“Mad Men” has officially retired, but its star, Don Draper (AKA “Tricky Dickie Whitman”) is still alive and well. The suits he wears these days are sweatsuits, but he still cuts a handsome, if wrinkled figure in his walker outfitted with Penn tennis balls on the feet. The Lint Screen recently pulled up a barstool next to this advertising legend for a candid conversation.

TLS: Hello, Don. It’s good to see you.
DD: Enough of the chit-chat. Buy me a drink.
TLS: Sure. So, how old are you now?
DD: Don’t know. 89. 90. Something like that.
TLS: And how’s retirement?
DD: Retirement? From McCann? I wish. I’m freelancing now. Need some help?
TLS: No.
DD: I was a superstar, a legend. (TO BARTENDER) Keep pouring. and keep that bottle here– he’s buying.
TLS: We’re not looking for any freelance help right now.
DD: If you do, I’m your man.
TLS: What did you think of the “Mad Men” finale?
DD: What kind of a stupid question is that? It’s my story. It was incredible. Brilliant!
TLS: So, you really created the “I’d like to buy the world a Coke” spot?
DD: Of course, you idiot. Weren’t you watching?
TLS: Well, some questioned the ending. It was a little ambiguous.
DD: The spot’s on my reel. What more proof do you need?
TLS: Was that a big moment for you?
DD: What do you think? The biggest commercial in the world, and I did it.
TLS: Was that the highlight of your career?
DD: Hard to say. I had a lot of great spots.
TLS: Such as…
DD: Apple Computer’s “1984” spot. Came up with that in ’78. I was that good.
TLS: Wow.
DD: Steve Jobs was an ass. He wanted a talking dog spot.
TLS: Any other big spots or campaigns?
DD: Nike “Just do it.”
TLS: You worked at Wieden & Kennedy?
DD: Who?
TLS: Wieden & Kennedy in Portland. I thought they created that campaign.
DD: It’s in my book. End of discussion, okay, weisenheimer?
TLS: Anything else?
DD: McDonald’s “You Deserve a break today.”
TLS: You did that, too?
DD: Yeah. The clients wanted to change it to “You deserve delicious McDonald’s food every single day.” I talked them out of it. Idiots!
TLS: Amazing.
DD: That’s nothing. I did a bunch of classic campaigns–– Volkswagen Beetle, Fed Ex, Energizer Bunny, Budweiser Frogs, Marlboro Man, Wendy’s “where’s the Beef?”, Mini “Let’s Go”, Rolling Stone “Perception/Reality” print campaign, ESPN SportsCenter stuff, Got Milk, Dumb ways to die. If it’s famous, chances are I did it.
TLS: That’s amazing, you created some of the most iconic ad campaigns of all time.
DD: Damn right. (SHOUTING TO BARTENDER) Another bottle down here! And bring me a couple more to go. The good stuff.
TLS: How are your contemporaries? How’s Roger Sterling?
DD: Dead.
TLS: Peggy Olson?
DD: Dead.
TLS: Stan…
DD: Dead.
TLS: Joan…
DD: Dead.
TLS: Pete Campbell?
DD: Dead. The weasel.
TLS: Duck Phillips?
DD: He’s alive. Sells digital ads.
TLS: Amazing. You’ve outlasted so many.
DD: Yeah. Still in the game. Freelancing. Need any help? I’ll give you a break on my day rate.
TLS: Uh, no thanks.
DD: If you ever do, remember the Don. Don Draper.
TLS: Will do.
DD: (SHOUTS) Barkeep, where’s my bottles?!