The Lint Screen

A new political firestorm is sweeping the nation as the campaign for lovable money, Ms. Pickles, accused competing candidate, adorable puppy, Santy Paws, of urinating on a fire hydrant in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

“It is absolutely outrageous that a creature capable of such a disgusting, despicable act is seeking the highest office in the land,” said a visibly upset Dan Gruthers, campaign manager for Ms. Pickles. “We’ve seen this candidate eat a competitor at a debate, now we’re witness to his brazen acts of bodily functions against our sainted firefighters–– it is an affront to the American way of civilized life! We cannot live in a country where our leaders leave liquid reminders of where they’ve been.”

“Tell the Pickles people to get their panties unknotted,” said Santy Paws campaign manager, Sam Merchant. “These claims are completely baseless and are obviously the attempt of a frightened competitor to bloody the nose of a far superior fighter. Santy Paws categorically denies ever having known or visited the fire hydrant in question. Now see here, if Pickles wants to play hard ball, we’ll play hard ball with that lice-ridden little ape. We ain’t saying bupkis on this matter no more!”