Archive for December, 2013

2013 greets new year before getting das boot on der ass out the door

Retiring 2013 greets new year before getting das boot on der ass

Traditionally, the new year is ushered in with great fanfare as the departing year enjoys the perks of riding off into the sunset of a secure retirement and fond memories of a life well-lived. But such is not the case for 2013!

Thanks to new stringent laws, the retiring year will not receive any governmental support in its old age and its unemployment benefits will be bupkis. “Look, we don’t need no freeloaders,” said a congressional member enjoying his 128-day holiday break from the strains on halting progress in Washington, D.C.. “The old man will have to figure out how to feign for himself!”

As the lawmaker scooped Bulgarian caviar onto an imported French cracker made from the bones of paupers, he continued his discourse. “The problem is that everyone these days has their hands out for some government dole. Well, I’m happy to say those days are gone. 2013’s a lazy old coot whose time has passed and he’d better learn how to pull himself up by the bootstraps and earn his keep,” the congressman said as he gulped Krug 1928 Champagne from a jewel encrusted 24-karat gold flute.

The lawmaker then chortled as a manservant brought him broiled lobster tails and aged Kobe beef filet steaks. Infant 2012 was heard crying in the distance, fearful of being thrust into this world.

Happy New Year!

Santa Claus taken down in sting operation.

Santa Claus taken down in sting operation.

Officials with The National Security Agency announced today that Santa Claus (AKA: St. Nicklaus, Nicky The Saint, The Lapman, Fluffy Cuffs, The Chimney Packer, Make It Reindeer, Mr. In-The-Present) has been arrested and taken into custody and is being held in an undisclosed location (“Guantanamo,” a little bird told The Lint Screen over four fingers of Canadian Whiskey and two bumps of Peruvian Avalanche).

Claus had been under suspicion for some time and was nabbed as part of an elaborate sting operation in which NSA personnel posed as “good little boys and girls” who wanted him to come to their house late at night. The alleged children promised “cookies and milk” as bait.

“This Claus character has been the subject of a lot of chatter on the internet,” said an NSA spokesman, “and his name has been mentioned in countless phone calls we’ve intercepted over the past weeks. Obviously, his interest in children is disturbing and given his obsession with knowing who’s been bad or good, well, we thought we’d better take him in for goodness sake. This guy’s a primetime terrorist suspect and we certainly don’t need some whack job ruining Christmas for everyone.”

NSA source lacked potassium

NSA source lacked potassium

The National Security Agency reported today that it has launched a full scale investigation into a terrorist cell group located in the North Pole region.

“This could be huge,” said the unnamed source who stood in the shadows and spoke through a kazoo to scramble his voice.

The anonymous source said that the NSA has been monitoring “significant chatter” and “an avalanche of mail from children” being sent to the North Pole. “The weird thing is,” said the deep throat as he peeled a banana, “there isn’t even a post office there.” He then took a big bite of the banana. “Got to get my potassium.”

Asked if there were any details on when the terrorist group might strike, the shadowy figure shrouded himself in an invisibility cloak. “We’re pretty confident this group will mobilize on the evening of December 24.”

This reporter then heard footsteps running away before slipping on a banana peel. The intrepid reporter heard a body thump to the pavement and as a string of obscenities were shouted.

Obama pardons Popcorn, then all hell breaks loose.

Obama pardons Popcorn, before all hell breaks loose.

It is a White House tradition for the President to pardon a turkey just before Thanksgiving, but this year Barack Obama put a spin on it–– he had two birds with their necks on the chopping block and put it up to an internet vote which would be dressed to kill.

Then, Obama ignored the will of the people and pardoned both “Popcorn” and “Caramel”, the two Minnesota gobblers who are now suspected in a killing rampage.

Since the two toms flew the coop, nine turkey farmers across America have suffered mysterious and brutal deaths. The only clue at the scene of each crime has been a note in chicken-like scratch reading “Who’s sorry now?! You’ve been served by Popcorn & Caramel.”

Authorities are looking for the big birds but have no clue as to their whereabouts. Many conservatives are blaming Obama.

“If he hadn’t let those gobblers loose, we wouldn’t be under siege from rogue turkeys,” said one right winger. We should have been eating them, instead of feasting on fear that they’re seeking revenge.”

He changed his mind

Randy Snogslougher changed his opinion before he snapped

For the first time in recorded history, a person’s opinion was changed at a Thanksgiving dinner.

On Thursday, November 28, at 1:42 p.m., Tom Wheddlekupp engaged in a spirited debate with his brother-in-law, Randy Snogslougher on the Affordable Care Act during his family’s annual Thanksgiving dinner celebration. The men had almost come to blows in previous years as they debated politics and religion over bites of turkey, mashed taters and cranberries, but amazingly, Snogslougher yielded to his brother-in-law and agreed that “people shouldn’t have to die because they don’t have affordable health insurance.” The table of 14 adults and the adjacent kid’s table of six was aghast at the shifted point of view.

“Most times, those two face off and don’t give an inch on nothing,” said Sarah Wheelekupp, the hostess of the dinner.

Unfortunately, at 1:56 p.m., Mr. Snogslougher brutally killed his brother-in-law with an electric knife. “I couldn’t take that guy’s pinko crap any longer,” he said as he was led from the family home in handcuffs. “I hope they have better turkey in prison. Ours was a little dry this year.”