The following is a transcript of the commencement address I gave on Saturday, May 11, 2013 to the graduating class of ClassyKins Beauty School in Eufaula, Alabama.

Webster defines beauty as “one who is hot” or “one who is worthy of receiving a restraining order from seeing.”

You graduates are about to go forward into the world and make it a more beautiful place. You will do it with scissors, brushes, teases, extensions, deep conditioners, relaxers, enhancers, facials, waxings, manis and pedis–– whatever is required. You will draw on the knowledge you have garnered here and the artistry you have developed.

You will make every skull your block of marble from which you shall sculpt enduring art. Art that will last four to five weeks, maybe six or seven but never, ever eight or more.

On the floor beneath your chairs will be the evidence of your artistry. The remnants of what was once disgusting, hideous, unimaginable and vomit-inducing.

Your mirrors will bear witness to amazing transformations and reflect beauty enough to make Michelangelo break out in envious flop sweat.

Your chairs will act as thrones for those who adorn them. Those who are grotesque gargoyles when seated, glamorous royalty when exited.

You, dear graduates, will leave your mark on this world. You will cut, color, condition and enhance all of humanity with your deft skill and amazing artistry.

I wish you all the very best in your future calling of beauty enhancement and I make but one humble request–– might I get a trim, just a little shape-up?

Thank you.