Archive for February, 2015

Wisdom dispensed, world pays attention.

As wisdom is dispensed, the world pays close attention.

Steve “Lippy” Wasinfurg is a very hard man to please. The assistant manager of a Target store in Gladstone, Virginia recently spoke to The Lint Screen about his views on life.

“Good enough isn’t good enough,” the 38-year old divorced father of four said as he lighted a Marlboro Light and spat on the ground, then scratched his left thigh and rolled his eyes. “I mean, if you come to play, you better play to win, and you want to win, you better be willing to give a hundred and ten percent, because a hundred percent ain’t going to cut it these days. Truth is, you give a hundred percent and some one else gives a hundred and one percent, guess what? You lose. That’s a fact, do the math!”

The retail maven flicked his cigarette at this reporter and shouted, “You think I’m lying here? Do you?! Well, do you?!”
“No,” this frightened reporter responded.
“You better not, because if I’m lying I’m dying.” The retail maven relaxed, stepped forward and spat in this reporter’s face. He then lit another cigarette and continued pontificating.

“Trouble with the world today is people don’t have the eye of the tiger. And let me tell you, you don’t have the eye of the tiger and keep that eye on the ball, well, you take yourself out of the game. You might as well quit and hit the showers. Call it a day because winners never quit and quitters never win. That’s all I’m saying. Are you listening to me–– well, are you scumbag?” the red-faced man said shoving this reporter hard in the chest and knocking him to the ground where he tumbled like a rag doll in a clothes dryer.

“Yes, I’m listening,” the frightened reporter meowed with the taste of his own blood on his lips.
“You damn well better,” the agitated man in a shirt and tie said as he kicked dirt into this scribe’s face. Rivers of tears absorbed the dirty dirt making face mud.
“Yes, sir, I will. I promise.”
“You better,” said Steve “Lippy” Wasinfurg. “You don’t even want to see me get upset.”

This reporter scrambled to his feet and darted to his car, driving off to get back to the office to dispatch this important report.

A simple solution proposed to stop prison violence.

A simple solution proposed to stop prison violence.

Alabama Congressman Hank Tippsmon has introduced “The Behind Bars Protection Act”, a bill designed to curtail violence among the over 2.5 million people incarcerated in America.

The revolutionary law is simple in its execution–– every prisoner would be issued a firearm and ammunition for self protection purposes.

“Crime is a real problem in America,” explained Rep. Tippsmon, “that’s true on the streets and especially true in our prisons. These places are filled with nasty people. With my new law, we’d empower the folks most in danger in modern society, those people who live every blessed day among the criminal element–– the prisoners themselves. Armed prisoners could finally stand their ground and protect their Constitutional right to bear arms. I honestly cannot think of a downside to this law, and frankly am shocked no one’s thought of it before. I pray that my fellow members of Congress and everyone in Washington does the right thing and makes this law happen. The idea is bulletproof.”

There has been no word yet from other members of Congress or The White House, but there is widespread support among the prison population.

Tears of regret and remorse beg for mercy and forgiveness.

Tears of regret and bitter remorse from Pam Dockwinker beg for mercy and forgiveness.

Pam Dockwinker is being shunned by humanity following her confession that she recently issued a “Like” on Facebook when it wasn’t true. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” the distraught 22-year old resident of Madison, Wisconsin said. “I have got to be like the worst human being ever.”

Yesterday Ms. Dockwinker saw a picture posted by her friend Mandy Stewbimb of a cute black kitten playing with a tennis ball. “I saw that the picture had 126 ‘Likes’,” admitted Ms. Dockwinker, “so I joined the crowd and went ahead and hit the ‘Like’ button.”

But in fact, Ms. Dockwinker did not like the photo. “I’m really afraid of cats,” she told The Lint Screen. “I’m very allergic to all cats, even kittens, and the picture, while very cute, kind of creeped me out.”

In the interest of maintaining the integrity of Facebook, The Lint Screen pressured Ms. Dockwinker to confess her lie, which she did in an FB post. Now she awaits the judgment of her 893 Facebook friends.

“I hope I can survive this,” Ms. Dockwinker sobbed. “I honestly couldn’t feel worse. I’m so ashamed I am physically sick and really totally mental about my deception. And I sincerely hope I don’t lose any of my 893 close Facebook friends because of my dishonesty.”

Time will tell who is a friend of Pam Dockwinker and who actually “likes” a dirty rotten liar!

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This is a scoop so big, it’d bankrupt Baskin Robbins. The Lint Screen has acquired three scripts of TV spots produced by The Lincoln Motor Company using Matthew McConaughey that were supposed to have aired in last Sunday’s Super Bowl Game. The spots were pulled at the last minute due to a prank done by the mischievous ghost kid from the Nationwide spot. The Lincoln scripts are revealed below in their entirety.

“Cake”

OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKZ. HIS CAR IS ENTERING AN AUTOMATIC CAR WASH. WE WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE SITS. WE SEE THE SCRUBBERS WORKING, RINSING, WAX BEING APPLIED, ETC.

MMVO: I remember some good cake I had one time.
All the sweet, green icing flowing down.
But then…
someone left the cake out in the rain.

CUT TO CLOSE UP OF MM. WE SEE TEARS WELLING UP IN HIS EYES. IN THE BACKGROUND, WATER POUNDS AGAINST THE VEHICLE. VISUAL METAPHOR!!!

I don’t think I can take it
’cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again…

MM BEGINS SOBBING INTO HIS HANDS AS THE CAR IS BEGINNING TO BE BLOWN DRY.

CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR WASH. SUPER LOGO.
—————————————————

“Who Am I?”

OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. HE IS DRIVING AT NIGHT DOWN A LONELY ALLEYWAY. IT IS DARK, WITH SPORADIC POOLS OF DINGY YELLOW LIGHT. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES. THERE ARE FOUR COINS IN HIS RIGHT POCKET–– A 1996 DIME, 2009 NICKEL, 2012 QUARTER, 2014 QUARTER.

MM VO: Who am I? Why am I here?

They’re big questions.
We all search for identity.

MM TURNS TO CAMERA AND WINKS.

I could use more lumbar support.

CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS HAND ADJUSTING LUMBAR SUPPORT BUTTON ON SIDE OF HIS SEAT.
CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS FACE IN ECSTASY.

That’s much better.

CUT TO WIDE ANGLE CRANE SHOT ABOVE ALLEYWAY AS THE VEHICLE DRIVES OUT OF FRAME.

SUPER LOGO

———————————————–

“What’s Ahead”

OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES THROUGH BEAUTIFUL COUNTRYSIDE.

MM VO: What is life? What’s ahead? I’ve been wondering lately.
Why do baristas rarely acknowledge tips?
How do magicians do their tricks?

(SFX: LOUD THUMP OUTSIDE VEHICLE)

What the heck was that?
I could use a latte.

MM TURNS ON THE RADIO, JOYFUL MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS.

That’s nice.
What is life? What’s ahead?

SUPER LOGO