Archive for June, 2012

Not even the charismatic JFK could subdue LBJ’s white hot hatred of werewolves!

The new movie LBJ: Werewolf Killer opened this past weekend with an astounding $1.2 billion in worldwide ticket sales. The movie is based on Robert Caro’s 2008 bestseller Ascent to Hairy & Vicious Fangs of Death!

While I thought the film was very good, I did question the casting of Peter Dinklage as LBJ. He appeared to have some trouble with the Texas accent to me.

The film accurately depicts the struggles Johnson faced with both the Viet Nam war and the invasion of an army of werewolves every full moon. Yet, somehow, LBJ kicked some werewolf ass and kept our country safe.

Charlize Theron was a particularly inspired choice in the role of Lady Bird Johnson. One of the highlights of the film is her impassioned speech to her husband and a full session of Congress admonishing the littering of dead werewolves across the nation. This famous speech became the bedrock for her ‘beautify America’ campaign. Ben Kingsley turns in one of the strongest performances of his distinguished career as Hellcat Hairy, the leader of the werewolves who had the iconic catchphrase, “Let’s eat some faces, wolvies, me hungie!”

All in all, a good flick that ranks right up there with other prez bio classic like James C. Polk: Zombie Slayer and U.S. Grant: Ghost Whacker. Catch this flick now!

Presidential hopeful tragically gobbled to death. A nation mourns, hungrily.

Tragedy struck the nonhuman presidential campaign today as the winner of the Iowa primaries, Bag o’ Fritos, was eaten to death.

The salty snack was scheduled to give a speech in Akron, Ohio, when a young man rushed the stage, ripped open the candidate’s skin and quickly ate his deliciously addictive innerds. The assasin was immediately taken into custody by local authorities as Bag o’ Fritos’ Secret Service detail was M.I.A. Missing in sexy, sexy action! Anonymous sources reported that the Secret Service was interviewing local prostitutes behind closed doors.

“The agents seriously believe that ladies of the evening are always potential death threats, and since it’s their sworn duty to take one in the line of duty, they do whatever they have to do. It’s all about protection, and for safety’s sake, they usually use protection,” said the anonymous source as he thumbed his monogrammed shirt sleeve reading RLW (short for Robert Lawrence Worlythorten, III, of 612 West Market Street in Akron).

The young suspect who greedily ate Bag o’ Fritos was not identified, but local law enforcement authorities read the following prepared statement: “The dude was apparently whacked out on the goof with a major case of the munchies and he seriously needed some snackin’, so when he saw Bag o’ Fritos, he just like totally freaked and attacked. The Dude said he’s like seriously sorry but that the ex-candidate was the absolute winner of the race for total deliciousness.”

With Bag o’ Fritos eliminated and Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite recently withdrawing, the nonhuman presidential race is tightening. Stay tuned to The Lint Screen for all your in-depth reporting. It kind of what we do, what with our being serious journalists who sit at the Underwood with a lit Pall Mall danglin’ from our lips and half-eaten hamburger steak sandwich at our ink-stained elbows.

Granite to exit politics to pursue career in commercial direction.

As expected, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the New Hampshire primary winner in the nonhuman presidential race, has announced that it is withdrawing from consideration. The candidate announced weeks ago that it was considering thinking about maybe possibly withdrawing from the race. Granite was also recently the target of a savage attack ad created by the campaign for Ms. Pickles, a lovable monkey with very sharp teeth and a vicious competitive streak.

In its statement, Granite said, “I believe the time has come to pursue my true purpose in life– directing TV commercials. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. Well, that, or driving a horse carriage through central park. Or, working the counter of a high end soda fountain. It’s time for me to wake up from my presidential dreams, rinse away the morning breath and get on with my life. I think this commercial directing thing is just the ticket, there appears to be a severe shortage of them out there.”

No response was given by the Ms. Pickles political camp, but cackle barks, howls and screeches of joy were heard from behind closed doors.