The United States of America learned today that it had been rejected for its Discover Card application. A company spokesman said the country “poses too great a risk,” “has a shaky employment history,” and “is probably more of a Capital One-type of customer.”
While government officials expressed disappointment at the news, they were thankful for the tip about applying for a Capital One credit card. “They give those suckers to absolutely anyone, so we’re golden.”
An official said, “The ushers will be charged with taking whatever measures necessary for weisenheimers to part with their dough. We need cheapskates to pony up the benjis to reduce the huge deficit what we got.” The official added, “Look, we’ll do whatever it takes so we don’t have to raise taxes on billionaires, see. After all, they’re the bosses who make huge political donations for elections, they gots to be protected at all costs, see.”
10 responses to “America Rejected, Ushers To Mobilize”
So what do I do now? Still apply to Discover or just go straight to Cap One? Am I as much of a loser as they are…or are we all just ending up as losers…except for the gang of billionaires !
Apply to become a billionaire. That’s the easiest road to financial independence.
Discover turned us down? Damn! I was counting on the cash back we’d get on purchases.
There’s nothing wrong with a Capital One card. In their commercials, they ask a great question: “What in your wallet?” Well, if there’s nothing in your wallet, why not a Capital One card?
Given that the date of a possible default is approaching as rapidly as a massive meteor from outer space, I like the idea of responsible citizens going door-to-door for cash donations, though we’ll have to come to some sort of resolution about who the responsible citizens will be.
Local politicians? They’ll skim right off the top because that’s what they do, especially in places like, say, Chicago. Church ushers? That concerns me, especially if they’re church ushers in fundamentalist churches because they’re ideologues. IRS agents? Possibly a good choice because it’s been said that they can scare the crap out of a person when they show up at the front door.
Most people will no doubt respond generously to a request for cash. Groceries? Who needs groceries? Even small children will understand the magnitude of the problem and immediately crack open their piggy banks.
It would certainly be nice if we could collect a few bucks from millionaires and billionaires. But let’s be honest. They’ve paid for their mansions in gated communities and penthouses in doorman buildings, so we really shouldn’t disturb them. With all their hard work – you don’t make a million a day just by showing up in the office – they need their rest and relaxation. Could be, too, that they may not even be home. Could be they’re cruising on their yachts or flying to their private islands on their private jets.
If all else fails, we could always go our local banks and ask for a line of credit. We might get the cash. Sure, we might not be able to handle the payments. Big deal. We’re nobodies and we can go bankrupt without people around the world pointing accusatory fingers at us.
Well put, Curvin. I agree, it is concerning that the government is assembling the ‘Usher Army’ to shake down the working class, but I suppose it’s the only thing left to do. We MUST preserve the tax loopholes for the rich at all costs, along with corporate tax breaks. Why should GE have to pay taxes? The notion is outrageous to begin with!
We also must continue giving tax subsidies to oil companies. They need more profits and more armies to protect their interests.
In short, we all MUST serve our overlord, Grover Norquist, who has taught us that ALL taxes are evil and government can’t work–– and has done everything is his power to prove it.
What other choice do we have?
Little known fact…
Grover Norquist was a precocious young boy. One day while watching “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre,” he was mesmerized when he heard the immortal lines, “Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges. I don’t have to show you any stinking badges.”
Enchanted, he quickly scribbled the lines down on a scrap of paper – actually, a federal tax form his father had received in the mail that very day. When his father arrived home that evening, young Grover was punished for making the tax form worthless.
The whipping young Grover got that evening stayed with him. Years later, reviewing the episode and the note he had scribbled on his father’s tax form, the adult Grover, conceived his now-famous “Taxes? We don’t need no stinking taxes!” philosophy.
That Norquist’s quest was formed at such an early age shouldn’t be in the least bit surprising. As Proust said, after all, “It is always during a passing state of mind that we make lasting resolutions.”
“Grover Norquist was a precocious young boy.”
That is THE “Quote of the Month”!
And I must say, having Grover Norquis as our overlord makes life for US so much easier! Who needs elected officials working in a political process based on legislative compromise, dedicated to the ‘better good for all’…where the majority and the minority are respected and heard in proportion. Lets just have that precocious overlord work his prepubescent logic and stomp his feet until he gets his way.
I need a drink.
At last, we understand what makes him tick!
Thanks for the insight and psychological analysis. Perhaps Grover needs another good whipping.
And, yes, Elfox– we all need a drink.
I got a grand total of $4.94 when I went out collecting cash over the weekend. How’d you do? Are we going to be able the cover the deficit or will be have to do something else at the last minute? Maybe Morgan Freeman, who played President of the United States when a giant meteor was plummeting to earth, has some answers.
I only collected $12,908,513.67. It got ugly with some of the people, but they eventually got wise and played ball.
I’m afraid we are going to be short. The meteor that’s a-coming is a guy named Vinnie who wants his loan plus the vig. And he ain’t so nice about it, either.
Whoa is us!