Archive for August, 2015

When he wasn't swinging, Harding pitched.

When he wasn’t swinging, Harding pitched.

Following the recent news that Warren G. Harding, the 29th President of the United States fathered a love child in 1919 with Nan Britton, The Lint Screen has learned he was also one of the earliest members of the Ashley Madison extramarital affairs website.

The Ashley Madison website was recently hacked and a list of its 32 million members has been leaked. Surprisingly, 99.987% of the members are male. Harding’s name is listed as Member #2, Cornelius K. Thornstickle, a lead pencil magnate, was Member #1.

“It’s a startling revelation about Harding,” said Professor Hargrain Willis, Jr. of The Exorbitant Tuition & Worthless Degree Factory University in Hudson, Ohio. “He was obviously a man with a voracious sexual appetite, and he also liked to pack the groceries down his gullet. Harding was truly our most dashing president, and a contender to the claim of ‘father of our country.'”

Warren G. Harding could not be reached for comment due to a previous death.

Need something? Get it fast with Urchin Prime.

Need something? Get it fast with Urchin Prime.

Amazon, the internet everything store, has come under a barrage of bad publicity following a scathing expose of its high pressure working conditions in The New York Times. Today The Lint Screen learned that the company is fighting back–– with a new service that it says “shows compassion and concern for our best customers, while instilling our youth with a good work ethic.”

It’s called Amazon Urchin Prime. Those who enroll for $249/annually will receive a personal street urchin to fetch Amazon orders the moment they are made, and deliver them “toot sweet, or faster.”

“Urchin Prime shows a new level of responsive, attentive service,” said Todd Lorrhence, Amazon’s Sr. V.P. Corporate Toadying. “It gives Amazon a human face and scurrying feet to fetch whatever our customers desire. And for our urchins, it offers a free on the job training program in industriousness, personalized service skills development and customer commitment. We see this as a win-win-win situation.”

Jeff Bezos, check and mate. Take that, New York Times! Who’s evil now?

He's armed with lawyers!

He’s armed with lawyers!

C. Daniel Wisterdom will be entering Middlebury College next week, and is already threatening lawsuits against this respected Vermont liberal arts mecca, The Lint Screen has learned from hanging out in the quad.

“I am very concerned Middlebury may book a so-called edgy comedian,” said the rising freshman majoring in Humanity Theoretical Studies, “and I will not stand to have someone brandish microaggressions against minorities, or belittle social norms, gender identification or airline cuisine.”

University officials have assured Mr. Wisterdom they have no intention of booking a controversial funny person. “It would be unconscionable for us to expose our student body to different ways of thinking that extract humor from the pain of others,” said Robert Posey, Director of Chill. “To that end, we have banned TV channels on our cable system that we believe might incite panic and anxiety among our student body, who we believe are this nation’s most valuable assets.”

Mr. Wisterdom is not confident and will be watching carefully. “If I come across the broadcasting of a cartoon where a coyote threatens the very existence of a road runner, or a sailor partakes of tobacco and the nutritional benefits of spinach to bully another, I will slap Middlebury with a lawsuit that will knock them into the nineteenth century! I have my father’s law firm on speed dial.”

With that, Mr. Wisterdom resumed curling into the fetal position and sucking his thumb.

Former home of Lenny and site of his demise.

Former home of Lenny and site of his demise.

Dr. Walter Palmer is a very angry man. Following last week’s news that he had killed beloved Zimbabwean lion Cecil, the Minnesota dentist was struck by an onslaught of negative publicity and threats. But those didn’t stop this brave Novocain shooter–– he’s struck again!

This time, the deadeye tooth-driller slew a caged Amur Leopard named Lenny at the Minnesota Zoo.

“I got tired of all the bleeding hearts bellyaching about Cecil,” Palmer told The Lint Screen. “It was a good kill. I paid 50-K to bag that bad boy. But I felt like I had to prove my mettle over another very dangerous creature. Amur Leopards have huge sharp teeth. Let me tell you, those chompers will make mincemeat of human flesh–– so I took the beast down!”

Patrons and zoo officials are saddened by Lenny’s demise. “He was very popular,” said William Pullerburd, a zoo spokesman. “The Amur Leopard species is near extinction, with only 50 or so living in the wild. It’s a tragic waste of a natural treasure and a senseless crime against nature.”

Palmer stands by his kill. “I keep hearing about all these creatures that could go extinct. I don’t buy it. What–– are these big cats wearing condoms? Give me a break. There’s plenty to go around, and their mounted heads make great conversation pieces adorning the wall of my den.”

The dentist shot Lenny with 16 arrows and six shots from a Glock in his hour and a half hunt of the caged beauty. “Tell you one thing,” Palmer said, “he was a fighter. But he ain’t the champion,” the dentist said as he flashed his winning Crest toothpaste smile.