Archive for May, 2011

Hubby Osama was hardly Mr. Popular with the ladies.

Osama bin Laden’s three wives have been subjected to extensive questioning by U.S. intelligence officials, and their observations are not flattering.

Ozzie was a pig,” says wife #1, “the man never picked-up after himself in his life. He was a total slob. His mother spoiled him rotten–a real mama’s boy, that one. And his personal hygiene? Forget about it. The guy stunk like a dipped skunk. He wouldn’t have known a stick of deodorant or a toothbrush if it bit him!”

Wife #2 agreed that bin Laden was no picnic to be married to. “Osammy was very introverted. He never shared his feelings or opened up his heart about anything. He never cried at movies like Titanic, Casablanca or Up. And when it came to birthdays and holidays, I never got so much as a card, let alone flowers or chocolates. He was pretty much a jerk, really.”

But wife #3 did think her ex excelled in one category. “Osama-Rama-Ding-Dong may have been the biggest creep who ever lived. He was a world class muttonhead. Always said he’d do some yard work or build shelves in the closet, or fix the wobbly leg of the end table, but he’d never get around to it. He’d spend all his time pouring over his stash of porn or watching himself on TV, like some egotistical Charlie Sheen-like mook. The dude was a total tool!”

None of the widows have plans to remarry.

This spot from Ogilvy Dublin for Irish Society for the Preventition of Cruelty to Children Summer Campaign is one of the most disturbing and powerful public service spots I’ve ever seen.

No arty metaphors, tone poems or symbolic messages. Just the problem, demonstrated.

You’re not going to like it, but you will remember it. I hope to hell it works.

The evil bastard Osama bin Laden had a darker side than any of us imagined.

The recent raid of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan pad resulted in his death, some nasty rug stains and his eternal shame and embarrassment as U.S. government officials today released details of records captured in the evil man’s lair.

There is one obvious conclusion to be drawn: bin Laden had truly disturbing taste in music!

The al Qaeda leader had a 666 vinyl album collection that included the entire works of Yanni, Ethel Merman, Spice Girls, Vanilla Ice, Fat Louie Szykowski & His Big Polka Band, Mini Moni, Hanson, Limp Bizkit, Baccara, Air Supply, Nickelback, Tiny Tim, Tiffany, Starland Vocal Band, Armi ja Danny, John Tesh, Hoobastank, Jonas Brothers, Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots, Zamfir, Boxcar Willie, El Chombo, Ratt, Bay City Rollers, Daler Mehndi, Bread, David Hasselhoff, Milli Vanilli, Steklovata, Creed and Ashlee Simpson.

“bin Laden was truly evil,” said a government official, “we discovered an extensive collection of Marcel Marceau albums, including the rare title ‘Writer’s Block’ that in my opinion is definitely sonically superior to the digitally remastered CD from 2008. That thing sucks, dude–– sucks!” the official shouted as he spat on the ground in disgust.

“Most disturbing of all is an album we found that has various artists like Bobby Goldsboro, Alvin and the Chipmunks and Leif Garrett covering the Disney song ‘It’s A Small World After All.’ It’s hard to imagine how anyone could be that hateful to own such an evil thing. This guy was obviously even worse than we feared” The official shook his head in disgust and waited patiently for time to pass.

It did.


Trouble in paradise? The scene following the Royal row.

It appears the storybook wedding of a commoner to a prince may be over almost as soon as it began. The rumor mills are working overtime that the marriage of Kate Middleton to Prince William is on the rocks, or to quote Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto, “Kaputsville. She’s shutting the dude down.”

Embedded The Lint Screen reporters say the following exchange took place in a love nest the couple shared following their wedding ceremony.

(CAST: Prince William–PW, Kate Middleton–KM)
PW: I say, my angel-love, these crumpets are quite lovely. Each morsel is absolutely divine. Heavenly, I must say!
KM: Enough of your incessant chatter, you twit, I can’t take it any longer! Could you possibly be quiet for just one moment, or do you never tire of hearing your incessant blathering?!
PW: My word, lovee, whatever is it? Are you feeling out of sorts?
KM: Out of sorts?! Oh, that’s rich! Me, out of sorts. (Affecting a Cockney accent) Shall I polish your silver, guv’nor. Do the family jewels need attending to? How might I be of service to you, m’lord?!
PW: Good heavens, Katie-wait-waits, whatever has you on edge?
KM: Are the cameras off, then, Billy-boy? Am I done with the pageantry blushing bride business? Might I finally let my knickers down, then?
PW: Please, Kate, there’s no need for courseness.
KM: Enough. I cannot, I will not be trapped like this. I want to be free! I want to soar, I want to live, I want to dance! I want to laugh by the moonlight and kiss the sunrise! I want to feel cool mud between my toes and bask in the warmth of a dead moose carcass…
PW: What was that, dear? I was texting Henry and I’m afraid I missed what you just said…
KM: Then hear this– I’m done!
(SFX: Smashing glassware, frustrated female screams and subdued sounds of a man sobbing uncontrollably.)

Royal watchers are concerned for where this marriage may be heading. Others report it is typical to begin a healthy marriage with a healthy row, followed by decades of suppressed anger and festering rage.

Time will tell.