Archive for March, 2015

This madcap Facebooker is about to change his life with a selfie stick!

This madcap Facebooker is about to change his life with a selfie stick!

Tim Walprubb announced today that he has ordered a selfie stick from Amazon. “I felt like the time was right,” said the Facebooker with over 45 close friends. “Once I get my ‘mug-o-lator’, I can take all sorts of snaps and post them. I think it’s really going to change the game for me.”

Walprubb, age 34, has never married or been in a serious relationship. “Not that I know of,” he says, then adds, “LOL!” He believes the selfie stick could be the key to his future happiness and finding love. “I think my biggest problem might be that people aren’t getting a sense of my zany brand of humor. With the selfie stick, I’ll be able to snap candids of me in shoe stores, with my cats, peeping out of sewers, dumpster diving or leaning over a bridge like I’m going to jump–– just about anywhere–– it’s all fair game once I get team SS working for me! It was either get the selfie stick, or grow my arms three or four feet! I searched like the dickens, and Amazon doesn’t sell racks for stretching. LMAO!!!”

Interested women should “friend” Tim Walprubb on the popular Facebook website, and be on the lookout for more candid shots of the self-described “Walprubberator”.

Crazy terrorists invade social media space.

ISIS Leader Abu Al Jerrylewis explains why the terrorist organization is invading the social media space.

The evil band of no-goodniks known as ISIS has long been heralded for its savvy social media skills. The terrorist group’s use of Twitter, Tinder, Facebook, YouTube, Social Sugar Smax!, LinkedIn, eHarmony and Let’s Connect, Okeedokee? has been heralded for generating propaganda and recruiting new psychopathic nut jobs. Now The Lint Screen has learned that ISIS is planning to expand into the hurly burly world of modern marketing by opening a social media agency.

“It’s a natural extension for us,” said Abu Al Jerrylewis, an ISIS leader who will be heading up the new operation. “We want to use all our social media expertise helping global brands connect with new audiences. Unfortunately, market research has showed that the ISIS brand is despised and feared, so we’re working on a cute approachable name for our new company. Some of the names we’ve been spitballing are Panda Touch, Social Awakenings and Die, Infidel, DIE!!!

Industry observers are skeptical if ISIS can successfully make the transition to a social media agency. “I don’t think these guys have any idea what a tough, brutal racquet social media marketing is,” said Gregg Emerflip, a marketing consultant. “ISIS will be going up against the likes of WPP, Omnicom and Havas–– I’m not sure they’re prepared for how vicious it will get.”

What do you think? Post your opinion on social media, if your Tweet attracts a drone, run!

Read and cry into your green beer. Cheers!

Read and cry into your green beer. Cheers!

The Lint Screen has spent years doing an exhaustive study into the phenomenon of green beer that magically appears every St. Patrick’s Day, and we’ve discovered that it’s a ruse–– a cruel hoax perpetrated on the drinking public by profit-thirsty brewers.

“Beer makers just add a bunch of algae to the beer,” reported our deep-throated insider informer whistle blower dude. “The color is natural, but it’s not like the magical transformation that people believe.”

Most green beer drinkers believe the attractive green color comes from God’s love of the Irish, that in their honor, He performs the miracle of changing yellow to green every St. Patrick’s Day. Not so!

“I only wish ’twas true,” said a distraught Sean Driscoll O’Toole before he was struck with a bolt of lightning on his barstool and his burnt remains were eaten by a pack of coyotes that were then run over by a semi truck filled with barbells.

Luck of the Irish, indeed.

Can you feel the hate radiating off the page?

Can you feel the hate radiating off the page?

I was guilty, not even Saul Goodman could have pled my case.

It was Saturday, the office parking lot of 22 spaces was empty when I pulled into it, so I slid into a space closer to the elevator than my own.

I figured this was my right as a lazy American. Why should I be subjected to unnecessary exercise? I took squatters rights on the vast expanse of parking; I was only going to be there a short time. It was a drive-by parking job, no big deal.

