Archive for July, 2013

"Hitch" could be persuasive when he asked actors to dinner.

“Hitch” could be persuasive when he asked actors to dinner.

Alfred Hitchcock once described actors as cattle, which explains why he was arrested for cannibalism so often.

There is an art to casting the perfect actor for your commercial or project. I want to show you the kind of detailed casting specs I give when I’m looking to fill roles.

Samuel Dunkirker, The Doctor:
He is tall and surrounds himself with children furniture to appear even taller. He likes to grab his belly when he laughs, as if he were a giant.

The doctor wears his framed medical degree around his neck, like a medallion.

His bedside manner is calm yet manic. He has a soothing voice and says comforting things like, “Well, I don’t give you much time to live…” He will then shift gears and shout to the floor, “Damn you disease! Damn you straight to hell!!!” He’ll sob, regain composure and continue speaking in a reassuring voice to the patient, “How about that Jell-O salad on the menu today? Wasn’t that some kind of jiggle-i-cious?”

He has a rash in a secret place.

Celia, The Patient

She is a woman 34, maybe 34-and-a-half. No, scratch that. She’s 34, no more, no less. 34 exactly. In fact, today’s her birthday. That’s right, her birthday!

She has birthday cake icing on her lips and nose.

She walks left foot in front of right in a manner that results in forward locomotion. It’s quite remarkable, really, how she does this.

Celia is in love with Paul but he doesn’t know it. How would he? Paul is such a selfish egotistical bastard, it’s amazing he notices anything. I swear, he’s so high and mighty we all hope that one day he’ll dismount that high horse and get to know us– and especially get to know Celia and how much she loves him!

Celia has blue eyes, the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen.

Paul, the invisible intern

Paul is pretty high on himself, he’s also left-handed. Oh, and he’s invisible so we’ll need a special kind of actor to pull this role off…

Yancy, the pirate

He’s got an eyepatch, pegleg and parrot on his shoulder. He’s a real fish out of water in Memorial Hope & Cheery Redemption Hospital.

Unlike most pirates, Yancy mumbles. Weird, no one can appreciate his pirate-speak.

Yancy loves Celia for her blue eyes and her 2012 Toyota Camry. Yancy prefers even numbers to odd, this should be telegraphed and apparent in his performance.

Home sweet home, but for how long?

Home sweet home, but for how long?

National Security Agency leaker Edward Snowden is a man without a country, and a man without many fans at the Moscow Airport he has been holed-up in for weeks now.

“The guy’s a bum,” said Aleksey Tangomir who operates a newsstand at the airport. “Every day he comes by here stinking like a dead sewer rat who doesn’t use deodorant. He thumbs through the magazines and plays with the souvenir Putin stuffed dolls or the secret police keychains with the retractable 6″ serrated blade and pop-up Makarov pistol, but the cheap bastard never buys anything. I’m sick of him. Yankee go home!”

Nikodim Driscoll, manages the chain restaurant Borscht-A-Teria in the airport. He wants Snowden out. “He comes around here saying he will swap secrets for Borscht. Wants to tell me how American big brother is watching Americans. Who cares? My big brother works for KGB, I know he watches us. My sister was disappeared last year! I tell Snowden, ‘No borscht for you!’ but he never laughs. Must not be a Seinfeld fan. Who needs him?”

New discovery reveals there was much T.R. wanted to do before he died

New discovery reveals there was much T.R. wanted to do before he died

Tom Westsforshire, the world’s foremost authority on Theodore “T.R.” Roosevelt, recently discovered the ‘bucket list’ of the 26th President of the U.S.

“Of course, back then there was no such term as ‘bucket list.’ TR called his list ‘Stuff To Do Before Dirt Napping’– same dif.”

Westsforshire gave The Lint Screen this exclusive sneak peak of the list.

1. Shave my stupid ‘stache and grow some epic mutton chops w/ soul patch
2. Carry big stick
3. Learn tap then learn how to ride a horse– teach it tap, too!
4. Give cuz Franklin D. a noogie to end all noogies
5. Visit Utica, New York, get a sauerkraut foot long
6. Get mug done on side of mountain
7. Ditch the glasses, get Lazik– swing!
8. Wear lacy dresses and accessorize accordingly
9. Get a stuffed animal named after me– Theodore Caniform?

A Skittles craving ends in tragically.

A Skittles craving ends in tragedy.

Trayvon Martin is still dead. He was a 17-year old African-American male guilty of buying Skittles at a convenience store and walking home. He was pursued by a 29-year old cop wannabe named George Zimmerman, even after the citizen vigilante had phoned in his report of Martin’s alleged suspicious behavior to the real police and was told there was no need to pursue. The real cops would investigate.

What happened next was a fight and a dead young man. Zimmerman shot Trayvon.

Zimmerman just stood trial and got off scot-free because Florida has something called the “stand your ground law” and Zimmerman said that he felt threatened by the young man he was pursuing and so he was in his rights to protect himself with the loaded gun he carried. Word to the wise: don’t want sit next to George Zimmerman at a horror film.

So justice is served and Trayvon Martin is still dead, but if there is any justice, he will never be forgotten.

Laws must change.

"Trick or treat!" Johnny Depp's an Indian this year.

“Trick or treat!” Johnny Depp’s an Indian this year.

Yes, I subjected myself to The Lone Ranger. Why? I didn’t think it could be as bad as it is. Stupid me.

Weighing in at two-and-a-half hours and a $250 million cost, it’s a mess of a movie. This outing, Johnny Depp gets to dress up like an Indian (he’s done vampire, pirate, Willie Wonka, etc., he’s running out of costume ideas). Depp is Tonto and his side kick is Armie Hammer playing The Lone Ranger.

There’s a story in here about good guys and bad guys and a railroad and lots of horse chases and runaway trains and people running and fighting and riding horses on top of trains and big explosions and well, you get the drift. It’s ACTION ADVENTURE!

And it’s a yawn.

Director Gore Verbinski (he of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise) has extras chewing up scenery as he tries to amp it up to 11, but the movie just kind of lays there. Not even the William Tell Overture can save the day.

That said, it’ll probably be a huge blockbuster with sequels and a major attraction soon to come to Disney properties.

Woe is me.

"Cuddles" killed Sally to garner more share of cuteness spotlight.

“Cuddles” killed Sally to garner a larger share of the cuteness spotlight.

The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “There is only so much cuteness in this world to go around.” And, brother, maybe he was right!

This morning, a cute kitty named “Cuddles” ripped the face off its owner, a precocious and cute little girl named Sally Jeffers in Roanoke, Virginia. As a result of the cat-inflicted injuries, Sally bled out and will be retired to a plot in Mother Earth.

“It’s tragic,” said Dr. Vincent Dundersin, the emergency room physician who tried to save Sally’s life. “There were claws imbedded in her cheekbone. That cat went wild with fury, but let me tell you, that kitten looked so incredibly innocent when I pulled it off her face. In fact, the little bundle of fluffy fur and whiskers meowed and purred as it gently licked a ribbon of her dangling ripped flesh. It was precious and adorable. The nurses and me just said, “Aw, isn’t that the cutest thing! Kitty misses his master!”

“I believe Cuddles felt threatened by Sally’s cuteness,” said noted animal psychiatrist Dr. J. Sigmund Grengor, “and Cuddles took action for self-preservation. What else could he do? If an animal feels threatened, he acts.”

Perhaps the level of cuteness in the world is stable, for now.