Archive for August, 2012

Ironic Killer now slaughters digitally with this deadly instrument!

Willis Hargrain, the alleged ‘Ironic Killer’, is the primary suspect in the tragic death of a 36-year old Boone, North Carolina woman who laughed herself to death following an exchange with him on a popular dating site.

Mindy Breeminder, a sales manager for Mungwhip’s Lugnuts & Pastry Shoppe, had an on-line dialogue going with Hargrain on Perfect Soulmates, a singles website. The petite woman was found dead at her computer keyboard by her sister, Patricia Goomy, early this morning.

The only clue to the death of Ms. Breeminder was her last exchange on the computer screen. Hargrain is suspecting to have written the following exchange under the alias “Manhunk,”and Ms. Breeminder wrote under her dating site name of “Sexpot.”

MANHUNK: Tell me about yourself. What do you look like?
SEXPOT: No, you first. What do you look like?
MANHUNK: I’m pretty handsome, I guess.
SEXPOT: Oh, how handsome?
MANHUNK: I’m so handsome, mirrors want to look like me.
SEXPOT: That’s pretty funny. LOL.
MANHUNK: I’m so good looking, I want to date me.
MANHUNK: I’m so sexy, I’m saving myself for marriage.
MANHUNK: Saving myself, sure, but I’m afraid I’m losing.

Police suspect Ms. Breeminder laughed herself to death. K. Edgar Haver, a Boone County Sherriff, warns all people on-line to avoid any exchanges with anyone named “Manhunk.”

“Near as we can tell, he’s a pretty good looking guy. Be careful out there,” the lawman said.

How you’ll feel should ye be in need of a pint or two.

In the world’s greatest city, there is a bar worthy of hell.

A place that purports to be an Irish bar, but is instead an affront to anyone who has ever graced a barstool with their thirsty arse.

The joint is called Lilly O’Briens Irish Bar, on Murray Street just off West Broadway in the hip TrBeCa area of Manhattan. What follows are a list of its sins.

1. It is light and bright. I’m talking bright like if Stevie Wonder walked into the joint he’d say, “Dim it down, would you?!”

2. The place is littered with hi-def TVs playing sports, and many of the feeds are standard def. Look, Irish bars aren’t sports bars. End of discussion.

3. The Smithwicks was flat, and get a load of this, the place had Coors Light on draft! Lord help us all…

4. There was a pair of Muhammad Ali’s boxing trunks mounted in a glass case and hanging on the wall. What this was doing in an Irish Bar was a mystery.

5. Loud contemporary alt rock music was blaring on the sound system. Gotye is hardly the soundtrack for an Irish bar.

Bottom line, this place may be an O.K. sports bar, but it’s a hell of a lousy Irish Bar and should be sued for false advertising.

‘Twas enough to drive a man to drink– elsewhere.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Queen Mum’s the word!

As The Games of The XXX Olympiad come to a close, The Lint Screen presents some secrets that the world media have missed, or refuse to report because of some evil plot involving dry cleaners and the banking industry.

1. The reason so many running world records were shattered is that the athletes were told that if they lost, they’d be forced to watch full episodes of the fall season of new NBC shows.

2. Bob Costas has been juicing himself with the blood of Dick Clark to achieve his eternally youthful appearance.

3. The dressage competition was fixed. Some of the horses ‘threw’ their performances for extra apples and the promise of new Nike Air horseshoes.

4. The United States of America topped China in the total medal count. In retaliation, China has jacked-up the vig on our debt to it.

5. Eighteen horses drowned in water polo competition.

6. These Games set a record for comically large “WE’RE #1” foam finger sales and bangers and mash served in plastic Beefeater hats.

7. The International Olympic Committee is suing Tomlinson Pest Control of Oil City, Pennsylvania for advertising itself as “The Olympic Champion of Rodent Killing.”

Curvin O’Rielly, a man who made the world a more tolerable place

Curvin died yesterday. Cancer took him down. Damn cancer. Angels of mercy with a hospice in upstate New York guided him from this world to the next. Today this world feels more empty for the loss of Curvin O’Rielly.

I never met Curvin. Never even spoke to him. But I knew Curvin.

I knew him first by his work. Curvin was one of those gifted admen who wrote campaigns that were intelligent and soulful. He crafted copy for Saab, BMW, NutraSweet, Saturn and many more that spoke truth artfully and persuasively. I knew Curvin because as a young copywriter I strained my eyes to read his words reproduced in ad award show books. Curvin was a hero of mine, a copy god.

I got to know Curvin thanks to a mutual Facebook friend. She thought we’d like one another. We became Facebook friends, and we liked one another immediately.

We traded stories about working for Hal Riney in S.F. Anyone who ever worked for Riney can swap tales. In San Francisco, Riney stories are traded like baseball cards. Curvin had some very valuable cards.

Curvin began reading this blog and quickly became its top commenter. Since March of 2010, Curvin’s wit and wisdom graced many of The Lint Screen posts. Take a look-see. Often his commentary was better than the entry commented upon. Copy gods do such things naturally.

I urged Curvin to write a book. He had so many great stories, so much wisdom to share. He refused the book idea, but he did write a blog, Ace of Admen. There aren’t a ton of entries, but they are all well worth reading.

While regret I never had the chance to meet Curvin or work with him, I feel fortunate for having known him. He will be sorely missed. The world needs the likes of him more than ever.

Rest, Curvin and thanks. You will be missed.

Willis strikes again, this time using funny words and irony!

The dragnet was set. Cops felt confident. The locals were terrified. But Willis Hargrain, the alleged ironic humor killer of two in Anderson, South Carolina, is still at large and apparently leaving more bodies in his deadly wake!

This morning, two employees of Sole Bros. Footwear in Ashville, North Carolina, were found dead at the store. A customer who was in the store at the time, reported that a man fitting Hargrain’s description entered the store and was approached by two employees who asked if he needed help. Hargrain said, “I suppose with this record hot summer, you’re not doing much business in the snowshoe and mukluks department, are you?” The two employees realized the man had wielded a razor wit and immediately convulsed with laughter–– a laugh fest that tragically ended in their deaths. Hargrain reportedly became nervous, grabbed some nylon dress socks, waxed shoelaces and two pair of shoe trees and fled the scene.

The eyewitness heard the joke at a distance laughed himself into intensive care at a local hospital. Doctors say he will be fine following a regimen of watching C-SPAN. The eyewitness released the following statement: “That man, that Willis joker, is a cold blooded killer. What kind of a homicidal maniac uses funny words like ‘mukluk’ with such brazen disregard for human life? He is as big a threat to mankind as is Snooki. That girl is K-R-Aaaaaazy!”

Police have intensified their search for Hargrain.