Archive for August, 2011

We're rich, I tellas ya, RICH!!! Spend up, live it up!

A leading economic advisor, Dr. Geoffrey K. Rumdeedumdeedum, has proposed a bold plan he says will goose the economic doldrums the United States economy has been experiencing.

“We need to finally recognize Monopoly money as legal tender,” says the man who describes himself as a distinguished economist from his home behind a dumpster in an alley outside a Papa John’s Pizza in Lexington, Kentucky.

“People are afraid to spend because they don’t know what the economy is going to do. Well, let’s give them the power to enjoy spending again. You shouldn’t have to pass ‘GO’ to enjoy yourself. We have the means– just about every household has a Monopoly game– let’s use it! I think it’s a crackerjack idea and crackerjacks usually have a prize inside which is like getting a Bazooka Joe comic inside a chunk of Bazooka gum and by gum I think something or other is just what we need to do so let’s do it. Now, where was I?”

Government officials have declined comment on the proposal, but irate tea party members say that if it is enacted, they refuse to pay any luxury tax, period.

Lawmakers take a break from their torture of America.

Congressional personnel are exiting Washington quickly to enjoy their long summer vacations. “We’re exhausted,” said one Congressman. “Doing nothing good is awfully tiring work.”

While no politician wanted to be quoted on record, all who spoke with The Lint Screen admitted that they were tuckered-out from grandstanding and being sycophantic servants to their lobbyist overlords and billionaire puppet masters. “I’ve had so many rich meals, my last cholesterol test said I was the equivalent to Béarnaise sauce,” said one distraught senator.

Many of the tea party stooges admitted they were tired from trying to drive the economy into the ground. “Playing chicken little and screaming ‘the sky is falling!’ is really harder than it looks,” said one exhausted freshman congressman. “Being a drama queen is tougher duty than I thought it’d be, yes siree, Bob!”

While The Lint Screen research department was unable to identify exactly who this “Bob” person is, we can say with certainty that with the lawmakers away, the United states of America is safe for the time being.