Archive for July, 2012

Embarrassment, shame and humiliation were back in the saddle again in ’72 Games

As The Games of The XXX Olympiad get underway in the London, The Lint Screen is proud to present a gold medal-worthy dose of Olympic Games trivia.

The Olympics were invented by Thomas Edison in 1892 as a way for his company, General Electric, to sell advertising time on its broadcast network called NBC. The first major sponsor was Dr. Genuflect’s Amazing Consumption, Diphtheria & Poliomyelitis Elixir. The company ran commercials with the famous slogan, “Take a spoonful or die.”

The 1896 Olympics ended tragically when all the athletes died of consumption.

In 1904, The Olympic Games were held in Rochester, New York. Jimmy “Legs” Killonry set a new world’s record running the first twelve minute mile. It is reported the crowd watching him had windburned faces after he passed by them.

Water was added to the 1912 Olympic Games held in Munich. Swimming events finally began to gain some popularity.

The 1924 Games held in Moscow are remember for the irresistible aroma of borscht that filled the air and a debilitating sense of gloom and dread that gripped all who attended.

History will never forget the 1936 Olympic Games held in Mexico City. Runner Jesse Owens from the U.S. beat Germany’s Adolf Hitler in all four races in which they competed. “He cheated,” claimed an enraged Hitler after the event. “He had more wind at his back and the ground was moving faster under his feet,” said a disgruntled Hitler as he kicked a brass spittoon across the floor and pouted. Many speculate this humiliating defeat led to WW II.

The 1960 Olympics held in Toronto are best remembered for its souvenirs. They were really cool with all kinds of pottery, cutlery and thimbles. Also, 12,432 new world records were set by an athlete from Mars named XOPLOWRQ ZAMBORDUK.

In 1972, embarrassment, shame and humiliation reigned o’er Chauncey Worthingshire IV when his Dressage gold medal was stripped upon the discovery that his horse was actually two men in a horse costume. “I thought I smelled cigar smoke,” the humiliated rider said. Both men within the suit smoked Cohibas. According to official Olympic rules, the men were taken to the glue factory and slaughtered.

The 1984 games were held in Toronto and are best remembered for Irishman Egor Rasmonovich, who pole vaulted a pretty incredible 236′ 4″, a record that still stands.

In 1992, the Games were held in Fiji. The athletes unanimously voted not to compete and “to chill” instead. Although world peace was achieved for 16 days, these Games had some of the lowest TV viewership in history.

The 1997 Olympic Games introduced Donkey Kong as an event. The U.S.A. dominated the competition. Suck it, rest of world!

Chimbote, Peru’s 2004 Olympic Games saw the unbelievable act of gold medalist Yancy Hububabba from Sweden as he won the 200 metre freestyle swimming event without using his arms or legs. These Games also are remembered for the delicious corn dogs, candy apples, carmel corn and funnel cakes served.

In 2008, the Olympics were held in China. All athletes were outsourced to China to save money. Amazingly, China only won one gold, one silver and three bronze medals, all made in China.

Now you know. Astound your friends, challenge your enemies– you are truly an Olympics Trivia Gold Medalist!

He made us a playground but the bullies are taking over.

Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook is soon expected to have one billion members. But I think I see the problem with the whole social network thing. It’s people.

The power of social networking is connecting with people. It’s a wonderful way to share your life with others and re-kindle relationships. The problem is that some people also believe the social network is a political tool to broadcast their points of view and beliefs.

Facebook is like a playground where we children play, but more and more I’m seeing political bullies on the playground. Or religious bullies. Or any kind of bully who wants to broadcast their belief system to everyone who is their “friend.”

This will ultimately wear people down. People won’t go to the playground as often. In the next couple months leading up to the election, Facebook will be an intolerable place to be. Expect gang warfare.

What hath Zuckerberg wrought? Can I get a “like” here, people?

Suspected ironic humor killer on loose. Beware!!!

Local and state law enforcement officials have begun a massive manhunt for Willis Hargrain, the 55-year old suspect in the ironic humor death of J. Mundy Catwalls, who escaped from the Anderson jail following his incarceration on July 8.

Hargrain used his razor sharp wit to cut down a policeman in the line of duty. Officer Dwayne Chumpky, age 28, of Belton, South Carolina, was in the process of locking Hargrain into his cell when the convict reportedly asked him, “Could I request turn-down service and a mint on my pillow? Oh, and what’s the number for room service? I think I’d like a surf and turf with a bottle of Chateau de Pricey!”

Eyewitnesses report that Offcer Chumpky immediately doubled over with laughter at the suspected killer’s ironic humor, then proceeded to laugh himself to an untimely death. As the guard laughed, Hargrain stepped over the convulsing body and escaped the jail on foot.

“Today we lost an excellent young law enforcement officer,” Sgt. Jerome G. Willikers told reporters. “Dwayne Chumpky is another casualty in the laugh-filled rampage being inflicted by Willis Hargrain. He must be stopped. Please consider him armed with ironic humor and extremely dangerous.”

An all points bulletin has been issued, but there are no leads. If you witness anything funny, anything at all, don’t laugh. It could kill you.

Alleged ironic humor killer put behind bars awaiting trial.

Willis Hargrain, a 55-year old resident of Anderson, South Carolina, was charged today in the death of his neighbor, J. Mundy Catwalls on July 1.

Hargrain, asked Catwalls, age 58, if it was “Hot enough for ya?” on a sweltering 106-degree day. Catwalls convulsed with laughter, literally laughing himself to death. Local law enforcement immediately began an exhaustive investigation of the incident.

“We believe we have a rock solid case against Mr. Hargrain,” Det. Franklin T. Woolty told reporters. “Our C.S.I. evidence shows that Hargrain had been developing this lethal ironic joke for years in his tool shed. So it was definitely premeditated ironic humor murder. We found scraps of paper with early formulations of the joke like ‘Is the climate suitable for you?’ ‘How about this heat? It really is something, isn’t it?’ and ‘Boy howdy, it’s hot. How hot is it? Hmmm, I wish I had a witty retort, but afraid I don’t…'”

Officials believe Hargrain continued developing the ironic joke until he had perfected it with the terse “Hot enough for ya?” then waited for the ideal time to inflict it on his neighbor. The 106-degree day provided the perfect climate for this ironic humor killer. Obviously, Hargrain is a threat to society at large with this razor wit that can slash a jugular vein and a funny bone.”

Hargrain was taken into custody and has been refused bail.

Humorous question ends tragically for one South Carolina home owner.

As record high temperatures gripped many states across the country, a 58-year old South Carolinian died responding to an ironic joke.

Law enforcement officials report that J. Mundy Catwalls of Anderson, South Carolina, died today when a neighbor, Willis Hargrain, saw him clipping his front hedges in 106-degree heat and asked, “Hot enough for ya?” Catwalls began laughing heavily at the ironically humorous question. Soon, he began convulsing with laughter. He laughed loudly for eleven minutes, with neighbors coming out of their homes to see what the commotion was about. Finally, Catwalls dropped dead of a massive heart attack.

“I didn’t mean no harm to him, I swear,” said a grief-stricken Hargrain. “Mundy was a good man, a good neighbor and a good friend. I guess sometimes my madcap humor just gets the better of me. I couldn’t be more sorry.”

Local law enforcement officials are still investigating the incident and say that legal charges may be made against Hargrain.