Archive for June, 2015

Shy guy Donald Trumps takes step to increase confidence.

Shy guy Donald Trumps takes a baby step to increase his confidence.

Newly-announced presidential candidate Donald Trump has hired legendary self-help guru Tony Robbins, The Lint Screen has learned.

“The Donald is not a very outgoing person,” said Sam Blyminauer, Trump campaign manager. “He feels he needs a guy like Tony Robbins on his team to teach him some tricks of how to boost his ego and self confidence. Tony is a master of helping shy folks like Donald come out of their shells and inch their way to the limelight.”

The Trump campaign staff is fearful their candidate may be overshadowed by charismatic superstars like of Lindsey Graham, Bobby Jindal, Dr. Ben Carson and the 612 other declared presidential candidates.

“Donald Trump is going to work closely with Tony to make sure his authentic voice is heard,” said Blyminauer. “Although he has shy tendencies, we think through work and practice he’ll open up, goose his retiring ego a bit and make sure that his opinions gets heard.”

It will be interesting to see if this bold plan works!

"Whoopsie daisy!" says Ms. Daisy, copy editor at TLS.

“Whoopsie daisy!” says Ms. Daisy, copy editor at TLS.

It’s time for The Lint Screen to air its dirty laundry and soiled linens by copping to some gaffes we’ve made.

1. The Magna Carta was not a malt liquor as we reported. Apparently, it was some sort of historical thingy.

2. Lions cannot breed with elephants, so our story warning of impending annihilation for the human race may have been a tad overblown.

3. Ditto on dragons breeding with unicorns and invading soon.

4. The New York Yankees did not win the 1958 Preakness.

5. Germany was not involved with the Civil War.

6. Henry Kissenger was never a U.S. president, or, a ballet dancer.

7. Eggs and Egg Beaters are not naturally sworn enemies. They are separate food groups.

8. The sky is not literally falling (but we still suspect it’s drooping rapidly).

9. Ken Burns is not related to George Burns or Sidney Poitier.

10. The quotes of a dude in a bar after a seven-hour bender is not considered “a trusted source,” according to some schools of journalistic thought. Ergo, we may have been a little off center in our report that “The government is trying to confiscate our major and minor appliances, and replace them with exact replicas that will control our thoughts and actions and force us to surrender our stash of firearms.”

Sesame Street's most notorious junkie finally gets help.

Sesame Street’s most notorious junkie finally gets help.

These Sesame Streets are a little less dangerous today as longtime resident Cookie Monster has placed himself into a Santa Monica rehab facility.

“He was an accident waiting to happen,” Elmo told The Lint Screen. “Dude finally hit rock bottom, yo. He was hassling some Girl Scouts for cookies and just went bonkers. Got all touchy-feely, jonsesing to score a Samoa or Thin Mint. It got real ugly, man. Grover and Ernie had to restrain him. Everyone on The Street knew Cookie Monster had some issues, and we’re glad he’s finally addressing them.”

Bird Bird, another resident, said Cookie Monster’s incident was not surprising. “He’s had a sugar problem for a long, long time. Always mooching cookies, hitting the Karo bottle, looking to score rock candy. It’s not right when you gotta have a sugar rush that bad. And recently, he got so crazed he started licking Kermit because he heard you can get high licking frogs. That’s just not right.”

Telly Monster has an interesting hypothesis about what he believes is driving Cookie Monster’s addiction. “He’s obviously masking some deep insecurity, fear or secret. I suspect the poor guy’s illiterate. I don’t think he can read or write a lick. How sad is that? You’re one of the longest residents on Sesame Street and it’s all just gibberish. None of the catchy songs or cute games took root. I think he feels shame and guilt over his failure. No wonder the poor schmuck crashed.”

The cute children who visit Sesame Street do not seem upset about Cookie Monster’s absence. “He was kind of an ass,” said a precocious four-year old girl.

Aw, isn’t she precious?

GOP candidates will be ready to rumble under the New Orleans sky.

GOP candidates will rumble under the New Orleans sky.

With Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal expected to announce his presidential candidacy for the GOP nomination in the near future, The Lint Screen has learned he is also expected to show his hospitality by inviting the other 40,912 Republican candidates to join him in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome for the first debate.

“Bobby knows everyone loves visiting New Orleans,” said Tippitt H. Mintonfists, IV, his campaign manager. “And with the pretty crowded field of contenders, he thinks that the choice of venues to host the first candidates debate is limited. So, Bobby’s going to offer everyone to meet him in his house, because The Superdome can handle the crowd. Plus, it’s not far from Bourbon Street so folks can grab a big ass beer, Hurricane, Bloody Mary and walk on over and mix it up. What more could anyone want? It’s going to be a real dogfight, yes sir!”

There has been no response from spokespeople of other candidates.