Archive for April, 2014

Rancher Bundy to be called on to wrangle the bad guys!

Rancher Bundy to be called on to wrangle the bad guys!

Cliven Bundy, the Nevada rancher who recently began a bromance with Sean Hannity over his refusal to pay federal grazing fees, may be in line for an important job with the federal government. Rumors are circulating that President Obama would like to dispatch Bundy as a special envoy in helping improve U.S. relations worldwide.

A White House insider said, “The President sees the value of having an astute historian and negotiator like Mr. Bundy working on behalf of the nation, so Obama wants to dispatch him to trouble spots like Russia, Iran and North Korea. Obama is confident the rancher can help ease world troubles with his open-minded approach to solving issues. He believes Bundy will click with Putin, Ali Khamenei and Kim Jong-un. The Chief Executive thinks Bundy should travel with Dennis Rodman for an introduction to the North Korean leader. The president plans to use drones to monitor Bundy’s progress in his new role. The only problem with the plan is that Mr. Bundy refuses to recognize the federal government, but I think he can be persuaded with a big enough white hat to wear.”

CA Resume

I’m a pack rat. I have separation issues with stuff–– my issue being I rarely separate from it. But sometimes, one has to ditch things lest one appear featured in a “Hoarders” episode. So, down to the storage area of the basement I went.

I had piles of work created over my advertising career. Much of it, I’d rather forget. I began filling a large box with things to jettison, and placing keepsake samples to keep in a smaller plastic box (until the next time I go through them).

In sorting through my archives, I came across my all-time favorite resume created back in my California days. The concept was simple: use the business cards I had accumulated as the visual touchstones of my career. Beneath each card, a few sentences that explained what I did at that company and why I left there. That’s it.

There was no B.S. about “being a natural problem solver” or “an enthusiastic and passionate professional” or “in the eternal pursuit of excellence.”

No. It was just the truth, told with a little humor.

The resume was a hit with all who saw it. It was an instant conversation starter. Mission accomplished.

I share this resume to pique your curiosity. How can you tell your story in an interesting way?

Don’t just be a natural problem solver who is an enthusiastic and passionate professional pursuing excellence. Do something more honest and interesting.

Happy hunting.

Afghans sick and tired of purple ink dipping.

Afghans sick and tired of purple ink dipping.

The population of Afghanistan turned out in droves today in a special election to abolish purple ink in the country.

“We’re sick and tired of dipping our index finger in the stuff after we vote,” said an irate Afghan man, age 58, who ironically had to dip his finger into purple ink after casting his vote. “The stupid stuff stains the index finger, and no amount of scrubbing can remove the unsightly purple stain it leaves behind. Makes us look like a bunch of Minnesota Vikings fans, or stupid supporters of Barney the dinosaur. It’s disgusting!”

A young Afghanistan woman agreed. “I don’t know why we have to live in such appalling conditions. It seems other countries can vote without dipping, why can’t we? The ink does a number on my cuticle. And purple is such an awful color to accessorize. Enough already!”

Even with so many stating their displeasure, there is speculation that the election is rigged and that the tradition of purple ink-dipping will continue. “The Taliban has the purple ink market cornered,” said an insider who wished to remain anonymous to maintain his ability to breathe. “Purple dipping represents a huge business for the Taliban. That, heroin, and cotton candy sales.”

Exclusive transcript of Jordan-Culkin-Jackson meeting

Exclusive transcript of the incredible Jordan-Culkin-Jackson meeting

If one ever wished to be a fly, one would wish to be a fly on the wall when three great talents met: Michael Jordan, Macaulay Culkin and Michael Jackson. In a exclusive scoop, The Lint Screen has acquired a transcript of their 1992 conversation, saving you the bother of being transformed into a fly and going into a time machine (that’s the kind of bennies we give our readers here!).

THE THREE GREATS OF THEIR RESPECTIVE GAMES MET FOR A RARE CONVERSATION AT A PHOTO OP ARRANGED BY THEIR PUBLICISTS IN LOS ANGELES ON JUNE 9, 1992. WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE ENTIRE TRANSCRIPT OF THEIR HISTORIC MEETING AND CONVERSATION. NOTE, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED ON USAGE OF ANY INSIGHTS EXPRESSED.

Jordan: So…
Jackson: Yeah.
Jordan: Right.
Culkin: Yeah. Right.
Jackson: (GIGGLES) You said it.
Culkin: I did.
Jackson: (GIGGLES)
Jordan: Oh, yes, I know you did.
Culkin: I know you know I did.
ALL THREE CELEBRITIES LAUGH FOR 48-SECONDS. LAUGHTER DIES DOWN, FOLLOWED BY AN AWKWARD SIX MINUTES OF SILENCE.

Jackson: Nice weather.
Jordan: You mean today?
Jackson: Yeah. Today.
Jordon: Uh-huh. It is nice.
Culkin: I like sunny days.
Jackson: (GIGGLES) Yeah. Me, too.
Jordan: They’re better than stormy days!
Jackson: I’ll say!
ALL THREE CELEBRITIES LAUGH FOR 21-SECONDS. THE LAUGHTER DIES DOWN, FOLLOWED BY A SOMEWHAT AWKWARD TWO MINUTES OF SILENCE.

Jordon: Well, this has been fun.
Culkin: I’ll say. Lots of fun.
Jackson: A blast!
Jordon: Let’s stay in touch.
Jackson: Absolutely.
Culkin: Yeah.
Jordan: You guys take care.
Culkin: You, too.
Jackson: Play basketball! (GIGGLES)
Jordan: It’s what I do.
ALL THREE CELEBRITIES LAUGH FOR 6-SECONDS. LAUGHTER DIES DOWN. SHUFFLING OF FEET AS VARIOUS PUBLICISTS ESCORT CELEBRITIES AWAY.

And… scene!

Deadly copperhead snakes works with black widow spiders to kill man

Deadly copperhead snakes works with black widow spiders to kill man

April Fools Day celebrates wacky hijinks, but sometimes those shenanigans can have a dark and deadly side, as 46-year-old Tom Cronler discovered this morning outside his home in Powdersville, South Carolina.

Cronler got into his car to go to work and was bitten repeatedly by copperhead snakes and black widow spiders that had been placed there by his practical joking 44-year-old next door neighbor, Pete Muskes.

“It was an accident,” Muskes said. “I just wanted to give ol’ Tomcat a surprise wake up call with the spiders and snakes. I thought he’d appreciate my zany madcap stunt and maybe try and offer me an exploding cigar or something in retaliation. But I guess Tom was allergic to poison. I don’t know, it’s kind of weird to think my innocent little joke had deadly consequences, but, hey–– what can you do?”

Muskes was arrested pending the sense of humor of a judge.