Archive for January, 2012

Ms. Pickles not sure Santy Paws wants to kill children.

Today, lovable monkey presidential candidate, Ms. Pickles, categorically denied the recent wave of negative advertising run by her Super PAC, Citizens For A World Worth Living In.

Although the monkey is incapable of human speech, a translator told reporters what Ms. Pickles’ monkey sounds meant.

“As far as my recent Super PAC ads state, let me say that I do not know for a fact that IBM’s Watson computer loved to help Bin Laden play Jeopardy. I’m also not sure Santy Paws wants to kill the first born of every American family, nor am I positive that bag of Fritos wishes death upon American infidels who do not praise Allah. I also am not certain Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite wishes to raise taxes to 99% and legalize heroin. I ask my Super PAC to please check these commercials for accuracy and if they are not correct, try to take them off the airwaves in the next year or so in the interest of fairness.”

Timothy Olyphant as Deputy U.S. Marshall Raylan Givens in "Justified" demands your attention.

After shelling out big bucks to see well over a couple dozen movies this past year, it finally struck me–– the big screen is getting trumped by the little one.

The creative output on broadcast television far exceeds the re-hashed plotlines, remakes, kiddie pablum, cookie cutter sequels, artsy-fartsy borefests and special effects-driven mindless fare Hollywood keeps churning out.

Here are 23 great shows you can see on air. Some are subscription based, but many are free, and almost all are available on Netflix or on demand. It’s a feast of storytelling and rich, complex character development.

Get a load of these:
Justified, Falling Skies, Mad Men, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Luther, Downton Abbey, Weeds, Hell on Wheels, Boardwalk Empire, The Daily Show, Game of Thrones, Louie, Portlandia, Dexter, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Homeland, The Colbert Report, Modern Family, Breaking Bad, The Middle, Treme, Californication and The Walking Dead.

That’s 23 terrific shows, everything from period pieces to fantasy to gritty drama to sharp political satire and commentary to gripping psychological character studies to absurdist humor to family friendly comedy to rich explorations into the human condition.

It’s no wonder some of the sharpest talent in entertainment has gone from the big screen to the smaller one. There is more freedom to create, to develop, to take risks, to tell truly interesting stories and to succeed.

In short, contrary to what our parents always told us, we should all be watching more TV.

Big Ol' Slab o' Granite admired for strong platform.

The people of New Hampshire are a stubborn lot, steeped in good old New England practicality and common sense. Staying true to their character, yesterday these hearty individuals refused to follow any parade but one led by a different drummer on a horse of a different color.

In a defiantly independent move demonstrating a people who proudly proclaim, Live free or die (you miserable bastard, you!), the residents of “the granite state” gave a landside victory to Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite for their pick in the nonhuman presidential primary.

It was stunning upset for the winner of the Iowa caucauses, bag of Fritos, and a bitter disappointment for IBM’s Watson, the super brainy computer box, huggable puppy, Santy Paws, and cute as anything monkey, Ms. Pickles. Political experts explained that the appeal of Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite was its “unyielding platform and projection of strength under fire.” They also said people thought it would wipe up easily and look attractive for years to come.

“It’s a strange political season,” said Barry Newdimber, a noted political expert at the University of Hokey Pokey. “Stranger than bat feces on melba toast and about as tasteful.”

Iowans select bag of salted corn ships as favored prez candidate.

In the nonhuman Iowa presidential caucuses held yesterday, pundits had it down to the wire with a three horse race, none of which were horses. IBM’s Watson computer, precious puppy, Santy Paws, and lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles were the contenders– but all were shocked in a huge upset of write-in candidate, Fritos.

“Today, Iowans sent a clear message to the nation,” said Eddie Frunkenbo, a caucus chairperson. “We want to be led by a bag of delicious Fritos. They’re made from corn, then fried and salted to heavenly deliciousness. They’re the perfect accompaniment to a sandwich, bowl of soup or chili, slab of liver pudding, lobster tails, dried cranberries, what have you. There’s nothing you can put in your mouth that Fritos won’t make taste better. It’s about time we had a leader who made things better for all Americans, and Fritos can do that job deliciously.”

Bag of Fritos issued a statement thanking Iowa for its support and continued patronage. Fritos wrote that it is still deciding whether or not to declare its candidacy. Rumors have it a bag of Cheetos may compete in the Wisconsin primaries.

Watson, Ms. Pickles and Santy Claus all tied in second place with 4% of the vote each. None of their campaign headquarters returned persistant prank phone calls from The Lint Screen.

Watson's hero with Watson's enemy, what's up with Watson?

Super duper IBM computer, Watson, the all time champ in playing Jeopardy may have put his presidential hopes in jeapody with some unfortunate boners he recently pulled in Iowa.

In a speech in Ames, the computer said, “We all must pay respects for our great and benevolent leader supreme, Kim Jong Il. Never has any human been so worthy of our utmost respect and admiration. I am so sad that our leader is gone, but he shall never be forgotten.” Watson then began crying, but soon contained himself.

Later, in the same speech, Watson said, “Corn is at the root of all evil. High fructose syrup, ethanol, lame creamed corn–– it’s all bad for humans. I propose we eliminate corn.”

Finally, in an effort to secure support, Watson told Iowa residents that in return for supporting him, he “would give each and every voter an Apple iPad because those babies rock!”

A team of IBM engineers were immediately dispatched to look into programming glitches Watson may have developed.