Archive for April, 2013

The Glorious Leader is tired of his "bowl haircuts"

The Glorious Leader is tired of his “bowl haircuts

Ever since he’s taken over the leadership of North Korea, Kim Jong Un has had a bug up his ass about something. He has been cranky and irritable, threatening nuclear destruction, war and total annihilation of the United States and South Korea. Now we know why.

It’s his hair.

The Lint Screen had an exclusive interview with Kim Jong Un, the man who millions call “The Greatest Human Who’s Ever Lived And A Even A Little Better Than God” (they say this freely, or they’re imprisoned or killed).

“I demand the U.S. open some Supercuts in North Korea,” said the agitated dictator. “I am sick and tired of these stupid rice bowl haircuts I’ve been getting ever since I was a kid. They make me look dorky. I’m a cool rock star, baby. I want a shag cut or something more modern. I also want a Dippin’ Dots, a Montgomery Ward’s, a Zenith television set and a vibrating massage chair from Brookstone– I need to unwind after a day of leading my people. Bring me my demands, Obama, or you and your country will suffer my wrath!”

Your move, Mr. President.

Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is a good idea says N.R.A.

Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is a good idea for Americans says N.R.A.

The National Rifle Association is mad!

The powerful organization is urging lawmakers to pass legislation that will make it much easier for people to acquire guns.

“It’s ridiculous the hoops we make law abiding Americans jump through to get a weapon,” said an N.R.A. spokesman. “We force people to go to gun shows or even strain themselves by shopping on-line to get their weaponry protected by the Second Amendment. I don’t think our forefathers would stand for such ridiculous restraints coming between freedom lovers and semi-auto weaponry to protect ourselves from evil forces. So we want Congress to pass sensible laws like ‘Take A Gun, Leave A Gun’ that will make it easier for citizens to arm themselves!”

Take A Gun, Leave A Gun is an idea inspired by “take a penny, leave a penny” popular at many convenience stores. Rather than pennies, a basket would be used so that people could leave firearms for others, and take the weapons they need.

“It just makes sense for there to be a hassle-free way for citizens to arm themselves,” said the N.R.A. spokesman as he slapped a new clip into his Glock. When asked if Take A Gun, Leave A Gun might lead to more convenience store armed robberies, the spokesman became irate. “Look, if the guy or girl behind the counter ain’t packing some heat, what in the blue blazes do they expect?”

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Death was lying on the grass. I was out for a morning walk on the beautiful wide walkway running along South Miami Beach, listening to a podcast with headphones on, living in my own space when I was interrupted by death.

A man’s body, with a sheet not quite covering all of it. The right arm stuck out with the hand upturned and still. Still in an erie way that broadcast one thing: this soul is gone. The bottoms of his feet were also visible, the well worn soles of shoes that will walk no more.

A fire rescue vehicle was there and an attendant was by the dead man’s side. There was nothing for the fire department paramedic to do. He was waiting, for what I don’t know.

The dead man was homeless, all his worldly possessions in a plastic bag by his side. Close by, another fire rescue worker was talking with an elderly homeless man, I assume trying to get to the bottom of what happened.

I didn’t want to stop and gawk at this tragic scene. I kept walking and thought of a life lost. An anonymous dead man covered head to toe by a white sheet with an exposed dead hand reaching up to a beautiful morning blue sky. A fresh day full of possibilities for the living.

Who was he, this dead man?

He was someone’s child. What was his story, what were his hopes, dreams, ambitions, joys, disappointments and regrets? Who was he and how did he come to this unglamorous exit on a grassy area by a sidewalk by a beach? What was the life he lived and how was it processed in his head? Was he happy, sad, tortured, haunted or oblivious? Who woud remember him and how would he be remembered?

I’ll never know. Who could possibly know?

I walked by. Death in the morning is a hell of a wake up call.

Chet Woodstrom is not laughing-- because Chet Woodstrom dead!!!

Chet Woodstrom is not laughing– because Chet Woodstrom is D-E-A-D!!!

Tom Mundyfort and Chet Woodstrom had been friends since the age of five, but that friendship ended tragically this morning when Mundyfort shot Woodstrom dead, the unfortunate victim of an April Fool’s Day prank gone awry.

“We always tried to one up each other,” said a sobbing Mr. Mundyfort handcuffed in the back of a patrol car, “and I guess I one-upped him one too far.”

Mundyfort explained that last year Mr. Woodstrom had pranked Mr. Mundyfort by throwing a water balloon at him. “He got me good. I was drenched! Well, I told him, I said, ‘Tom, next year I’m going to pay you back but good for getting me wet!'” And this year he did.

Mundyfort glued a $5 bill on the floor of the office garage by Mr. Woodstrom’s parking spot, then he lay in wait hiding behind the corner. When Mr. Woodstrom pulled into his spot, he got out of his car and spied the $5 bill. The unsuspecting man bent over to pick up the Lincoln when Mr. Mundyfort unleashed his April Fool’s joke– he shot him four times with his Glock.

“I only meant to wing him in the shoulder,” said a visibly distraught Mundyfort, “but I guess my aim was off and I capped his noggin. Man, I’ll bet he never even saw it coming. It looks like I won but I never wanted to win this way.”

The police drove off with the gunman to enter the legal system where he will be served a heaping hot dish of justice.