U.S. Speaker of the House, John Boehner, thinks President Barack Obama once again let the nation down by allowing its soccer team to be defeated by Belgium 2-1 in The World Cup quarterfinals yesterday. “Obama once again has shown America weakness,” said Boehner in a prepared statement, “and it’s a disgrace.”

Boehner went on to give Obama some leadership advice. “Obama should dispatch troops to Belgium immediately. It’s a puny country, let’s give them a good lesson. Let’s get two or three aircraft carriers up there, and let’s also swarm them with drones! It’s high time this President took some action and showed the world that America is still number one, regardless of the score of some stupid soccer game,” Boehner said as he stepped away from the microphone, took a deep breath and continued.

“Yes, I said soccer and not ‘futbal.’ Look, world–– football is spelled with a “foot” and it’s what real Americans play. Tough Americans. The kind of Americans that Barack Obama is not! Football, real football, is oblong, not circley, and made of pigskin. And you can use your hands and your feet to play it, the way God and our forefathers intended. I’m not even sure what this soccer thing is. Frankly, I think we should sue The World Cup for trying to co-op our American invention of football and misspelling it ‘futbal’ to avoid lawsuits. I’m ready to dispatch my team of flying lawyers to Brazil. I’m serious!”

Boehner wept.