Archive for September, 2015

Dominos, the company that made a name for itself in tiled games and pizza, is planning to capitalize on a recent YouTube video of a New York City rat carrying a slice down the subway stairs to catch his train.

“Obviously there’s an untapped market out there,” said Phillip Mainstrom, Sr. V.P. of Strategy And Business Development told The Lint Screen, “and we think there’s an incredible opportunity for business growth.”

After studying the video carefully, the Dominos test kitchens have developed a new recipe designed to serve the rodent population. “Most rats are smaller than humans,” said Chef Luigi Hazzlenut, Director of Pizza Sciences, “so, we’ve scaled the pie down to make it easier for the average rat to enjoy his slice. We’re also offering popular toppings like garbage, rotted meats, and that kind of thing.”

The excitement inside Dominos headquarters was electric. “We’ve even got a rodent pizza emoji so rats can order from their smartphones,” said Barry Voddenpup, V.P. of Marketing Innovation. “We’re thinking this rodent initiative’s a slam dunk.”

When asked if rats had much disposable income, our reporter was told the building was on fire and was forced to leave.

Ahmed says he can make a better Apple Watch with his hands tied behind his back.

Ahmed says he can make a better Apple Watch with his hands tied behind his back.

Apple leader Tim Cook is one smart cookie. The tech powerhouse kingpin told The Lint Screen he’s hired Irving, Texas troublemaker Ahmed Mohamed, the Muslim teen suspended from school and arrested earlier this week for bringing to school a homemade clock he built.

“The kid’s obviously smart,” said Cook, as he gave himself a prison tattoo of a teardrop under his left eye. “I want that kind of noodle on my team,” Cook said as he wrung a wet mop and danced with it, as if he were stepping alongside Debbie Reynolds in Singing In The Rain.

Jony Ive, Apple’s legendary Chief Design Officer is not sure he agrees. “Look, anyone can build a clock in a briefcase, but it’s a different tuna altogether to build a clock and phone and video and personal assistant and healthcare device and computer and gaming machine into a tiny watch you wear on your wrist.” Ive then spat on the ground and rolled up the sleeves of his white tee shirt flexing his muscles. “We’ll see how good this kid is. We’ll see.”

Ahmed seemed confident he was up for the task. “I’ve also got some cool phone ideas,” the 14-year old said as he put the finishing touches on a self-driving car he made from metal scraps, pipe cleaners and oily rags.

Gambling doesn't pay for chump.

Gambling doesn’t pay for chump.

Poor Evan Swartzky. He thought he won a cool million Simoleons with his fantasy football picks made on DraftKings, the online gambling service for the gullible. Instead, he won a place in the Fool’s Hall of Shame.

“I was so excited when they told me I won,” the bearded goofball told The Lint Screen. “They had a ceremony where a short guy in a crumpled suit smoking a Pall Mall presented me with a big million dollar check. I did a victory dance and immediately called my boss at work and told him to take his lousy job and shove it–– because I was a big time fantasy football millionaire! Then, I went to the bank to get a stash and take my buddies bar hopping and strip clubbing.”

This is where the story takes a turn for the tragic as Mr. Swartzky spoke softly, trying to contain his tears. “The bank teller told me my check was not legal tender. She said it was a prop, and apparently Bank of America doesn’t recognize Foamcore as currency. She also said because I had no I.D. for being ‘King of The Beach Winner’, she couldn’t cash my check, even if it were real. Then, she called other bank employees over and pointed at me and said, ‘look at the idiot trying to cash a comically large check.’ Everyone laughed, other bank customers included. I felt kind of foolish,” the bearded man said before he broke down and sobbed for six minutes before confessing, “I don’t know, maybe I’m overly sensitive.”

With that, Evan Startzky straightened up and looked proud. “I’ve got some hot picks for this week’s games though. I’m going to win again!”

G.I. Joe is calling it a day.

G.I. Joe is calling it a day.

Since 1974, one brave soldier has given his all, but now G.I. Joe with Kung-Fu Grip has decided to trade in his camo for sweats and a “World’s Greatest Grampa” tee-shirt.

“I’ve had a good career,” said a visibly shaken Mr. Joe, “but most Americans didn’t even I know I was still fighting. I was proud to be of service to kids who needed an ally battling evil dinosaurs or bratty siblings who need a good smack in the head by a plastic hero. I did my part, and accomplished many missions. But I just can’t do it any more.” The old soldier broke into tears as his physician, Dr. Phillip Osterbunn stepped forward and spoke to The Lint Screen.

“G.I. Joe gave his all, and his body took the brunt of the incredible punishment. His Kung-Fu grip now is afflicted with carpal tunnel syndrome. He has E.D.–– please, don’t ask me how that’s possible. He also has an enlarged prostate, arthritis, cravings to watch national news and talk back to the TV, memory loss, an insatiable hunger for hard candies–– all the symptoms of old age,” the physician said as his eyes welled with tears and his voice cracked. “But the deciding factor was last week when he told me that he’d fallen and could not get back up. I’m afraid it’s time to give up your service when your body can no longer be of service.”

We’ll miss you, brave soldier! Thanks for keeping our toy boxes safe.

America, meet the newly-named FaceHenge!

America, meet the newly-named FaceHenge!

President Barack Obama is on a roll. After announcing his plan to change the name of Alaska’s Mt. McKinley to Mt. Denali, The Lint Screen has learned he has other name changes he’ll soon put in place.

The Washington Monument will soon be renamed Pointy Cement Skyscraper.
The Statue of Liberty will carry the moniker Liberty Insurance’s Logo Lady.
The Jefferson Memorial will be called Mr. Fancy Pants Cabana.
Gettysburg National Military Park will have a new moniker playing off Obama’s favorite Beatles song, Bloody Fields Forever
Mount Rushmore will be known as FaceHenge.
The Lincoln Memorial will be renamed Abe’s Chill-A-Torium.
Golden Gate Bridge will be known as McKinley’s Land Connector (as an appeasement to Ohioans cheesed-off with his Mt. Denali decision).
The Liberty Bell gets a new name that’s an homage to one of the president’s favorite TV shows–– The Big Clang Theory

A White House spokesman said there may be some who are upset at these decisions, “But so what? Who’s going to question the guy who lives in The Snow Palace. By the way, that’s the new name for the White House.”