Officials with The National Security Agency announced today that Santa Claus (AKA: St. Nicklaus, Nicky The Saint, The Lapman, Fluffy Cuffs, The Chimney Packer, Make It Reindeer, Mr. In-The-Present) has been arrested and taken into custody and is being held in an undisclosed location (“Guantanamo,” a little bird told The Lint Screen over four fingers of Canadian Whiskey and two bumps of Peruvian Avalanche).

Claus had been under suspicion for some time and was nabbed as part of an elaborate sting operation in which NSA personnel posed as “good little boys and girls” who wanted him to come to their house late at night. The alleged children promised “cookies and milk” as bait.

“This Claus character has been the subject of a lot of chatter on the internet,” said an NSA spokesman, “and his name has been mentioned in countless phone calls we’ve intercepted over the past weeks. Obviously, his interest in children is disturbing and given his obsession with knowing who’s been bad or good, well, we thought we’d better take him in for goodness sake. This guy’s a primetime terrorist suspect and we certainly don’t need some whack job ruining Christmas for everyone.”