Archive for August, 2013

Yes, you’re right– what idiot approved that idea?


Beloved bird flew the coop.

Beloved bird flew the coop.

Waves of grief are gripping the globe at the news of the death of Flappy Wings Birdie-Boo, a beloved bird known, respected and revered for its ability to “fly in the sky, way up high.”

“The body was discovered this morning,” said Capt. Brian Ferriswheel of the Atlanta Police Department. “Until the autopsy report is completed, we cannot rule out fowl play.”

Calls into the morgue were met with equal parts anger and bitterness. “Leave me alone,” shouted an irate Kenneth Tiltawhirl, the county medical examiner, “I’m only one man and last time I checked I haven’t received a pay raise in seven years. And this morning, my toaster crapped out and I spilled coffee on these new off-white linen slacks. How you like them apples, mister smartypants?”

Meanwhile, many mourned the tragic news.

“Flappy Wings Birdie-Boo was a very popular birdie-poo,” said Rex The Talking Dog. “He had over 3,200 Facebook friends, over 460,000 followers on Twitter and a very robust Google+ account. It’s a real loss. Wish I could talk more, but I have to go to elocution class.”

This year, some of the slickest marketing the agencies involved with this merger will do is selling why the merger is good to their clients.

We think it might go something like this…

Oh, Rachel, have you stripped in vain?

Oh, Rachel, what will Ross think?

If you’ve seen the trailer for We’re The Millers, you’ve seen the best bits. There’s a couple more laughs in the full-length film, but not many. Which is a damn shame because the trailer is pretty funny, but it’s only a couple minutes long. The movie runs a flabby 110 minutes.

This movie’s loaded with comedic talent: Jennifer Aniston, Jason Sudeikis, Nick Offerman, Will Poulter, Ed Helm, Kathryn Hahn, Ken Marino and on and on. But, it suffers the curse of a meandering script by four writers.

Siskel & Ebert stated that more than two writers is usually a warning sign–– and I believe they nailed it. The script doesn’t live up to the talent or its full potential. Yet, we’re so starved for laughs, it’ll do good business and probably encourage a sequel:
I Said, ‘We’re The Millers
or We’re The Millers, Again.

It’s Millers’ Time?

It’s just too bad this particular movie isn’t better. I suspect that Ross, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey and Monica would have expected more for Rachel to prance about in her lacy things.

Congressional weasels take a break from screwing America

Congressional weasels take a well-deserved break from screwing America

“It’s tiring doing nothing to help the American people,” said an anonymous congressman as he headed off for the five-week Summer break Congress that began on Monday.

“If I had one more day of obstructing progress, I think I’d die,” said another lawmaker. “People have no idea how hard it is to try and bring the country to its knees and grind our economy into the ground.”

“I came here with one stated purpose,” said a Senator who demanded his name not be disclosed, “and that was to prove that government doesn’t work. I wanted to be elected so I could wreck the political system from the inside. It’s a noble goal I have, like strangling a kitten to prove it doesn’t really need lungs. Of course, cats have eight more lives.”

“My arms are exhausted,” said another congress member,” from acting as a puppet to special interest groups. The strings are killing me!”

Congress people scattered across the country to enjoy their well-earned break. “We’ve got to come back in five weeks,” said a congresswoman, “and we’ll have to be in great shape to endure what lobbyists do to bend our ears: endless rich dinners, expensive booze and getting our pockets stuffed with contribution checks It’s tough work, but it’s what I came to Washington to do! And when I decide to get off this gravy train, I want to be a lobbyist. Why not? I’ll have a great healthcare and pension plan for life.”