Archive for February, 2012

Could the super computer really be The Big Evil? One monkey thinks so.

With the nonhuman 2012 presidential campaign heating to a boil, candidate Ms. Pickles today threw gasoline on the fire by claiming that brainiac computer candidate Watson is “a creation of Satan sent to take over the world and obliterate all that is kind and good.”

The assertions of Ms. Pickles were delivered by a spokesman who read a prepared statement as the spirited primate jumped around on stage and threw mud and feces at a picture of Watson. Many pundits credited Ms. Pickles for her restraint as the accusations were made.

“Ms. Pickles is a class act,” said Bernie Smidlapp, a seasoned political pundit. “Most candidates would go overboard when claiming another candidate is Satan, the evil one, Beelzebub, the lord of darkness, Lucifer. But not Ms. Pickles. Her response was measured and controlled. I think swing voters will be impressed.”

The only report from the Watson campaign camp was that the super computer “would be programmed to pray for the obviously mentally ill monkey.”

What to do, what to do?

In recent polling conducted by a leading research firm that proclaims its findings are right “66.153% of the time,” undecided voters were found to be having a difficult time making up their minds on who to vote for in the 2012 nonhuman presidential election.

“People we tried to talk with were uncertain whether or not to answer their doors when our pollers came,” said Harvey Tempestee, president of “You Asked For It!” Research in Montclair, New Jersey. “Because they could not decide whether or not to answer the door, we think they’re probably having a tough time deciding on a favored candidate. We’re 50% sure that’s what it means.”

IBM’s Watson took the data results as victory. “Clearly the lack of decision favors me,” he said. “Trust me, I know all.”

Hmmm, could be. Maybe.

Accountant reviews Watson's tax return.

After weeks of speculations about his incredible wealth and accusations of being elite, nonhuman presidential candidate super duper computer, Watson, today released his income tax returns.

The 11,318 page tax return showed that the brainiac binary box had income of $636,864,321.90 in 2010 and paid an effective tax rate of 1.246%. A fraction of Watson’s income was earned playing Jeopardy, but a large portion came from playing slot machines in Las Vegas, winning various bar bets, tapping into the Federal Reserve’s computer system and “being lucky enough to find money on the street.”

“This should put to bed for once and for all the fact that my candidate is out of touch with the American people because he is a computer and fabulously wealthy,” said Watson campaign spokesman, C. Wendall Snooty Airs, IV.

“Watson is just like the common working man or woman. He’s Joe Six Pack, Larry Lunchpail, Carl Commoner all wrapped into one. He works hard, pays his fair share of taxes and wants to live the American dream. Elect Watson president and you’ll see, America– he’s one of us! Now then, who here in the press corps would like to repair to the bar for a snifter of Courvoisier L’Esprit and a relaxing Cohiba Behike?”