Month: March 2012

  • Pollywog, Stilts & Salt Water Taffy Trust Fund Money To Enter Political Fray

    When it was announced recently that Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservatives behind ALLIED ACME Industries, were deciding on which nonhuman presidential candidate to back with their Super PAC, another power group surfaced with its own Super PAC ideas. The Turley Sisters of Tulsa, Oklahoma, who are listed in the nation’s top 100…

  • Money Floodgates Ready To Bust

    The Supreme Court’s “Citizens United” ruling treated corporations, unions and nonprofits as humans, giving them political voice through the formation of Super PACS to spend money on political advertising. A flood of Super PAC money is about to wash into the nonhuman presidential campaign, The Lint Screen has learned today in the back corner of…

  • Pickles Accuses Paws of Genocide

    Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey candidate in the nonhuman presidential race, has come out with a vicious attack against one of her opponents, precious puppy, Santy Paws. A spokesman for the Pickles campaign, C. Hurley Everett Mungswallow, IV, told reporters, “Ms. Pickles is outraged and deeply disappointed that Santy Paws, allegedly ‘man’s best friend,’ wants…

  • Santy Paws Promises to “Fix” Americans

    Recently, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire nonhuman presidential primary, came out with a stern social plan proposing a sex registry for human beings. Now, an opposing candidate, a precious puppy named Santy Paws, is going him one better by proposing to get all Americans “fixed” so they do not…

  • Fritos Pledges To Nuke Iran

    The winner of the Iowa caucuses in the nonhuman presidential campaign is out to prove he’s no softy when it comes to foreign policy. Bag of Fritos released a statement today promising to “blow Iran to hell and back with nuclear bombs” if it is elected president. “My diplomacy is do as I say or…

  • Granite Promises Sex Registry

    With the nonhuman presidential campaign in full swing, candidates are vying for votes wherever they can be found. And the winner of the New Hampshire primary, Big ol’ Slab o’ Granite is making a play for those who believe the moral fabric of America has become unraveled. In a statement issued today, Granite promised that…