Granite to exit politics to pursue career in commercial direction.

As expected, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the New Hampshire primary winner in the nonhuman presidential race, has announced that it is withdrawing from consideration. The candidate announced weeks ago that it was considering thinking about maybe possibly withdrawing from the race. Granite was also recently the target of a savage attack ad created by the campaign for Ms. Pickles, a lovable monkey with very sharp teeth and a vicious competitive streak.

In its statement, Granite said, “I believe the time has come to pursue my true purpose in life– directing TV commercials. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. Well, that, or driving a horse carriage through central park. Or, working the counter of a high end soda fountain. It’s time for me to wake up from my presidential dreams, rinse away the morning breath and get on with my life. I think this commercial directing thing is just the ticket, there appears to be a severe shortage of them out there.”

No response was given by the Ms. Pickles political camp, but cackle barks, howls and screeches of joy were heard from behind closed doors.