Archive for April, 2012

Could Big Ol' Slab O' Granite go to work in Georgia?

The nonhuman presidential race is shaking with the announcement that Big Ol’ Slab O’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire primary, may be thinking about dropping out of the race in the next week or two.

“Granite is contemplating maybe thinking about the possibility of perhaps dropping out of the race maybe some time in the near future or so,” said a spokesman on the condition of anonymity. “Granite had a sweet sugar daddy backer who was pumping-up his war chest, but it has been informed that the money well is drying up. If Granite does drop out of the race, it would like to see it he could go to work on Stone Mountain, Georgia, or perhaps do some kitchen countertops. Worse case scenario, maybe it would do bathroom countertops, although Granite has always tended to have bigger plans for its future. We’ll have to wait and see.”

Unfortunately, not enough nyuks for your bucks.

All right, I did it. I ponied-up the do re mi and went to see “The Three Stooges” movie written and directed by Bobby and Peter Farrelly. And… drumroll please… it was a disappointment.

Oh, I don’t blame the actors. Sean Hayes, Chris Diamantopoulos and Will Sasso are fine as the Stooges. Credible enough in looks and taking hammers to noggins, fingers to eyes and fists to guts. You also get Larry David and Jane Lynch playing nuns in full habits, plus Sofía Vergara playing a sexy bombshell (she’s a method actor). Yeah, there’s a lot of talent on the screen but it’s wasted on a weak script and direction.

The Farrelly brothers failed. These guys are uneven. They’ve made sophomoric classics like “Dumb and Dumber”, “There’s Something About Mary” and “Kingpin” (maybe the best Amish bowling movie ever made), and they’ve made “meh” films like “Shallow Hal”, “Fever Pitch” and “Hall Pass”. I propose a brother exchange program. We swap a Coen Brother for a Farrelly brother and see what happens.

Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Your best sophomoric movie dollar is spent on “21 Jump Street” which delivers some good gags and laughs.

If salty snack elected, your U.S. currency becomes toast!

In a bold political move, nonhuman presidential candidate, Bag o’ Fritos, has promised to end “the nanny state of government forcing a dependency on paper.”

Hank Wentrom, the popular salty snack’s campaign spokesman, delivered a prepared statement to members of the press in which Fritos proclaimed, “Too many humans have become slaves to the almighty dollar. It drives humans to distraction. It is a perfect example of the government’s nanny state, forcing itself and its scraps of paper with its name on them into all transactions of human interaction. My first order as president will be to have a big bonfire and burn all U.S. currency. This symbol of liberation will illuminate our freedom from the tyranny of governmental monetary dependency!”

When asked how the economy would operate without a monetary system, Wentrom stormed off the stage in what some described as “a huff” and others as “an angry tizzy.”

Her aim is true, unfortunately the film misses big time

Rarely do movie versions of books live up to their print source material. The Hunger Games movie is a huge disappointment compared to the book.

Suzanne Collins wrote the bestseller book and co-wrote the screenplay for the blockbuster movie. She is to be hailed for the former and partially blamed for the latter. If you did not read the book, don’t bother with the movie. You will be confused and wonder what all the hoopla’s about.

If you read the book, do not see the movie. You will be disappointed.

The book is such a wonderful page-turner, it practically reads itself. The movie somehow makes the same story dull, which is a damn shame because Jennifer Lawrence is so good.

I blame the screenplay and the director. What should have been an incredible cinema experience is pedestrian and feels cheap. It lacks pace, pathos, excitement.

Read the book. Maybe some day Hollywood make a picture worthy of the pages, but for now, save your money.

"Hello, citizen, let's get to know you better!"

The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates.

“I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”

“We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans.

“I just like seeing naked people,” said bag of Fritos.

“I’ve got a development deal with Fox for a reality series of cops conducting strip searches,” said Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite. “It’s going to do huge ratings.”

And Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey, says that she’d like to strip search the Supreme Court. “What are they hiding beneath those big black robes? Could be anything. Let’s see justice served and have a thorough look-see!”