Fri 30 May 2014
Archive for May, 2014
Tue 27 May 2014
The wedding of the century went down Saturday as Kim Kardashian and Kanye West married in Florence, Italy, and The Lint Screen was there for every adrenaline-filled second. Here are some of the highlights that no other news media has reported:
+ Kanye said, “E” and Kim replied “O” as the couple exchanged vowels and were officially made the most glamorous couple in the universe in front of 600 A-list guests including Garrison Keillor, Howie Mandel and Jaleel White (Urkle!)
+ Love was in the air along with a strong scent of Pine Sol after a few of the guests got sick from the Tilt-A-Whirl ride set up at the entrance to the wedding garden
+ There was a life-size statue of the happy couple constructed of candy corn, clay, pitted olives and plaster of Paris
+ Kim’s wedding dress was designed by Felicity Gucci Givenchy de Le Target and was made from feathers, silk (spun by live silk worms still working as the bride strode down the aisle) and angel eyelashes–– the beautiful gown was valued at well over $62
+ Kim’s march down the aisle was preceded by a procession of little people on albino goats whose shins trickled with bright blood seeping from where the sharp spurs had dug in
+ Tears of joy flowed like a sad Niagara Falls after a heavy rainfall of sorrow
+ After the wedding ceremony, a flock of owls, hummingbirds, bald eagles and a bow-legged ostrich were released as the groom bumped and grinded on the bride
+ The love couple’s love child North asked her parents to change her name to South–– she was spanked and sent to her room
+ The menu included Vienna sausages, Deviled Ham on Premium Saltines, popcorn balls, beef stew (no carrots–– Kim hates carrots!) cotton candy and raspberry-lemon-quail tarts
You read it here first.
Sun 18 May 2014
It’s a school that charges $34,600 tuition for the education of brilliant preschoolers, and I was privileged to deliver the commencement address to Le Creme de Elite Superior Gifted Children Academy in Belvedere, California.
Here is the text of my speech.
Good morning boys and girls, proud parents and esteemed teachers. What a beautiful day we have with Mr. Sun in all his gold circular glory and Miss Blue Sky presenting a canvas of peaceful tranquility! Thank you, God–– in the deity of your choice. Or, for the more scientific among you, props to the big bang theory!
As I look out on your happy and innocent faces, I know that our country is in great shape because I see the future of America! And I am absolutely confident that somewhere in this room is a child who will grow up and find a solution to Earth’s changing climate problem. One of you will have to, kiddies, or the ice caps will melt and oceans will rise so that we’ll all be underwater and soon eaten by hungry killer sharks.
Gee, that doesn’t sound like much fun, does it?
And someone in your class will have to come up with a solution to the problem of war. If not, we’ll all be burned by horrific nuclear explosions melting our skins and flesh right off our faces. Ouchie, that’s going to hurt!!!
Then there’s disease, my young friends. Who has the big brains to figure out how to protect all of humanity from the millions of deadly germs and bacterias out there waiting to ravage our bodies and wrestle us into ugly and very painful deaths?! Who will protect us?
How about you, sweetie, in the front row? You look smart. Oh, now don’t cry, you don’t have to solve that problem. Let someone else do it.
There’s an ice cream sandwich to whoever figures it out!
Look, kids, it is a dangerous world but all the grown-ups here have complete confidence that you will fix all the problems we’re leaving behind for you. Think of it as a game and play whack-a-mole with all the troubles in this kooky world. It’ll be fun!!!
It’s like you’ve always been told–– you are very, very special. And that’s why the adults are counting on you to clean up the problems we’re leaving behind. All it takes is an expensive education with lots of crushing student debt because of rising tuitions and paying the vig on student loans to the government!
Now then, who’s ready for some cake and ice cream?!
Tue 13 May 2014
The first man to walk on the moon, Paula Deen, once quipped, “To air is human, to forgive define.” It is in that spirit of definition that The Lint Screen prints this correction of goofs and blunders our editorial staff has made.
+ The Shining was written by Stephen King, not Martin Luther King
+ The Empire State Building does in fact contain elevators; we had reported that the tall building contains “a whole bunch of dumbwaiters and dudes with tired arms”
+ Ulysses S. Grant fought in The American Civil War, not “an epic 23-hour game of Risk”
+ The Beatles were known as “The Fab Four”, not Peter, Paul and Mary
+ Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We had mistakenly disclosed that they “went up the hill to torch a couple spliffs of righteous bush, got totally baked and came tumbling down, man. Bummer!”
+ The Washington Monument is not shaped like the nation’s first president
+ Lebron James is a professional basketball player. We had erroneously reported that he was “the lesser known James brother in the rootin’ tootin’ wild, wild west!”
+ The name of the IBM computer that humiliated humanity playing Jeopardy was Watson, not “The Brainiac 6000”
+ Cats say “meow” and cows say “moo”–– not vice versa as we stated, although our reporter insists he’s heard cats moo
Despite these few errors, please know that The Lint Screen will continue its mission to be the most trusted source of information and perfection on the internet.
Mon 5 May 2014
The state of Georgia is not known for liberalism, so how did its lawmakers pass one of the most liberal gun laws in the nation? The answer is cold.
On January 28, two inches of snow paralyzed the city of Atlanta and its metro area of six million people. The incident, called “Snowpocalypse” made Atlanta a laughingstock for the rest of the country, and the weather caused havoc across the state. Proud Georgia lawmakers were not about to let Mother Nature embarrass them again. They immediately sprung into action.
“We felt helpless,” said Jimmy “Wheedle” Bimkirk, a state representative. “We needed to do something about the hostile weather attacking us. So we decided to pass a law giving folks the opportunity to arm themselves so they could stand and protect themselves.”
Bimkirk explained that the new gun laws allow citizens “to buy and carry weapons darn near anywhere so that they can stand their ground protecting it from snow or anything else they don’t care for. An armed citizenry is the best protection against snowflakes hitting the ground and causing us all kinds of grief. We’ll just shoot them flakes in the air! Die snowflakes, die! Problem solved, easy as pie.”
And so, effective July 1, Georgians can arm themselves for protection against the elements. “We all love Mother Nature,” Bimkirk said, “but sometimes she needs to be put in her place. An armed militia can do that and protect our sacred ground.”