Archive for July, 2014

Harry "Dead Eyes" to defend Obama against Boehner

Harry “Hammertime” Krinkston to defend Obama against Boehner

First, Speaker of the House John Boehner sued Lebron James. Yesterday, he got official congressional approval to sue someone even bigger–– President Barack Obama. And this big man wasted no time in counterpunching back.

Obama has secured Harry “Hammertime” Krinkston for his defense attorney!

“The president was impressed with Krinkston’s television commercials that run late at night,” said a White House insider. “He likes the fact that at the end of spot, Krinkston looks directly into the camera and says, “Someone causing you trouble? Let me cause them pain. I’ll kill the mooks, so help me ginny!” Then, Krinkston does his signature move, curling his right hand into a fist and punching the camera as a title reads: HAMMERTIME! along with the phone number of his office.

Although Krinkston’s TV commercials usually highlight his personal injury and car accident expertise, the attorney’s office said “he can handle any case that needs two fists of justice.”

Prince confesses math weakness

Prince confesses math weakness

Baginza Washoobi, a wealthy Nigerian prince who has sent personal emails to many people worldwide, today admitted that he lied.

“I miscalculated my net worth,” the embarrassed prince told The Lint Screen. “I have been telling people my family fortune is forty-six million U.S. dollars, but actually, I’m afraid it is closer to forty-five million U.S. dollars. I most sincerely apologize for this misunderstanding. Apparently my math skills are not as gooder as my English.”

The prince said he will happily share his family fortune with anyone who provides him with his or her financial information. “The banking laws in my country do not allow for the funds to be withdrawn by myself. Otherwise, I would be happy to give all of my financial holdings to a fortunate recipient. Instead, I must have help from someone with a U.S. banking relationship. Once I have the proper account numbers and passwords, I can easily transfer my sizable wealth. And I am most anxious to do so!”

The Lint Screen thinks Prince Washoobi passes the sniff test. He appears to be an honest chap. Our editorial staff suggests that parties interested in securing a fabulous fortune contact the good prince immediately. Simply share your financial records and passwords with

This picture reveals a secret that The Beatles never shared

This picture reveals a secret that The Beatles never shared

For over fifty years, the world has been awash in The Beatles. You thought you’d heard everything, but maybe not. The Lint Screen has unearthed the following eleven nuggets for your enlightenment.
1. The band’s original name was Yanni
2. John did not want to release the first Beatles album on vinyl, he suggested they be ahead of their time and release a CD–– his mates voted him down
3. The band’s manager, Brian Epstein, had lobster claws for hands and four small glands that secreted drawn butter
4. McCartney’s favorite Beatle was Micky Dolenz
5. George Martin, the band’s longtime producer, had a mapcap sense of humor. He would often pretend to be clumsy and erase all the takes of a long day and night’s session, much to the band’s dismay and anger.
6. Ringo had a tail and held secret from the rest of the band for six years
7. George Harrison sought psychiatric attention for his guitar because of its constant weeping; soon thereafter, the instrument was fed a steady diet of antidepressants
8. The Beatles were illiterate and cursive handwriting made them giggle
9. The original title of the song “Help!” was “Not To Be A Bother But Might I Request Some Possible Assistance, Please, If You Don’t Mind Terribly”
10. In 1964, there were 16,712 confirmed deaths due to acute Beatlemania
11. Lennon was known for his sharp wit as evidenced by “The Daily Mirror” reporter who asked him his favorite color and John’s responded by slashing his face with a switchblade razor and dousing the scribe in petrol then lighting him afire. Truly, John Lennon could be a saucy scamp!

LeBron accused of acting like "a king"

LeBron accused of acting like “a king”

Speaker of the House John Boehner is keeping his legal team busy. Now he’s suing both President Obama and NBA superstar LeBron James.

In a lawsuit filed earlier today, Boehner claims “LeBron is acting like a King, even pronouncing himself ‘King James’. He seems to think that he can claim whatever domain he likes, moving from Miami to Cleveland and doing whatever he wants. But this is America, and we fought the British to ensure we’d never live under a king’s rule again, or have to eat crumpets or watercress sandwiches with no crusts! I want to bring LeBron James back down to size!”

Later in the day, Boehner also filed lawsuits against a Starbucks barista, a convenience store clerk and a 16-year old kid working a McDonald’s drive through window. The House Speaker said “all of them were acting like kings! They had haughty attitudes like then expected me to drink tea at four in the afternoon and ride in fox hunts wearing tight slacks. They seemed very self important. This has got to stop! This is not the America our forefathers did stuff for.”

Ain't romance something?! Yeah, you betcha it is!

Ain’t romance something?! Yeah, you betcha it is!

For anyone who’s suffered through mindless romantic comedies, They Came Together covers some familiar territories with sharp sarcastic teeth.

It does for the genre what Airplane did for disaster movies (not nearly as hilarious, but with plenty of laughs, characters and memorable scenes). Just to be clear, this is not a classic like Airplane, but it’s got many more laughs than most contemporary comedies.

If you’re looking for a fun way to spend 83 minutes, grab this baby on demand and let Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler, Bill Hader, Ed Helms, Ken Marino and over a dozen more comic actors deliver the goods.

The plot is as stupid as any modern romcom, and the script by Michael Showalter and David Wain (who also directed) delivers sophomoric laughs throughout. This is mindless entertainment at its best.

Order it up and enjoy the ride.

Boehner calls for attacks on Belgium after USA soccer loss

Boehner calls for attacks on Belgium after USA World Cup soccer loss

U.S. Speaker of the House, John Boehner, thinks President Barack Obama once again let the nation down by allowing its soccer team to be defeated by Belgium 2-1 in The World Cup quarterfinals yesterday. “Obama once again has shown America weakness,” said Boehner in a prepared statement, “and it’s a disgrace.”

Boehner went on to give Obama some leadership advice. “Obama should dispatch troops to Belgium immediately. It’s a puny country, let’s give them a good lesson. Let’s get two or three aircraft carriers up there, and let’s also swarm them with drones! It’s high time this President took some action and showed the world that America is still number one, regardless of the score of some stupid soccer game,” Boehner said as he stepped away from the microphone, took a deep breath and continued.

“Yes, I said soccer and not ‘futbal.’ Look, world–– football is spelled with a “foot” and it’s what real Americans play. Tough Americans. The kind of Americans that Barack Obama is not! Football, real football, is oblong, not circley, and made of pigskin. And you can use your hands and your feet to play it, the way God and our forefathers intended. I’m not even sure what this soccer thing is. Frankly, I think we should sue The World Cup for trying to co-op our American invention of football and misspelling it ‘futbal’ to avoid lawsuits. I’m ready to dispatch my team of flying lawyers to Brazil. I’m serious!”

Boehner wept.