"Hitch" could be persuasive when he asked actors to dinner.

“Hitch” could be persuasive when he asked actors to dinner.

Alfred Hitchcock once described actors as cattle, which explains why he was arrested for cannibalism so often.

There is an art to casting the perfect actor for your commercial or project. I want to show you the kind of detailed casting specs I give when I’m looking to fill roles.

Samuel Dunkirker, The Doctor:
He is tall and surrounds himself with children furniture to appear even taller. He likes to grab his belly when he laughs, as if he were a giant.

The doctor wears his framed medical degree around his neck, like a medallion.

His bedside manner is calm yet manic. He has a soothing voice and says comforting things like, “Well, I don’t give you much time to live…” He will then shift gears and shout to the floor, “Damn you disease! Damn you straight to hell!!!” He’ll sob, regain composure and continue speaking in a reassuring voice to the patient, “How about that Jell-O salad on the menu today? Wasn’t that some kind of jiggle-i-cious?”

He has a rash in a secret place.

Celia, The Patient

She is a woman 34, maybe 34-and-a-half. No, scratch that. She’s 34, no more, no less. 34 exactly. In fact, today’s her birthday. That’s right, her birthday!

She has birthday cake icing on her lips and nose.

She walks left foot in front of right in a manner that results in forward locomotion. It’s quite remarkable, really, how she does this.

Celia is in love with Paul but he doesn’t know it. How would he? Paul is such a selfish egotistical bastard, it’s amazing he notices anything. I swear, he’s so high and mighty we all hope that one day he’ll dismount that high horse and get to know us– and especially get to know Celia and how much she loves him!

Celia has blue eyes, the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen.

Paul, the invisible intern

Paul is pretty high on himself, he’s also left-handed. Oh, and he’s invisible so we’ll need a special kind of actor to pull this role off…

Yancy, the pirate

He’s got an eyepatch, pegleg and parrot on his shoulder. He’s a real fish out of water in Memorial Hope & Cheery Redemption Hospital.

Unlike most pirates, Yancy mumbles. Weird, no one can appreciate his pirate-speak.

Yancy loves Celia for her blue eyes and her 2012 Toyota Camry. Yancy prefers even numbers to odd, this should be telegraphed and apparent in his performance.