Archive for May, 2012

Pickles says Big Ol' Slab o' Granite has big plans for American electorate.

The nonhuman presidential race has turned ugly as lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, has taken to the airwaves to slam a key opponent.

Witness this recent spot that aired in swing states:

OPEN ON VIDEO OF HUMAN REMAINS FOLLOWING EARTHQUAKES. OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS, A DRAMATIC VOICEOVER IS HEARD.

ANNCR: Why does Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite want to be president? Could it be it wants to fall on you and your family and crush you all to painful death? Why would Granite want to kill innocent God-loving Americans? The answer is simple.

CUT TO SCENES OF GRAVE MARKERS IN A CEMETERY.

Granite is used to make grave markers.

CUT TO SCENE OF CRYING LITTLE BOY AND GIRL AT A GRAVE MARKER. FREEZE FRAME ON THEIR TEARY FACES.

Don’t let Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite know your name. Vote for life. Vote for Ms. Pickles.

CUT TO VIDEO OF MS. PICKLES WEARING A PINK BOW ON HER HEAD. SHE SQUAWKS.

SUPER: “I’m Ms. Pickles and I approved this ad.”

FADE TO BLACK.

Pundits wonder if this hard hitting commercial may give Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite motivation to finally withdraw from the race.

The best and brightest, the hangers-ons, and the squeak-on-bys are being sent forth unto this world to make their marks. I recently gave the commencement address to the graduating class of Eternal Optimists University. Here is the transcript of my inspirational talk.

Today it is my honor to address this graduating class. I look out and see the expectant, eager faces of tomorrow’s progress. The generation who will leave their marks on the world, like a coyote marking his territory with urine.

And I feel pride. Pride in your ignorance of the great Mayan calendar predicting our end of days later this year.

Word to the wise, pass on buying a 2013 day planner. And don’t join any organization ending with the words “… of the month club.”

But do not be sad, grads. You should be happy. Happy that because the world is ending, you will not have to pay back your student loans– which average $24,000 for a typical graduate.

You should also feel joy. Joy that there is no need to sweat over an impossibly improbable job hunt. The employment outlook is bleak. Chances are, you would find bupkis and head into grad school for protection– only to amass more student debt.

Speaking of debt, be glad that you also won’t have to foot the bill for our nation’s debt, which of of today amounts to 50,253.21 for each and every one of you.

You also won’t have to pay off your credit card debt, which is well over $1,000 for the average American. And I suspect many of you are well above average.

Look, I don’t mean to be a buzz kill here, because I think the message is pretty clear– since we’re going out anyway, let’s go out with a bang. Let’s make the Class of 2012 a class to remember, even if our memories will be short lived thanks to our evil Mayan overlords.

So my suggestion to you, dear graduates, is live it up with what precious little life you have left.

Charge those credit cards to the max. Live with reckless abandon. Upgrade to an unlimited Netflix account.

Make your last days count. Get out of those silly robes and square hats. Put on some cargo shorts, tank tops and flip flops. Take a road trip. Enjoy your short lives to their fullest.

And if, by chance, the Mayans were wrong, well, best of luck. Thank you.

Um, who do I talk with to get my parking validated?

Deviled eggs tortured the evil maniac, Osama bin Laden. Good!

The Lint Screen has received more details about the contents of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary discovered in the raid on his pad last year, including the following startling entries:

– “Am sick and tired of all my friends sending me requests on Facebook to join Farmville. Why would I care to tend crops? Has the world gone nuts?”

– “Wanted to order some chinos from J. Crew, but for the life of me couldn’t recall my inseam size. Is this what growing older is all about, forgetting everything?”

– “Can’t recall the name of wife #4. Will just call her ‘snoogums’ and be done with it. Cursed, stupid, wretchedly useless brain!”

– “Constipated. Again. Deviled eggs and goat casserole do not agree with me.”

– “My porn collection feels far too familiar. Need variety. Amish?”

– “If it ever snows, I swear I’m making angel wings, then people will see I’m not such a bad guy.”

– “I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable, lonely and fat.”

– “Diary, you are only one who understands me. Maybe I should capture Dr. Phil.”

Diary proves bin Laden contemplated a surprising career change in later years.

The Lint Screen has received a copy of Osama bin Laden’s secret diary captured in the raid by Navy SEALs on his compound May 2, 2011. The unannounced visit resulted in bin Laden’s nagging painful death.

The details of the diary are surprising. The diary, measuring 4″ x 6″ has a shiny illustrated cover depicting unicorns and large doe-eyed children holding bunches of colorful balloons. bin Laden wrote in block letters at the bottom of the cover “KEEP OUT, THIS MEANS YOU!

Some nuggets contained within include the following:
– “I feel fat. I look at my blubber butt in the mirror and just want to cry. I’m such a pig and I hate swine. I get so bummed, I eat another pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I feel better. Chunky Monkey make Osammy happy!”

– “Love those reruns of Andy of Mayberry. Otis the drunk cracks me up. Aunt Bea is kind of hot, too. And that Barney, he is something else! He’s smarter than Goober but not as sweet as Gomer. How I’d love to have terrorized that small town!”

– “Saw a spot for that Gillette Mach 3 razor. I may just chop this Brillo pad off my face. No, no I won’t. I have a weak chin and horrible acne scars. I am shamed, I am shamed.”

– “How I hate QVC. This place is filled with useless crap I’ve bought. How many chip and dip sets does one man need anyway?!”

– “I wish I were more like Horatio on “CSI: Miami”– I should get some shades. Maybe they have them for sale on QVC.”

– “Come on Weather Channel. Give me my ‘Local on The 8’s!’ Oh, here we are. Going to be hot as hell, again…”

More details will be released at a later date.