Archive for July, 2011

The new face of America will be hard to recognize.

The political grandstanding in Washington has resulted in a game of chicken with neither side blinking and our foreign creditors looming outside our door twirling their handlebar mustaches and laughing evilly. But citizens, do not think Washington is broken!

In a bold and decisive move, both the House and Senate have unanimously approved a bill that would purchase an ingenious disguise for every American to wear after we miss our debt payments and have to go into what economists call “severe deadbeat status.”

“It’s a plan that everyone on the Hill likes because we don’t have to raise taxes, close tax loopholes, cut any spending or do anything that will cost us political capital,” said an anonymous House Representative. “When our creditors come looking for us to get their money, every American can simply shrug and say we don’t know where all the Americans went– we’re new in this country. It’s foolproof really. The only fly in the Vaseline is how we’re going to raise the money needed for 311,884,965 fake glasses and mustaches. Fortunately, we’ve been able to secure a special government discount on these for only $42.35 each from a subsidiary of Halliburton. We’ll find the money, I’m sure!”

Mysterious insider spills guts of new plot.

With the United States government facing impending default, politicians have been scrambling for a solution. The latest involves using the internet to hoodwink people into giving needed funds to pay our debtors.

In a secret conversation held in Washington, a top ranking official confidentially told The Lint Screen that the deal has gained bipartisan approval and looks like it will be going forward.

“What we’ll do is blanket the world with an e-mail from a fictitious diplomat who is managing the estate of his recently departed relative. He’ll inform the recepient that he or she can receive $680,000,000 in U.S. funds that was left them by a distant rich uncle. In order to get the monies, the person simply needs to forward some information like his or her personal bank account number so that we can wire the funds. When the mark writes back with the financial info, we suck the account dry. The whole thing’s a brilliant ruse, see, there is no dead rich uncle– the uncle is Uncle Sam and he’ll get rich toot-sweet with this little scam!”

With that, the insider laughed loudly, ignited a Chesterfield, inhaled deeply and walked into the shadows of the Lincoln Memorial as he whistled.

Sleep well, America. We’re almost rich.

Now that its back is against the wall to its creditors in the ongoing U.S. debt crisis, politicians have been working hard to propose a solution. And they believe they have it.

Politicians find perfect fall guy for the U.S. debt crisis.

If no political compromise plan can be developed with spending cuts and/or tax enhancements, the United States government will enact “The Mail Strategy.”

“We’ll inform our creditors that we just paid them and that the check is in the mail,” said a high ranking senator who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s a classic ploy because who can say it isn’t? It’ll buy us some time while we continue to hash this thing out. Of course, it is only a temporary solution because we’ll eventually have to actually get them a check, but it will by us some well needed time. And, if worse comes to worse, we can write them a rubber check which again will buy us some time. One thing’s for sure and you can take this to the bank– America’s politicians are working hard to solve this doozie of a pickle crisis!”

The United States of America learned today that it had been rejected for its Discover Card application. A company spokesman said the country “poses too great a risk,” “has a shaky employment history,” and “is probably more of a Capital One-type of customer.”

While government officials expressed disappointment at the news, they were thankful for the tip about applying for a Capital One credit card. “They give those suckers to absolutely anyone, so we’re golden.”

Some added muscle will raise needed revenue.

Meanwhile, the government is organizing an army of church ushers to act as a goon squad going door to door across America with collection baskets.

An official said, “The ushers will be charged with taking whatever measures necessary for weisenheimers to part with their dough. We need cheapskates to pony up the benjis to reduce the huge deficit what we got.” The official added, “Look, we’ll do whatever it takes so we don’t have to raise taxes on billionaires, see. After all, they’re the bosses who make huge political donations for elections, they gots to be protected at all costs, see.”

The U.S. Government is about to become deadbeat nation if it defaults on its loans by not raising the debt ceiling by August 2.

For months, Washington has been gridlocked in finding a bipartisan solution. Today, one was found: the United States of America has applied for a Discover Card.

“When we get the card,” said a Washington insider proudly, “we’ll be able to pay our debts plus earn some cash back. We can spend that money on a new bomber or some corn subsidies. Discover is accepted by most foreign powers, so we should be good for awhile. When we get the bill, we’ll just pay the minimum balance. And if we get in over our head and we’re not able to pay the minimum balance, we’ll apply for a Visa. We’ll be fine.”

Elimination of taxes for super rich and corporations will boost economy, says Rep. Kinklemist

House Representative Willis J. Kinklemist, a Tea Party hardliner from Oklahoma, says his innovative plan will eliminate America’s high unemployment problem while turbo-boosting its anemic economy.

“We need to completely cut taxes for individual earning $1,000,000 or more a year, and eliminate all taxes on corporations. We cannot continue penalizing the people who bring jobs to America and the corporations who hire the American workers to protect their profits.”

Kinklemist believes his plan will have immediate results. “Millionaires will have to hire more Brinks truck drivers to haul around their cash. They’ll need small armies of forklift drivers to handle the crates of cash they’ll hoard. And, it will be a boon for companies that manufacture safes. The economic impact of this trickle down will be powerful. And corporations will also need to hire more accountants to keep track of the offshore factories and expenses building cheap products for Americans to buy. Corporations will also need more lobbyists and lawyers to keep an eye on their skyrocketing profits. The fact of the matter is, taxes are a drain on profits and it’s just not American. If we eliminate all taxes on the rich and corporations and contain it with the lower classes– where it belongs– we could really goose this economy!”

When asked about how lost tax revenue might affect public services like education, roads, environmental protection, healthcare, national defense, social services and others, Rep. Kinklemist testily responded, “Millionaires and corporations don’t need a socialist state if they can enjoy free range capitalism.”