Wrong-o, boy-o. It was a HUGE deal. When I came down, twelve minutes later, another car was in the lot parked next to mine. Now there were two vehicles occupying the expanse of concrete.

Under my windshield was the piece of paper pictured above. Apparently I was in HIS/HER parking space. I assume it was a man, a very angry man. A very angry and possessive man. I’d knocked his world off its axis. I had invaded his space, inconveniencing him by forcing him to walk an extra two or three steps to the elevator.

I read his raging words with the underlined emphasis on “MY” and decided I’d keep it handy. The note is posted at my desk at work (not far from my latex glove collection) as a reminder that many Americans are bubbling cauldrons of rage primed to erupt at the slightest provocation.

We all need to chill, or, at the very least, fence in our parking spaces.

POSTSCRIPT: I felt somewhat guilty as I slashed his tires, gave the car a world class key job and lit it afire.

Two famous newsmen secretly met and shared tales of better days.

Two famous newsmen secretly met and swapped tales of better days.

Holland Bar in Hell’s Kitchen seemed an odd spot to meet a couple multi-millionaire media stars, but The Lint Screen recently descended into this dive bar to eavesdrop on a conversation between Fox Newsman Bill O’Reilly and NBC Anchor Brian Williams. The two tall men sat at the end of the bar with tumblers of scotch and commiserated on their recent troubles.
BO: It’s a media hit job, the whole thing they’re pulling on me.
BW: I hear you, pal. The wolves sharpened their teeth on my ass.
BO: Know what their problem is?
BW: They’ve got no imagination?
BO: Of course, that, but their real problem is they can’t stand integrity, and it irks the hell out of them that some journalists still got it.
BW: Guys like you and me.
BO: Right. Guys putting ourselves on the line to get the story.
BW: The whole story. It’s why I go in harm’s way.
BO: And why I wrote my “Killing” book series. Hell, I didn’t even write about being on the grassy knoll when Kennedy bought the farm.
BW: Really? You must have been pretty young.
BO: Thirteen, fourteen, or something. But even then, I had a nose for the news. I sensed a story was unfolding in the land our forefathers called Texas.
BW: What a coincidence, I call it Texas, too.
BO: Hey, barkeep! (O’Reilly shouts) Want to fill my glass, or do I have to die from dehydration down here? (To BW) Service in America sucks. There’s no compassion whatsoever.
BW: Service sector needs to focus on humanity.
BO: My point exactly. (To bartender as he pours scotch into his glass) Don’t be shy, buddy, if you expect a good tip. And do my friend here again.
BW: Thanks, Bill.
(The bartender finishes pouring and steps to the other end of the bar.)
BO: Where was I?
BW: The grassy knoll.
BO: Right. Shots rang out and…
BW: I was on the plane, you know…
BO: The plane? What plane?
BW: Air Force One. With LBJ getting sworn in. Poor Jackie, she looked so sad. That dress was absolutely ruined.
BO: Really? You were there? You must have been a little kid.
BW: I was four, I think. Yeah, a kid, I guess…
BO: That’s amazing.
BW: Well, like you, I guess I had a nose for news.
BO: And that’s why all the other media pinheads hate us–– they despise that we do the job.
BW: It’s all about the story. Doing whatever it takes to get the story.
BO: Right. And others are too lazy to go find the story behind the story, and that so often is the story! So what do they do? They come gunning for guys like us.
BW: Exactly.
BO: You like this scotch?
BW: Sure. It’s smoky, nice full-bodied flavor.
BO: It’s my recipe. I sold it to a distillery. Told them to keep my name off the bottle. I don’t want to be whoring booze. Might ruin my credibility.
BW: Really? That’s incredible. You created the recipe for this wonderful scotch?
BO: Yeah. Look, if a newsman doesn’t know a good drink, then who the hell does? I’ll tell you about it…