The best and brightest, the hangers-ons, and the squeak-on-bys are being sent forth unto this world to make their marks. I recently gave the commencement address to the graduating class of Eternal Optimists University. Here is the transcript of my inspirational talk.
Today it is my honor to address this graduating class. I look out and see the expectant, eager faces of tomorrow’s progress. The generation who will leave their marks on the world, like a coyote marking his territory with urine.
And I feel pride. Pride in your ignorance of the great Mayan calendar predicting our end of days later this year.
Word to the wise, pass on buying a 2013 day planner. And don’t join any organization ending with the words “… of the month club.”
But do not be sad, grads. You should be happy. Happy that because the world is ending, you will not have to pay back your student loans– which average $24,000 for a typical graduate.
You should also feel joy. Joy that there is no need to sweat over an impossibly improbable job hunt. The employment outlook is bleak. Chances are, you would find bupkis and head into grad school for protection– only to amass more student debt.
Speaking of debt, be glad that you also won’t have to foot the bill for our nation’s debt, which of of today amounts to 50,253.21 for each and every one of you.
You also won’t have to pay off your credit card debt, which is well over $1,000 for the average American. And I suspect many of you are well above average.
Look, I don’t mean to be a buzz kill here, because I think the message is pretty clear– since we’re going out anyway, let’s go out with a bang. Let’s make the Class of 2012 a class to remember, even if our memories will be short lived thanks to our evil Mayan overlords.
So my suggestion to you, dear graduates, is live it up with what precious little life you have left.
Charge those credit cards to the max. Live with reckless abandon. Upgrade to an unlimited Netflix account.
Make your last days count. Get out of those silly robes and square hats. Put on some cargo shorts, tank tops and flip flops. Take a road trip. Enjoy your short lives to their fullest.
And if, by chance, the Mayans were wrong, well, best of luck. Thank you.
Um, who do I talk with to get my parking validated?