Traditionally, the new year is ushered in with great fanfare as the departing year enjoys the perks of riding off into the sunset of a secure retirement and fond memories of a life well-lived. But such is not the case for 2013!

Thanks to new stringent laws, the retiring year will not receive any governmental support in its old age and its unemployment benefits will be bupkis. “Look, we don’t need no freeloaders,” said a congressional member enjoying his 128-day holiday break from the strains on halting progress in Washington, D.C.. “The old man will have to figure out how to feign for himself!”

As the lawmaker scooped Bulgarian caviar onto an imported French cracker made from the bones of paupers, he continued his discourse. “The problem is that everyone these days has their hands out for some government dole. Well, I’m happy to say those days are gone. 2013’s a lazy old coot whose time has passed and he’d better learn how to pull himself up by the bootstraps and earn his keep,” the congressman said as he gulped Krug 1928 Champagne from a jewel encrusted 24-karat gold flute.

The lawmaker then chortled as a manservant brought him broiled lobster tails and aged Kobe beef filet steaks. Infant 2012 was heard crying in the distance, fearful of being thrust into this world.

Happy New Year!