You could hear a pin drop if you had really good hearing.

You could hear a pin drop if you had really good hearing and I was clumsy with pins.

The following is my commencement address to the Princeton University Class of 2015.

Good afternoon. Sit, please. Enough applause already, please sit. Thanks.

That was a lovely rendition of “Pomp & Circumference”–– let’s it hear it for the PU band! You guys rock.

As I look out on all those fancy robes, colorful sashes, Mortar Board skull caps and big foam fingers with “We’re #1” printed on them waving madly, I feel your sense of pride, accomplishment and excitement.

Your investment of hundreds of thousands of dollars has finally come to an end, unless you re-up for another hit of higher education in the ol’ academia incubator.

Either way, if you have piles of student debt and need some relief, or, you need a little loan, my friend Sal is in the parking lot. He’s the husky guy sitting in a gold Buick Riveria with a two-day beard and a Lucky Strike in his mouth. Sal has some exceptional terms. And if you act today, he’ll throw in a pair of Isotoner gloves when you pay your loan back, providing you still have all your digits. Take a sit down with Sal and let your troubles float away.

So, what about life? What are the keys to success? How can you find your true purpose, your happiness?

To quote a great philosopher, the answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind. And if you can’t find answers there, remember the idea that drove Fox Mulder in “The X-Files”–– THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

Find it, graduates. Find the truth. How? Try The internet, that thing has damn near everything you ever need to know and it’s all true. Believe it!

Thanks. Now please commence with the thunderous applause, foot stomping and lighters in the air, and I may come back out for an encore.

Rock on, Princeton, I love you!