mild chortles, even repressed chuckles to maliciously impersonate LOLs–– and we’re sending a message that this will not stand!”

Violators face serious prosecution including five-inch hot metal spiked driven through eyeballs, Louisville Sluggers ‘going for the fences’ on the kneecaps, repeated viewings of Louie Anderson’s stand-up routines and in extreme cases, beheading accompanied by genial mocking.

“I’m going to watch myself,” said internet fan, Mike Ralstond, “I have high speed hook-up and I wouldn’t want the Internet Police pulling me over for speeding. LOL.”

Visiting hours for Mr. Ralstond are 6-8 pm at Ferguson’s Funeral Home on Mission Street.

I like Ike because although he was a military man, he knew how dangerous the power of profiting from wars could be.

Here’s a swatch from President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s “see you later” speech to the American people. Now it’s 50 years later, and his words are still haunting, especially in light of how they’ve been ignored. Today, we’ve got us a trillion-bucks-a-year big business in defense!

Enjoy this liberal peacenik’s rant. One can only imagine what Ike would have thought of our military industrial complex today.