Archive for May, 2011

Disney Attorneys: are they more frightening that SEAL Team 6?

Disney has made a great patriotic gesture by dropping its intent to trademark the phrase “SEAL Team 6” for use on garments, clothing, ornaments, and every object on earth. Now commoners can use “SEAL Team 6” without fear of being swarmed and pummeled with lawsuits by Disney legal counsellors.

Thank you, Disney.

However, Disney has decided to trademark some other phrases including the following:
“Mom”
“My penguin is jittery”
“Hello”
“Pass the salt, please”
“Mother”
“Is this your umbrella?”
“Thanks”
“That’s why they call it ‘marauding'”
“Amen”
“I think I have food poisoning”
“Hey, how about wiping off the seat of the stationary bike before you leave, jerkwad?”
“God”
“Wad the tracing paper, dance a wee bit of a jig–– we’re going to Santa Fe!”

Legal experts are unsure if Disney will be able to clear muster of trademarking all these phrases and words, but know they your ability to freely use them may be limited.

By the way, is this your umbrella?

Shiver me timbers-- wake me when it's over, maties!

Here we go again–– an early entry into the summer big blockbuster season built on a successful multi-billion dollar franchise with an incredible cast including Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Penelope Cruz and Ian McShane. It’s Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tide!!! You’ve got great expectations, right?

Yep, and expectations are dashed to the rocks like the surf.

This rollicking adventures has lots of swashbuckling, sword fights galore, evil mermaids and more mascara than a New York runway during fashion week. Yet it bores.

If you have kiddies, you have no choice– you’ve got to fork over more booty to Disney. But if you’re an adult movie fan, save your money. This lightweight fare isn’t worth your time.

We’ve been there, done that and the bag of tricks feels empty. The plot is a convoluted tale of the search for the fountain of youth. The scriptwriters seemingly discovered energy drinks while writing this; the story is never ending.

And the uninspired Hans Zimmer soundtrack only adds to the tedium. It sounds like needledrop music from beginning to end.

Rob Marshall (Chicago, Nine) directs endless fight scenes with a deft hand for choreography, yet somehow this whole film lacks soul, humor, excitement and humanity.

Frankly, my dears, I just didn’t give a damn what happened next.

It’s a pity to spend so much money on big sets, lavish costumes, casts of hundreds, real star power, beautiful cinematography, cool special effects and end up with such precious little treasure. Unfortunately, it’ll make another billion. Cha-ching, maties!

After viewing this mess, I felt like pirates have robbed me of a couple hours of my life. Yawn.

Hey, this hellhole ain't so bad after all!

It appears I am not one of the chosen ones selected for ascension into heaven during Rapturepalooza 2011.

I assume Harold Camping made the grade. Maybe some others. But I did not.

So, I’ve unpacked my bags with the DVDs, books, magazines, cameras, cinder block collection, slightly used lightbulbs, leftovers and other essentials for a long holiday.

I’m resigned to further life on this planet with you, my fellow passengers. Where as yesterday I considered you “evil sinners” and “suckers”, I realize today that I might have been hasty in passing judgment.

Today you look like my bestest friends and most cherished mates.

So let’s take up the yoke of humanity going forward, do our best, have some fun and let bygones be bygones.

Until the next Rapture (then, it’s every man, woman and child for him/herself).

Gone Rapturin'. Wish you were here!

At 6 P.M. Eastern Standard Time today, the Rapture will arrive. Those of us who have led a good life of righteousness and obedience to Harold Camping will be whisked up to Heaven for our eternal rewards, while the rest of you are left behind and subjected to five months of God’s pranks–– earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, aggressive life insurance salespeople, Donald Trump, poo-flinging monkeys and what have you.

Talk about your haves and have nots.

While I feel sorry for the rest of you suckers, I have to say I’ve enjoyed your company here on earth. It’s too bad you were evil sinners and didn’t make the upgrade list.

I’ll be getting out while the getting’s good, and I’m hoping there will be no TSA in the after-gig because I don’t relish the idea of my fake hips setting off the alarms and having some saint or angel give me a pat-down. Although an angel pat-down might be a ticklish and enjoyable experience.

In closing, I want to thank all the faithful Lint Screen readers for their literacy and patronage in making this blog one of the most popular on earth containing the words “Lint”, “Screen” and “The.” If you make the list for eternal salvation during Rapture, I’ll buy you a drink. If you don’t, I’ll wish you the best in lawyering-up and getting good representation for Judgement Day.

Ciao, babe!

al Queda franchisees are lonely in a leadership vacuum.

The al Queda franchise has suffered a serious blow following the death of its leader, Osama bin Laden. The worldwide organization of evil is in turmoil with a vacuum of leadership.

“I pay my franchise fees, and I get bupkis is return,” said an unnamed al Queda operative. “I am very disappointed there is not a better succession plan in place. How am I supposed to keep my staff motivated if corporate is in such disarray? It’s a tragic situation.”

Across the globe, other al Quedaes express similar frustrations. “Osama bin Ladin was a great leader,” said a franchisee in a popular unnamed location. “He’d send us motivational videos and memos all the time. Even motivational posters with a picture of a cute kitten with its paws hanging from a rope and the words ‘Hang in there, baby!’ Very inspiring stuff. And now? Now I can’t even get a sign saying ‘Employees must wash hands before returning to their dastardly douchebag behavior.’ I mean, come on, how hard difficult is it to deliver on that?!

What many franchisees find most disappointing is the lack of creativity from corporate al Queda. “We just got our spring packet or terrorist promotional ideas. It was lame-o. More ideas like underwear bombs, prank phone calls, and bags of poop lit on fire and left at the front door of the White House after the doorbell is rung– it’s just nothing too inspired.”

While many have speculated things will be better once rumored #2 Ayman al-Zawahiri is elevated to replace bin Laden, some franchisees aren’t so sure. “Nice guy,” said one disgruntled franchisee, “evil as the day is long, but has the charisma of a sun-baked stone. Osama, he ain’t!”

Some al Queda franchisees say if they do not seem improvements soon, they may get out of the organization altogether. “Look,” said one unnamed member, “I could get better returns with a Smoothie King or Subway franchise. Corporate needs to get in the game or it’s going to lose some good people.”

A lot of talent without a lot to work with. A pity, that.

Kristen Wiig is one of the most talented comic actors working. Her characters on Saturday Night Live are reason enough to tune-in, and her supporting roles in movies have been consistently excellent over the years. Her performance in Bridesmaids is also a winner, but unfortunately, this movie misses.

Kristen is partly to blame–– she co-wrote this film with Annie Mumolo, and the screenplay needed a lot of work. There are too many characters, not enough character development, too much story, and it goes on and on and on and on. It runs 2:05, few comedies can maintain that marathon distance.

This film’s not hateful, it’s just, well, unrealized and disappointing.

This is a movie with a couple inspired scenes and a lot of flabby storylines flapping on the screen. It’s a shame. There’s a lot of talent here (Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne, Melissa McCarthy, Jon Hamm and Ellie Kemper), including one of the funniest skit guys in the world, Tim Heidecker of Tim & Eric fame, who didn’t even got a line to read.

Oh well. It was an easy movie to pitch, I’m sure– a female The Hangover with Judd Apatow attached as producer. It should have been money. Instead, it’s a disappointing waste of talent.

Cue the trombones. Wah wah wahhhhhhh.