The Supreme Court’s “Citizens United” ruling treated corporations, unions and nonprofits as humans, giving them political voice through the formation of Super PACS to spend money on political advertising. A flood of Super PAC money is about to wash into the nonhuman presidential campaign, The Lint Screen has learned today in the back corner of a dingy bar reeking of stale beer and aged vomit.
“Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservative couple who own ALLIED ACME Industries, are reviewing all the nonhuman candidates to determine who they want to back with their Super PAC, ‘Citizens For A Decent, Celibate And Righteously Moral Future’,” said an industry insider in conspiratorial whispers. “They are sitting on a ton of cash and they have deep pockets to make anyone win.”
The industry insider excused himself to go to the bathroom and The Lint Screen reporter upheld the high journalistic tradition of slipping out the front door before the bar bill arrived.
16 responses to “Money Floodgates Ready To Bust”
I hear they had an early corner on the fringe market. Some say Cylde liked the way it sorta rubbed up against him, unlike righteous Rebecca.
Fringes are the devil’s tools. I suspect Clyde is merely testing his fortitude.
At least I hope he’s not some sort of “fringe freak” deviate!
With the minimum standards implicit in the name of the Hundsinger’s Super PAC, “Citizens For A Decent, Celibate And Righteously Moral Future,” I’ve got a feeling that their money won’t fly out the door all that quickly.
Imagine being a bright, telegenic, modern nonhuman or human candidate faced with the task of sitting in their kitchen to discuss the issues of the day.
Would they understand the jibber jabbers, barks, squeaks, meows, chirps, etc. of nonhuman candidates?
And would the words that human candidates use cut it with the Hundsingers? Would the piety of a candidate’s religious beliefs come through and would it be accepted? Would the candidate’s feeble admissions of human frailty (lust in at least one case, power in all cases) square with the Hundsinger’s worldview? Would the beady, suspicious eyes of the Hundsingers, especially Rebecca’s, see through the stump speech pitches candidates use to explain their policy beliefs?
Yep. The money’s safe. No nonhuman or human will get it.
Curvin, I agree the Hudsingers do not look like people who will part with a buck easily, but I think they will gladly fork over whatever funds it takes to get the right RIGHT candidate into the oval office.
No candidate may fully fit the bill, but the Hudsingers will surely foot the bill to buy themselves a puppet mouthpiece for their moralistic views.
If the Hundsingers/Hudsingers are looking for a good spokesweasel for their preferred right RIGHT candidate, you’d be doing them and me a big favor by bringing up my name. For one thing, I’ve recently grown a beard similar to the one Clyde has in the photo. So they’d feel comfortable meeting me. Moreover, I’ve adopted a sourpuss expression almost as dour as Rebecca’s. Believe me, it takes a lot of practice to look that glum 24/7. My clothing is more modern that the things they’re wearing in the photo, but I’m sure I could find a few things from the late 19th century at my local Salvation Army store. Unless, that is, there’s been a recent run on fashions from that era. What would my services cost? Not much. Not much at all. All I need is a cashier’s check somewhere in the high five figures, plus out-of-pocket expenses, e.g., horse and buggy, etc. As for what I’d say on behalf of the right RIGHT candidate, all I’d need is a script listing everything they’d like to hear on the campaign trail.
You would have to run against the other human candidates, and they all have their sugar daddies and mamas lined up. If the Hudsingers are ready to play with the big dogs, they may take you on as their spokesweasel.
I have a slogan you may wish to consider:
“O’RIELLY?
O’REALLY!!!!”
Note the use of four exclamation points. Ordinary copy monkeys would stop at one or three, but I go for the glory!
Four exclamation points? That’s the difference between us. I would have stopped at three.
I used to stop at three, but then I found a way to make my exclamation REALLY make a point: four!!!!
Wow, that last guy with the funny looking picture really makes a strong point. I just think he’s one of those climb-up-on-the-table-and-give-a-“don’t give up!”-speech (how’s that for advanced grammer?!) guys.
For those keeping score at home, that was: nine hyphens, a quote, an parenthesis, and a “?!” thing.
Take THAT four exclamation points!!!!!
Mind yourself, lest I unleash the semicolon and long dash.
But I do admire your punctuation mastery, Mike. Nice work!!!!!
(Yes, that was five!!!!!!)
Where I come from, you have to pay for exclamation points, so I limit myself to just three. If you guys are going to up the ante, I’ll have to check my stack of chips and see if I can stay in the game.
Just three!!!
I admire your self control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I might need help…
(OMG, do I also have an elipse problem?!!!)
Your excess punctuation bill will arrive in the mail unless you’d prefer to have it charged to a major credit card. Send me your account number, expiration date and three-digit number on the back of your card. I’ll take care of everything. If you’d like, I can set up an account for automatic deductions so you won’t have to worry about punctuation charges in the future.
Just three exclamation points, Curvin!!!
I admire your self control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whoa, I think I might need help…
(OMG, do I also have an elipse problem?!!!)
Poor Rebecca. “He’s sitting and I’m standing. What’s up with that?”
Bill, she stands for she sins. He no doubt also sins, but perhaps sitting hides his shame.
I am disgusted by both!