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This is a scoop so big, it’d bankrupt Baskin Robbins. The Lint Screen has acquired three scripts of TV spots produced by The Lincoln Motor Company using Matthew McConaughey that were supposed to have aired in last Sunday’s Super Bowl Game. The spots were pulled at the last minute due to a prank done by the mischievous ghost kid from the Nationwide spot. The Lincoln scripts are revealed below in their entirety.

“Cake”

OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKZ. HIS CAR IS ENTERING AN AUTOMATIC CAR WASH. WE WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE SITS. WE SEE THE SCRUBBERS WORKING, RINSING, WAX BEING APPLIED, ETC.

MMVO: I remember some good cake I had one time.
All the sweet, green icing flowing down.
But then…
someone left the cake out in the rain.

CUT TO CLOSE UP OF MM. WE SEE TEARS WELLING UP IN HIS EYES. IN THE BACKGROUND, WATER POUNDS AGAINST THE VEHICLE. VISUAL METAPHOR!!!

I don’t think I can take it
’cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again…

MM BEGINS SOBBING INTO HIS HANDS AS THE CAR IS BEGINNING TO BE BLOWN DRY.

CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR WASH. SUPER LOGO.
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“Who Am I?”

OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. HE IS DRIVING AT NIGHT DOWN A LONELY ALLEYWAY. IT IS DARK, WITH SPORADIC POOLS OF DINGY YELLOW LIGHT. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES. THERE ARE FOUR COINS IN HIS RIGHT POCKET–– A 1996 DIME, 2009 NICKEL, 2012 QUARTER, 2014 QUARTER.

MM VO: Who am I? Why am I here?

They’re big questions.
We all search for identity.

MM TURNS TO CAMERA AND WINKS.

I could use more lumbar support.

CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS HAND ADJUSTING LUMBAR SUPPORT BUTTON ON SIDE OF HIS SEAT.
CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS FACE IN ECSTASY.

That’s much better.

CUT TO WIDE ANGLE CRANE SHOT ABOVE ALLEYWAY AS THE VEHICLE DRIVES OUT OF FRAME.

SUPER LOGO

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“What’s Ahead”

OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES THROUGH BEAUTIFUL COUNTRYSIDE.

MM VO: What is life? What’s ahead? I’ve been wondering lately.
Why do baristas rarely acknowledge tips?
How do magicians do their tricks?

(SFX: LOUD THUMP OUTSIDE VEHICLE)

What the heck was that?
I could use a latte.

MM TURNS ON THE RADIO, JOYFUL MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS.

That’s nice.
What is life? What’s ahead?

SUPER LOGO