The debate panel consisted of adorable puppy, Santy Paws, lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, and colorful character, Carl The Chameleon. Because of moderator Dr. Doolittle’s amazing ability “to talk to the animals,” there was no need for translators and all points of view of the candidates were heard loud and clear.
The non-human debate highlights included:
+ Carl The Chameleon said that God asked him to run for the presidency. “But I didn’t hear His voice,” said the small lizard, “I received a text message from Him.”
+ Santy Paws claimed that God talked to him all the time and texted him frequently. He also said that if he was elected president, “All good little boys and girls will get tax breaks and entitlement programs out the wazoo.”
+ Carl The Chameleon said that whatever Santy Paws promises in tax cuts and entitlements, he will double and perhaps even triple them. “Because I think Americans deserve the best and then even better!”
+ Ms. Pickles said that she was a more evolved species than either of her opponents and thus a better choice to lead the nation. “But I do not think evolution should be taught in schools,” she said earnestly. “It is just a cockamamee theory, after all.”
+ Carl The Chameleon said that he is not worried about climate change. “Excruciating tropical heat doesn’t bother me in the least. Feels pretty darn good, actually,” he said.
+ Santy Paws said if elected he would “lick every American’s face with my warm tongue. And it’s a little scratchy so it tickles, people! You’re going to love my licks o’ love!”
+ Carl The Chameleon said he would use his “long tongue of justice” to rid the nation of mosquitos and other pesky flying insects.
+ Ms. Pickles said she would use drones to address the flying insect terrorism problem.
+ Santy Paws said he believed flying insects are evil and should be contained at Guantanamo Bay. He said that he would not give flying insects tax cuts or entitlement benefits.
+ Carl The Chameleon said that Santy Paws was too soft on terrorism and that America needed a cold-blooded leader like him.
+ Santy Paws pivoted toward Carl The Chameleon‘s podium, opened his mouth and quickly snagged the small reptile into it. Santy Paws then ate his opponent with his razor-sharp teeth and said “Who’s soft now?”
+ Ms. Pickles squealed in fright and ran off the stage. Later, the Ms. Pickles campaign staff reported that the primate candidate was requesting Secret Service protection.
After the debate, Dr. Doolittle said that it was an illuminating experience. “I think we got a good feel for where these candidates stand,” he said, “and I think everyone would agree it was much livelier than the human debates we’ve seen thus far.”
10 responses to “Non-Human Debate Ends Tragically”
Perhaps Santy Paws could teach human candidates for political office a thing or two about preemptive debate tactics. No hemming and hawing. Just go for the throat and do a full body takedown. (FYI: I’m not in favor of one candidate eating another candidate. Maybe eating the other candidate’s lunch, so to speak, but that’s the extent of it.)
Yes, it looks like Santy Paws definitely took some debate classes. Ms. Pickles may have to up her ante. Santy Paws seems like he could be a serious contender for the throne.
If I belonged to the animal kingdom – if, say, I were a lion, a tiger, a cheetah, an elephant, a giraffe, a gorilla, an alligator or the like – I’d be appalled that only two cute critters are running for office.
What does that say about the animal kingdom? Is it bored and complacent, sure that the key issues of the day – perhaps global warming at the polar ice caps, in jungles and out on the savannah – will be resolved by the efforts of human candidates?
Well, what have humans done so far? Diddley squat, that’s what. Listen to the eight Repuglicans during their debates. They either claim that the scientific facts about global warming are wrong or misguided. Some even deny its existence.
Next time the Repuglicans debate or there’s a Tea Party rally, I hope a group of angry polar bears show up to bear witness (no pun intended) to their rapidly melting home. They can carry placards: “We’re living on thin ice!”, “Save our ice… or we’ll come raid your refrigerator!”, etc., etc. (Roaring and growling permitted in order to get attention.)
Question: Are Santy Paws and Ms. Pickles selling stuffed replicas of themselves? As a way to build name recognition, not to mention build or improve their brand images, it’d be better than bumper stickers. Also, it’s Christmas time. Children all across America would surely love to find their favorite candidate under the tree on Christmas morning.
Curvin, I applaud your courage in calling out the animal kingdom on this important subject. I am also shocked and awed that more critters have not entered the race. Is this insecurity, a lack of ideas, apathy, ignorance or simply a protest against helping people?
I don’t know, but it is disappointing.
Fortunately, we do have an adorable puppy and a lovable monkey in the race willing to help the human race.
Will there be stuffed toys of these candidates? I certainly hope so. I cannot imagine how a child might feel to awaken Christmas morning to unwrap a stuffed Rick or Newt or Michelle. Better to hit the kiddie upside the head with a lump of coal.
Sad as this is for Carl, in the long run I think it is better that he is not on the ballot against Newt. Here in Texas I’m afraid there are voters who would not have know the difference between the two lizards. Of course they are quite happy to elect one, we have had Perry as governor forever.
Good point, Sandy, and thanks for the political perspective from the Lone Star State.
Since Mr. Tuggles is out, I’m really not watching all that closely. If you’ve seen one non-kitty species, you’ve seen them all, I say. We tried to warn you about that damned devil dog. Now people are talking about the world ending next year.
I blame the dog. So do the Mayans.
Could Santy Paws be the descendant of a Mayan dog?
Is this a sign of the end?
Whoa, nellie…
Santy Paws was my favorite until last night. I stepped in something in my front yard and tracked it into the house. I’ll be anti-dog for a while. Santy’s yard sign is in the trash.
Whoa– Santy may have to clean up his act if he expects to get elected.
Thanks, Bill, for that scoop. Suggest you scoop the rest of his remains…